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Survival of the Fittest > General Discussion > Kick My Ass

Posted by: Lien Aug 29 2006, 06:03 AM
Alright, guys, I really need your help. Don't even think about going easy on me either, this is for my Creative Writing class. Pretty much means if I don't hear it from you, people I know in real life are going to point it out.

The "inspiration" for this poem is supposed to be based off of a collage we made in class. I didn't bring any cutouts like I was supposed to, and pretty much made mine from scraps. I personally think poetry is not my forte, but I made an effort.

Critique away!

Dot my eyes with wonder at the landscapes of Mt. Fuji
and the japanese cities of Tokyo and Kyoto.
Their lights reflect my own bright spirit.

I feel too indecisive
and the wonder turns into a blur.
Colors of mountains and street lights bleed like
water colors running through the paper
changing the purpose.

What I can't seem to remember,
is that reward we seem to chase.
When I get to that other side
what trials will I face?

More questions I can't follow
to more dreams that became swallowed up.

I step onto the streets of those cities
no more in knowledge than those around me.
Yet, still I feel a nagging
that the seams of certainty unravel
whenever I take strides to find myself.

P.S. I don't have a title, another thing I lack the skills at.

Posted by: Kris Aug 29 2006, 06:16 AM
Well its not bad for a start! I like your Japanease setting and everything! The only thing I can say is you have the emotion part down you just gotta do more with describing the area.

Thats all happy.gif

Posted by: laZardo Aug 29 2006, 12:41 PM
Au contraire, there appears to be too much description that the meaning is all too obvious. Poetry (with the exception of haikus) is usually supposed to imply an emotion or feeling. But that's just my tastes. =p

Posted by: Cycokiller Aug 29 2006, 06:31 PM
Hey, don't ask me. My idea of poetry? Anything that rhymes! Here's an excerpt from one of our songs.

My cranium is titanium to protect my brainium
and if you dare call me insanium you'll be in an awful lot of painium

Profound, aren't they??

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