Your Name: Paris Hilton.
How did you find us?: By drinking my own hot salty tears!
Name: Kimberly Burke.
DOB: 31/10/1982 or 1950. (26 going on 58).
Gender: Female - allegedly.
Human Type: Zoanthrope Investigator.
Chimba’s nickname is derived from the fact that she resembles a chimpanzee or chimney.
Once it’s been crushed and compacted into a five foot brick, still maintaining its weight of one hundred and eighty pounds. She has mediocre sized breasts at minus twelve A and wide hips. Chimba has been wearing the same padded brassiere since last Christmas, so the fabric has stretched so much that it looks like she doesn’t wear one. Her blue vest tops, usually covered by a beige jacket, only emphasise this sad fact. The coat flaps down to her ankles. She wears pleated red miniskirts, which cling against her upper thighs. Whilst seeing a lady’s bare legs is often a pleasurable experience, in this case it is not. Her white stretch marks and cellulite can induce vomiting. The clapping of her shiny black high heels rivals the hoarse nagging of her voice. She usually possesses one swinging red handbag over her shoulder, which contains nothing of value, save bandages, tissues, cold related tablets and cough syrup.
Though she doesn’t look particularly overweight, her skin possesses a clammy dough impression, especially around the slanting oval-shaped face. Even when she hasn’t cried all night long into her pillow, her visage is often red and blotchy. Her watery blue eyes (one is rumoured to be glass), lumpy elbow-like nose and blubbery lips add to her sallow skin’s puffy freshly crying sense. Her brown hair falls in lank, scraggly clumps around her bony shoulders. She has in the past dyed it red. There are still some red traces glinting within - if you squint hard enough. She wears copious amounts of makeup, especially black eyeliner, though it is sloppy and messy due to weeping.
Face Claim: A.J. Cook.
- Like a cockroach, she is excruciating hard to kill. Should Chimba get scratched, slapped, battered, bashed, garrotted, asphyxiated, headbutted or smashed, she will come back bouncing, whether it involves hobbling on crutches or dragging along a life support machine.
- Chimba plays as the goalkeeper for a college volley ball team called The Busty Beauties. As a result, she has perfected the art of jumping really high and batting things with her floppy hand.
- Chimba has an addiction to sharp toothpick sticks, containing skewered pineapple and cheese cubes. Having handled so many, it is possible she could use the toothpicks as a helpful weapon if assaulted.
- The slightest mishap, sight or thing (such as insults, toothache, etc) can set off Chimba’s tears. When she starts screaming and weeping, it takes hours for her to stop, a hard smack to the face or vigorous shaking.
- Chimba completely doesn’t understand sarcasm, alongside slapstick, wit and pranks. It is widely believed she has never once cracked a joke in her life, laughed or even smiled.
- Being born of tiny shoulders and large hips, Chimba consequently cannot lift anything heavier than her handbag. Even then she is at risk of suffering from hernias.
- The smallest thing can terrify Chimba. She has the usual fears of snakes and spiders, as well as bees and mice. If Chimba catches her shadow or a hanging coat in an odd light, it causes her to shriek and flee.
- Chimba is very discriminatory towards redheaded or ginger persons. It is a throwback to her mother, who was killed by a redheaded man and a ginger woman.
Chimba is a person of great contradictions. She claims she’s pretty when she’s not. States she’s female when she isn’t. Even declares she has a life when she doesn’t.
Despite these potent complexities, she possesses a simplistically interpretable personality. Chimba’s most characteristic quality is her accentuated hypochondriac ways. In every second of every day, Chimba is always complaining about SOMETHING, whether it is a cold or headache she feels she’s getting, or the fact she’s broken a nail, or her skin feels dry, you are fortunate enough to hear all about it. Despite these ailments, physically nothing is usually wrong with her. Should she receive any injuries, even the smallest (like a paper cut or a fallen strand of hair) will be hyped up and you will not hear the end of it for hours and hours and hours on end.
In the same way, her nagging never stops, unless she’s sleeping, but even then her snoring will drive you mad. The smallest thing will set her off, whether it’s a crease in somebody’s clothing or a pronunciation of a word she doesn’t appreciate, she will be there to nag and nag and nag until the problem is corrected. She perceives herself as a godly creature. All other humans are below her and require correcting through grating shrieks and nasally whinging. Whilst her nags at men are motherly, her women-orientated nags are bitchy and malicious, because she views all other women as threats to her great beauty and sophistication. She gets exceedingly jealous of those who she feels are better looking than her, are intelligent and possess expensive items (like jewellery, the latest phones and purses full of cash).
These types of people trigger off her mood-swings. Chimba possesses two fundamental ones. She is ether this aforementioned hypochondriac, nagging, complaining, moody, miserable person, or a slightly more bearable fake faced snake. She acts all gushy and flamboyant and will talk in a girly, giggly high pitched voice, which claws at your eardrums in a bid to damage your brain cells. She will not hesitate to greet people with air kisses or hugs and will laugh too loudly. Chimba reserves this mood-swing for total strangers (particularly men) at first, before plunging into her intolerable misery and gloom.
- Chimba positively adores buffet parties. Whilst not a huge fan of eating, she does enjoy the pick and mix selection offered at such venues. It is also demonstrative of a wider bigger interest of hers, which entails any social situation where she can moan about her ailments. This is due to Chimba wanting and loving to be centre of attention. She especially loves to be centre of male attention. Chimba doesn’t so much want sex, but a nice young man acting as her servant, masseur, agony uncle and government grant.
- Her hobbies include collecting and spending money. The targets of her massive spending are highly overpriced Christmas baubles made from rubies and assorted gems, or with gaudy pictures depicting the birth or execution of Jesus Christ. Over the years, she has built up a massive collection of Christmas baubles, which she loves to bits. As a result of which, she is poor and suffers major debt problems.
- Chimba is a very narrowed-minded bigoted person, who cannot understand or tolerate cultural differences. She thinks America is the best country in the world and has an especial hatred of non-American accents, particularly ones from the British Isles.
- She abhors television due to its violent and sexual content. Chimba believes all the newspaper reports about it being impressionable on young minds, so that they are driven to commit such acts. She consequently does not own a television, but instead listens to a tatty old radio. She loves channels containing Americanised Terry Wogans and classical music. Her hatred extends to pop music. Not because of its manufactured or simplistic qualities, but because she thinks it’s also bad and corruptible on the youth.
- She hates animals, especially beavers and dogs.
Chimba’s early life can be deemed as “normal” or “uneventful”. She had two parents, a mother and a father shockingly, who made good money working as an English teacher and police officer respectively. She lived in a quiet Washington suburb and attended primary and secondary school, where she was above average, blah, blah, blah. Yaaawn.
Tragedy struck Chimba at fifteen. Her mother, Terry Corman, routinely picked her up from secondary school, because Chimba was too fat and lazy to walk the three streets home. Whilst stopping at a petrol station, the pair inadvertently intervened in a garage heist involving an armed man and a woman, their ginger and red hair visible through their grey balaclavas. With the sound of wailing police sirens fast approaching, the pair endeavoured to steal the Cormans’ car. Being a stingy old cow, Terry refused to relinquish the vehicle and the carroty pair transformed into tigers. Chimba ran screaming from the car and would not stop until she got home.
Terry had her head blown off. To this day, her killers are still at large.
Chimba’s father, Carter Corman, wasn’t that upset, because he much preferred his daughters Chimba and Clear. They struggled through their routinely daily life and gradually got over their loss.
After graduating school, Chimba went into higher education and started training as a Zoanthrope Investigator (police constable to her family and friends). Rather than listen to the problems of the robbed and violated, she told them her problems instead. At the police academy where Chimba trained, she met a security guard called Timothy “Timmy” Burke, who was and is weak willed, spineless and idiotic. Quite naturally, the pair fell madly in love and they married.
They honey-mooned in Killamarsh, which they loved and moved to. Chimba became a Constable at the police station. Whilst out on patrol, she was killed by a hyena.
She sometimes comes back to life as a zombie.