feel the poison

Remy, wasn't one for relationships. if what he had been through, what he had seen during the ninteen years that he was alive, was that they were pointless. people where there for you to fuck, and to use and abuse until you got sick of them and moved on. nobody mattered to him, and nobody could hurt him. maybe, he was a coward for refusing to love, and to care anyone else, but really he was only protecting himself, because the world he knew was a cruel, unforgiving one, and little in his life had shown different. then, all of that changed. or so, remy thought it had. he started letting people in, letting them get close and trusting that they wont hurt him. because, being alone? wasn't working out so well for the male, trying something new couldn't be that bad. though, loving two people? really wasn't what he had in mind. but it happened, and he was sent on a rollercoaster of emotion. but, that shouldn't have mattered anymore, he made his choice, and he was sure it was the right one, even if at times he needed chris, because chris was his rock, the one person remy could always go to when something was wrong, because he knew that even when he was fucking up, and chris should have hated him, he didn't. he was always just there, ready to be remy's personal tissue. and right now, remy needed him more than ever. because, shit sucked right now. and the boy couldn't deal with it, he couldn't be strong and pretend like everything was okay anymore, when really everything was falling apart.

He layed in curled up with nothing but a blanket on, he didn't notice how badly he was shaking, everything was still a shock to him and really, the boy hadn't registered just how broken he was. that was really the only way to describe remy at this point, broken. like a vase that had been dropped too many times, one that tape couldn't fix, and even if it could, it would never be the same, just a ghost. fucking parker, had only made him feel good for a moment or so, it didn't fix the problem, didn't change the fact that he wanted to curl up and ignore the world. remy sat up, realizing just now that he was sobbing, because nothing was registering, shaky hands moved to his dresser, picking up his phone and dialing the only person who could make him feel good right now. of course, it went to voice mail, which for some reason made remy sob even more. "chri- i..nned you. now, please." he slurred, he knew that chris would be able to tell that he was on something, but he didn't care, right now it was the only thing that was making him feel good. the boy curled up in bed again, closing his eyes and hoping that everything would just dissapear.

Relationship was a word that Chris never really understood. It had always just been about sexsexsex for him and he wasn't exactly one for monogomy. Having sex with randoms was just something that Chris just did naturally so cheating would have been an issue for him - so generally he just didnt bother. He had been in one realtionship before and his ex had chosen drugs over him and it eventually killed him. Chirs found himself falling into a routine of sex and booze. Every night involved a different person, more alcohol and a different bed. His life was falling apart slowly and after almost failing out of school, he smarted up, finished school and moved to Montauk. Working at Oceans wasnt his first choice but it was the best paying job that he could find within the area of New York, so he took it. Finding a home was easy.. paying for it? Not so much. It was one of the reasons he took every shift they would possibly give him.

Remy happened suddenly and ended quickly. It was on and off with him constantly and there was only so much that Chris could take. They had broken up twice and while he continued to fuck Remy whenever the boy was around, Chris knew that it just wouldnt work between the two. Love was just something that didnt seem to work out for him, so he decided to not bother anymore and stick with what he was good at doing - sex. Chris sighed into the paperwork on his desk, before lifting his head off the flat surface and glancing sideways at his phone as it buzzed across the wood. Sighing, he picked up the phone and stared at the smiling picture of Remy on the front. Shaking his head slightly, Chris flicked open his phone and listened. Out of his chair and out the door in a few minutes, he told the other nurses he had 'family' issues and left. Remy was one of the most important people in his life right now and he knew that Remy was fucked up. Chris could tell when Remy was sober, sad or faking happiness. He knew the boy far to well for his own good and getting caught up with Remy again wasnt a good idea.. but the boy needed his help and he wasnt going to turn away now. Reaching Remy's house in record time, Chris let himself in and went straight to the bedroom. "Babe?" he called out, his fingers curling around the doorknob as he let himself into the dark room. Finally seeing the boy on the bed, Chris sighed softly and closed the door behind him, moving to the bed and sitting on the edge as he ran his hand through Remy's hair, his other arm wrapping around the boys waist, practically pulling Remy into his lap. "Baby.. what happened? what's going on?" Pain spread through his chest at the feeling of Remy in his arms again, but he put his hurt behind him, and rested his lips on Remy's forehead.

Remy didn't do relationships either, if you asked him why he would tell you its because they're pointless, and people should be able to sleep with whoever they want, but really? he was scared, scared of getting hurt and of taking any sort of chances. and he had every right to be scared, look at where he was now, alone. and at least before, when he was as alone as he is now, he didn't have a heart that had been stopped so much that you can hardly recognize it for one, at least before he let himself love, he never felt like he was being torn apart, and like he wanted to curl up and die because anything was better than being alive. he hated himself for letting his guard down, for giving someone the chance to hurt him, he was foolish to think that it would have been okay. his head rose when he saw Chris, and instantly, he felt calmer, of course he was still sobbing and shaking and looking oh so vulnerable, but he did feel better, he wished that he could love Chris the way he loved bowie, wished that he was the one who he thought about when he went to sleep, and whose face he wanted to see when he woke up, but he wasn't. and Remy needed to realize that, and let him go. yes, he knew he needed to let Chris go, to let him be happy, to let him find his very own person to love just as much as Remy loved bowie, but right now? he just needed him. he was being selfish, but he needed Chris to hold him and to love him and to tell him everything was going to be okay, and mean it fully because he knew that Chris always told him the truth, and if he told him things were going to be okay, Remy knew they would be, even if he didn't believe him right then and there, eventually, things really would be okay.

Curling up in his arms, Remy rested his head on Chris's shoulder, burying his face into his neck, still shaking and sobbing, he probably smelled like shit considering he was high as fuck thanks to what he and Parker got up to, oh how fast that high had ended, the bliss of it at least, all it was doing now was making him hurt even more, and he hated it he didn't want to hurt. he inhaled softly, letting Chris's cologne wash over him, he loved how he smelled. he stayed silent for a moment, just curled up in his arms, listening to his heart beat as his fingers curled around Chris's. he looked up at him, or past him since he couldn't bare to look him in the eyes right now, he didn't want Chris to be disappointed in him, he felt like he was always disappointing him. "bowie slept with Parker." he said closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip as those words flooded out of his mouth, saying them made them real. he couldn't pretend like it hadn't happened now. "like. it was nothing. like i hadn't been busting my ass to prove i wanted to be with him." he said now looking down before he rolled off Chris to lay on his back. "I'm such an idiot." he mumbled, curling up and staring at the wall.