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Pages: (6) 1 2 [3] 4 5 ... Last » ( Go to first unread post )

 Everyone's a Critic, buh-duh, chh!
laZardo
Posted: Jul 24 2006, 06:48 AM


Unregistered









*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. :lol: 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Walter Smith: That's one pretty spoiled bad-ass kid. Starting with the obvious, the biography would do well to be split into paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. But it's too late for that since I've already slogged through it. :lol: Anyway. You've got a really detailed history of this guy, down to some key moments, and you've created a nice complex web of relationships that suggests you've done this before. It'd be nice to see his rivalry with Bexley develop in v2 as - for some odd reason - the reactions of their parents when they find out their kids are in said SOTF.
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Xaldien
Posted: Jul 24 2006, 02:13 PM


Face to face, my lovely foe


Group: Members
Posts: 182
Member No.: 148
Joined: 17-July 06



So, I wanna know what people think so far of Kristey and the Andi.
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I-eat-cute-animals
Posted: Jul 25 2006, 03:11 AM


Moskau, Moskau, Throw your glasses at the wall.


Group: Members
Posts: 91
Member No.: 140
Joined: 30-June 06



QUOTE (laZardo @ Jul 24 2006, 06:48 AM)
*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. :lol: 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Does she have aspergers: Mid functioning, she can talk, she just doesn't like to, her preference is a peice of paper and a pen.

16 at grade 11: Where I live I was 14 at grade 9, plus I was on rush limbagh pain pills at the time.

Treatment at gilroy: Kind of invisible, some people think she's mentally retarded at a first glance.
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Megami
Posted: Jul 25 2006, 03:15 AM


Princess of Highland


Group: Admin
Posts: 647
Member No.: 71
Joined: 26-October 05



I think he meant that 16 in grade 11 doesn't seem advanced because it's around the right age. I graduated at 17, not because I was advanced or skipped a grade, but because my birthday fell on August 18th and the deadline for that school year was September 1st. I graduated in May, which put me as being 17 at my time of graduation (and thusly 16 in grade 11, etc.) For someone who had skipped a grade or two, she should really be a bit younger. Then again, that's just me.
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I-eat-cute-animals
Posted: Jul 25 2006, 03:24 AM


Moskau, Moskau, Throw your glasses at the wall.


Group: Members
Posts: 91
Member No.: 140
Joined: 30-June 06



Andi: Andi is an overall nice guy, has the rebel thing glowing in him but not to the extent where everything is like 'Fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck fucker, piss maggot, necrophiliac, dead babies, sodomy', instead he's the more mellow type of rebel, but not really what you'd call a hippy, The flashback Idea makes it easier to RP characters that are elsewhere, I sort of stole it because I wanted to RP Kojiro for a second with myself.
I'd kind of like to know more about his fathers problems, and maybe some mystery or interest in his mother to be shown more, but I don't wish for it to be overdone, other than that it's not overused drama, there are more single fathers out there than you probably think, and my step father died of cancer, although I'd like to know more about key characters in Andi's life(IE: His father would occaisionally think about his mother), I won't force it.
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Xaldien
Posted: Jul 26 2006, 02:52 AM


Face to face, my lovely foe


Group: Members
Posts: 182
Member No.: 148
Joined: 17-July 06



And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)
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I-eat-cute-animals
Posted: Jul 26 2006, 05:13 AM


Moskau, Moskau, Throw your glasses at the wall.


Group: Members
Posts: 91
Member No.: 140
Joined: 30-June 06



QUOTE (Xaldien @ Jul 26 2006, 02:52 AM)
And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)

Kristy: Shrewd bitch, whatever crawled up her ass and died should stay, fun lookin' character, Look forward to what may later be a catfight(No other way to describe it) if you're still up fore it.
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Lien
Posted: Jul 28 2006, 10:19 PM


;_;


Group: Guide Moderator
Posts: 659
Member No.: 15
Joined: 25-June 05



Alright. I'm going to review the last 5 profiles, and see how it goes... don't kill me, I'm brutally honest and it may come off mean. I really don't mean it that way.

First off:

Phoenix- Besides the odd choice of name, and nearly no background history, we've automatically gone to the bad stuff before giving her any normal background. A way to go about fleshing her out can be some information on her household, or maybe why she chose paganism as a religion. The rape story is already commonly used in pregame, so if there was some kind of shock value that was supposed to be gathered from that fact, unfortunately it's to the point that "rape= ho-hum."

Siouxsie- Is this pronounced 'susie'? In the appearance department, I've got that she's pretty, and has long black hair. No description on her face or any other features. While pretty might be some help, this can vary to whoever's reading her posts. Another issue... the anorexia turned narcissism? Normally, it takes years of therapy or a pivotal moment for someone to recover from such a mental disorder. For them to do a whole 180 must be a story in itself, which, if the member is up for it, I would like to see be explained in her biography. It's not like you can't have a really interesting character, but at least give some reasoning or some sense to why they are the way they are.

Randy- As far as fake indian tribes go, by all means try it out. However, Aryan, if you weren't aware, is an idealistic human theory of a divine race (see: Hilter, Holocaust, all that bad shit). Really not the best name for a native american tribe. A real west coast tribe, if I remember, is the Kumeeyay. The bright blue eyes don't seem characteristic at all either, unless in some way one of his ancestors had them, or if he's only half. Like many other profiles, there could be more, but I figure I'll critique what it already has.

Walter Smith- Wow. Long. Very long, but there is one thing I would like to see more of: why? I've been a fan of the "he's crazy and sadistic just because he is" theory. You know I've even done it, but the good thing about a profile is that you could probably explain why he's become a completely sadistic villain. He seemed normal, then BAM! Was there a moment where it triggered this in him? That's what I would like to know.

Johnathon- From what I can tell, the character is a watcher with a frightened mother. And considering that he spends most of his time with her because of his homeschooling (you also never mention when or how the character ended up in homeroom) you've left quite a bit open to develop. We're probably not going to see your character roleplay with his mom, so you might want to give us some information concerning all that.

Meg asked me to review hers as well, so I'll get to those in another post.
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Lien
Posted: Jul 29 2006, 01:37 AM


;_;


Group: Guide Moderator
Posts: 659
Member No.: 15
Joined: 25-June 05



Megami, as most of you already know, has been a part of SOTF for awhile, and her contributions to the site, as well as her drive to make this board better, have made her a well-liked and newly appointed staff member. Anyway, now that I've kissed ass, onto the character critiques!

Ali Grayston- Considering most, if not all, of Meg's character bios are lengthy and in-depth, it was no surprise staring at quite a bit of Ali's life from a well-rounded view. What you could have elaborated on is the relationship between the elitist girls. Essentially, you see a bunch of information on her father and mother, and how close Ali is to them and how they've spoiled her. What we get from the elitist girls is that she feels like they are her family. I personally think that anyone can be hanging out and partying and doing all that, but explaining how much she trusts these girls could give light on her personality, possibly reinforcing her stereotypical nature or (and this would be a kicker) giving Ali a softer side to what you have generally made sounding very spoiled, callous, and stuck up.

Maggie Heartgreeder- One thing that seems to disrupt the flow in the piece is the mention to submitting poetry under an anonymous name. While I understand this is to show her reserved nature, it doesn't connect enough to really contribute much else to the biography. I mean, it makes me wonder if she's any good, or if she thinks that her work isn't good enough... too loose to be just left without explanation.

Tanesha Lexx- We've got that she's boy-crazy and depressed, and generally isn't well-liked, but how is she around her friends? What do the people who stuck by her think of her, and how does she act around them? Of course... I have an idea, but it's not explicitly stated.

Whitney Acosta- Modeling is in her activities, but between running, cheerleading, and a social life, it's hard to see her able to do that as well. Most people her age need a parent to come along, and it seems that her guardians are too busy with careers to put effort into hers.
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LadyMakaze
Posted: Jul 29 2006, 01:42 AM


Savage Intent.


Group: 20
Posts: 755
Member No.: 32
Joined: 20-July 05



Well why not? I'll through in my characters for critique, now that I have time to improve a bit before the real games finally begin.

Here's my array of characters pretty much, in no particular order

An Linh Tuan

Matthias Kovalenko

Jodeen Kovalenko

Cathalie Meguro

Mitch Gunther

Kim Jones-Larame

Carmen Somerset

Feel free to critique one or all or few or none at all :D I offer free cookie! (except for the none option, naturally.)
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Cycokiller
Posted: Jul 29 2006, 01:44 AM


Playing


Group: Members
Posts: 311
Member No.: 94
Joined: 4-March 06



Ooh, ooh, do me! Do my people in pretty colors Lien!
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laZardo
Posted: Aug 4 2006, 11:28 AM


Unregistered









Still waiting. :lol: ANYWAY.

We've seen ports of handlers, but this one really takes the cake.

I leave critiques of this one to the viewing audience.
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Kris
Posted: Aug 5 2006, 03:18 AM


Dance Water Dance!


Group: Members
Posts: 222
Member No.: 107
Joined: 26-March 06



I need work on my characters so I guess I could use some constructive criticisim! XD Already here are the characters that are my main ones.

Paris Persphone

Ebony Libitina

Marimar Perez

Darcy Rose

Gigi Sinclaire

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Megami
Posted: Aug 5 2006, 03:38 AM


Princess of Highland


Group: Admin
Posts: 647
Member No.: 71
Joined: 26-October 05



Mahh, what the hell.

Paris Persphone: I actually do enjoy Paris as a character. In my personal opinion, you roleplay him much better than your other characters, and I think that's because you've really found your niche with him. Sure, he's a bit of a stereotype, but you play him well and you've managed to make quite the impact on just about all of Paris's classmates with the character. As far as criticism goes, I'd like to see him expanded on a bit. Off the top of my mind, you might delve into how he became one of the "populars", considering a lot of his classmates seem to dislike him.

Darcy Rose: Don't take this the wrong way, but I just don't care for Darcy as a character. I understand her closeness to Mariavel and Lavender, and it's normal for high school girls to have a certain social clique that they're exceptionally close to. My problem with her is pretty much the same thing that my issue with Mariavel was. She's this gorgeous, popular character, and yet in the same token, she's in a schoolyard gang. Those two generalizations are on such opposite ends of the spectrum that it really doesn't make sense for a character to be both, you know? I get the impression that she just joined the Bloody Fists to be close to Mariavel and Lavvy (who isn't even part of the gang). Maybe expand on how she's both at the same time, because as of now, it doesn't make too much sense. Other than that, I can't really comment on her since you haven't had much of an opportunity to roleplay with her as of yet.

Mitch Gunther: I heart Mitch. He's such a unique and oddball individual that he can't help but be endearing. His odd behavior and quirky ways do leave me with a lot of questions about him, however. I'm curious, what happened to his parents? How'd he end up in the orphanage? Why's he so close to Cathalie? Being the almighty Makaze, I'm sure you'd planned on expanding upon these and more anyway, but I figured I'd throw them out there. He's a fun character and he's definitely an original concept. He reminds me a lot of my Tanesha character in that he's in essence a social reject who's very flawed... a faulty product, if you will. That's what makes him likeable.

Damien Carter-Madison: I felt that Damien was the only character I could really critique at present, simply because of the fact that Marvin and Renee are just now being properly established. Another interesting concept, for sure. It seems like a lot of people are into playing the bullies in this game, so it's nice to see some of the kids being picked on. I like the way you illustrate what sort of lengths Damien goes to every day of his life to avoid the clique that constantly picks on him. Again, it never hurts to expand. I find myself asking a lot of questions about Damien and his relationship with the clique. Why do they pick on him, out of all the students at Gilroy Academy? How long have they been doing this? Why doesn't Damien ever retaliate? Just throwing out a couple of ideas to help expand the character a bit.

I'll critique more when I don't have to be up at 7 AM. ^.^
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laZardo
Posted: Aug 5 2006, 02:06 PM


Unregistered









Thanks for the critique, and I'll be sure to work on it (if I haven't done so already. XD).
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