Turn, Short Story

[DaWF]

I just finished this for creative writing and want feedback on it. So if you want to read it, have a blast picking it apart.


Turn


“So this is Hell,” I thought, looking around. “I expected it to be more…”
“Red?”
I turned to face him. I suppose, looking back, I would’ve expected Satan to have a more imposing figure, but at that moment this little man still frightened me. Dressed in a black suit, black, slicked back hair, completely black eyes, and a rather evil grin, he was actually a bit cliché.
“Welcome,” he said, extending his hand.
I shivered a little. I wish I could say I did more. That I could say that I laughed in his face and did not fear him because my faith in God gave me the strength I needed. But then, I guess if I had had that faith to begin with, I wouldn’t have been there in the first place.

“So we leave tomorrow for London, then after a week we go to France to debut the new concerto with James, and then…”
I threw down my pen and stood up. “I understand Melanie,” I hissed, glaring at her.
It was that stupid letter I was writing, not her that I was angry with, but she was easier to yell at than a letter.
“From France to Belgium for the two cello sonatas, from Belgium to Germany for the Liszt concerto, from Belgium to New York to end the whole tour with a big damn bang with Beethoven. I believe you’ve told me the plan about six times since we got here!”
Then she got that hurt look in her eyes, apologized, picked up her coat, and started to leave.
“Melanie, wait.” I grabbed her arm and she turned into me and we shared a kiss so passionate that the walls shuddered.
At least that’s what happened in my mind. In real life I let her leave, picked my pen up, and sat back down.

“Follow me Steve,” he said, walking away.
“It’s Steven,” I muttered, following.
Defiance can be beautiful, but it can also hurt. A lot.
It was as if a wave of hornets engulfed my body. Pain surrounded me and became a part of me in a split second. Time seemed to stand still as every single unpleasant physical feeling I had ever endured washed over myself. I screamed and went blind. When my vision came back, he was staring at me, his head cocked to one side, a look of mild interest in his dark eyes.
“Steven.” And he started to walk again.
We passed through unfathomable valleys and climbed seemingly infinite mountains. Each step seemed to increase my fatigue one hundred times over. Daggers of fire shot up my leg every time my foot touched the ground but I couldn’t cry out and sooner than I could stop walking. There was some sort of force driving me on. I don’t know if it was defiance or just fear, but I couldn’t stop walking for the life – or rather death – of me.

“Melanie, yeah, this is James. Are you ok?” He shifted in he chair a little and moved the phone to his other ear.
Her voice chattered for a moment, minute and incomprehensible. James shot a quick glance at me, nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him nodding and a gave a cautious, “Uh huh.” I stared at my feet, wringing my hands.
“Ok, I’ll tell him,” he said, looking at me. He placed his hand over the receiver too casually and smiled. “Would you mind leaving the room for ten or fifteen minutes?”
“No,” I growled, getting up. I grabbed my coat and went for a walk.
I’ve always enjoyed New York in the winter. It’s bitter, cold, and everyone seems angry. That’s not the part I enjoy, but the idea that people somehow get a sense of peace out of all this. I stood outside the hotel we were staying in and stared up at the sky and watched a single snowflake drift down towards my face. In a wash of youthfulness I stuck out my tongue to catch it.
I missed.

“So, Steven, why are you here?”
“What?” I looked up and he was staring at me. “Why don’t you know? I thought you were in charge of that. Aren’t you Satan?”
He laughed. It was a horrible sound that made me tremble and want to cry. I just shivered, wiped my nose, and waited for him to stop.
“I prefer Lucifer, personally, but I’ve been called that too, yes. I’m hardly in charge of things like that though, Steven.”
“So who put me here?” I spat, clenching my fists.
He cocked his head and got that curious look on his face again.
“You did, Steven.”

I knocked on the door to my room. There was sound from the other side and then James opened it.
“So?” I asked.
“She’s going to keep working for us, but you have to promise to stop being so cold to her. If you keep yelling at her like that, we’re going to lose the best agent we’ve ever worked with.”
“Ok, fine, I’m sorry. You know how I get sometimes.”
“Steve, if it was only sometimes we wouldn’t mind, but this is how you always act. You’re so detached from the real world. Lord, if you didn’t play as well as you did, I don’t know how you’d function at all!” He was almost yelling. James never yelled though.
“It’s Steven.”
“What?” he said, blinking a little bit, “Is that all you heard? This is the pro…, never mind. We’re all having dinner at the usual spot at seven, make sure you’re there.”
He slammed the door as he left. James never slammed the door either.

“What do you mean I put myself here?” I asked. I would’ve been angry, but there was a constant pain that seemed to grow somewhere deep in my stomach, yet beyond there. It was taking away the strength I needed to be angry.
He smiled a little and turned to face me completely.
“It’s funny, most people understand by now. Let me ask you this, Steven. You’re dead, you know that. And you’re in Hell, you know that. Do you know then, where you are not?”
I looked around. Too dim, blindingly bright, too hot, so cold…
“Heaven…” I whispered. I fell to my knees and gave in to the desolation around me.

I was late for dinner. I left my room at seven twenty three and got there at seven thirty four.
“Sorry I’m late,” I said, sitting down at the table. James gave me a look, but Melanie just smiled and picked up her menu. The waiter came by.
“Are you folks ready to order?”
I hate it when waiters call me a ‘folk’. Melanie started. She ordered a chicken salad and a coke, ranch dressing. James got a cheeseburger and I ordered pasta.
It took too long for our food to come and they overcooked my noodles.
“Do you believe in God, Steven?” asked Melanie, suddenly. I looked up from my food, taken aback a little.
“Uhm…I don’t know, really. I’ve never really thought about it.” That was very true. The thought never really crossed my mind. I’m not sure why.
“Well…I was thinking about that last night, I thought you might want to come to my church tomorrow morning, just to see what it’s all about. I can stop by your hotel room and give you a ride. I promise you won’t regret it.”
“I uh…I’ll think about it,” I said, returning to the noodles.
“It’s just that I worry about you sometimes, Steven. You seem so lost and God has really brought my life back into focus, so I thought He might be able to do the same for you.”
Then I got mad. I wish I hadn’t. If I had just thanked her and attended the service...well, you know.
“Who the hell are you to judge me? What do you mean I’m lost? I’ve got a fine career ahead of me, I’m at ease, and I’ve never been happier.” Lie. Lie. Lie.
“I just…”
“You just what? Wanted to feel better about yourself so you decided to be my sudden savior? What did you expect, for me to “see the light” and start praying all the time and memorize the bible and we could hang out and talk about Jesus and watch Veggie Tales late into the night?”
“Steven, I really think we should take a walk,” said James, standing up.
“No!” I yelled, standing up and storming out before James could follow. I walked blindly and angrily, muttering to myself, for twenty minutes. I finally stopped to see where I was. As I looked up I saw that I had walked to a smaller church near a neighborhood I had lived in when I was in college. I knew of a bar I used to frequent two blocks down the street. I stared at the church door for a few minutes and then walked away. Two hours later I stumbled into the street, completely drunk, and was hit by a car. I died later in the hospital, before Melanie or James could come see me.

“Melanie was right,” I said, looking up. He was still staring at me. Those horrible, dark eyes…
“Was she the girl?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You humans, you’re all given a chance to come to Him. Everyone here is here for a reason Steven. Do you understand why you’re here now?”
I stared at the ground, tears streaming from my eyes.
“Where are you taking me?”
“It’s not far from here, come.” He started walking again. I pulled myself to my feet and followed, once more. We rounded the base of a huge mountain and came to it. Fear seemed to be epitomized in this new terror. A huge, gaping hole of churning fury lay before us. Completely silent, and yet my ears bleed as we neared it.
“What is this?” I whimpered?
“I could not tell you. It is merely a choice I give to you. One Hell or the other. The one you stand in is full of humanly pains that you are familiar with. You will wander this desert for eternity. That sting you feel in your gut will grow every moment, never stopping in intensity. You will go mad, but remain sane, never resting or healing, or smiling again.
“This chasm will dissolve you and you will realize every moment of your life and each mistake you’ve made one hundred times over. Your soul will ache as you burn in the nothing that it is. I myself have not been there, so could not tell you exactly what awaits, but simply that it is far greater agony than this desert will ever offer.”
I looked into the hole, then into the desert. Slowly, I began to understand.
“Nobody is in the desert. We all choose the hole, don’t we?” I asked.
He nodded. “It is something I will never full understand.”
I stepped up to the lip of the opening and looked him in the eyes.
“I deserve this punishment, and I accept it.”
I fell forward, and screamed.
[/B][B][B][/B]

[Crimson King]

Well, I only had time to read the first two lines, but I like both of them. Except the first. I'll try to get on to read the rest tomorrow.

[Crimson King]

This is very interesting, and I liked the way you had the second part interspersed with the first. However, I think you should've put everything that happened before he died in the middle and bookended it with right after he dies and before he goes into the hole thingummy.

I like the story and the ending a lot, but I have a couple of things I'd like to criticize (mostly little things):

1) No commas after ellipses: "'This is the pro…, never mind'"

2) "'I understand Melanie,' I hissed". Does he "understand Melanie" or does he "understand, Melanie"? My instinct says the latter, because the former doesn't seem to fit well.

3)Semicolons are your friend: "'It’s not far from here, come.'" It should be a semicolon or period instead of a comma.

4)What's wrong with Veggie Tales?

[DaWF]

I hate grammar.

We're almost done with parts of speech in English. 1 entire semester, and we're *almost* done with parts of speech. Rr...

I was thinking of rewriting parts and re-placing the flashback type paragraphs. Too unmotivated to do it now.

[Wraith]

Yes, I also think the paragraphs need a little rearranging; I got a little confused at first. Loved the character of Lucifer though and it was an over all good read, though when I got to the living parts I was anxious to scroll down to read more of hell. And if I wasn't so tired I'd try to find the reason why.

Oh, but because I managed to find this, I'll mention it: '“What is this?” I whimpered?' I take he wasn't questioning whether he wimpered or not... though he could have been. It didn't seem to fit.

[Mayflower]

Readable and interesting.
As others pointed out, parts of living time can be gathered to a place. But either will do, I think. If necessary, you can insert *** or something between the paragraphs. That will make it clear.

One point, I felt a bit unnatural of last part. Even the desert is so painful. Then, it's not likely that most comers choose the hole. Seems better to add some reason of that.
As a whole, it's a good stuff. I enjoyed it.

[DaWF]

I'm sorry, I'm afraid you missed the concept of the hole. Whether that was misreading on your part, or poor writing I don't know, but I'm more apt to look to the latter.

I wanted the reader to understand that once we die, a realization will occur and our sins will become blindingly apparent to us. Once Steve comes to truly realize where he is, he is, Hell, he realizes that logically, Heaven must exist. As he comprehends more and more, he realizes how deep his betrayal was. As each one before him, his final act of repentence is to throw himself into this pit, knowing that he deserves every moment of agony before him for rejecting God's love and grace.

Parts of this story are very unclear, I realize. I myself did not believe in Hell for the longest time and have just started into a greater understanding of my own spiritual life. I still don't understand Hell, I don't think any of us do. That's really what the pit represents, largely. Fear of the unknown.