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Survival of the Fittest > Pregame Discussion > Everyone's a Critic


Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 04:47 AM
Didn't think it'd be a bad idea to give character critiques their own thread. So, if anyone would like some constructive criticism (sans flaming and other shit) please just say the word. I and I'm sure several other unbiased amateur critics will give you some feedback. Feel free to throw in your two cents. Oh, and I'll critique each request so that nobody gets left hanging. That's just the kind of philanthropist I am. A broke one. Fuckin' eh.

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 18 2006, 04:49 AM
Alright, well, I guess I'll ask for a critique on my character thus far.

Posted by: Slayer Jul 18 2006, 04:50 AM
Erm...isn't this just a palette swap of "Initial Impressions"? I mean, palette swaps are okay in fighting games (look at Sub-Zero and Scorpion, pretty cool characters even though they started out as the same guy wearing different colors), but topics...not so much I'd think.

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 04:57 AM
QUOTE (Slayer @ Jul 18 2006, 04:50 AM)
Erm...isn't this just a palette swap of "Initial Impressions"? I mean, palette swaps are okay in fighting games (look at Sub-Zero and Scorpion, pretty cool characters even though they started out as the same guy wearing different colors), but topics...not so much I'd think.

Yes. Yes it is. But remember, Scorpion's spear attack is useless when pitted simultaneously against Sub-Zero's ice attack. Sure, it hits. But then scorpion is still frozen and vulnerable to attack. Therefore, this thread is vastly superior and way cheaper. So there.

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Jul 18 2006, 04:59 AM
GET OVER HERE!

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

It's different ENOUGH, if we save it for simply character critiques. And initial impressions for...well, impressions of situations and whatnot. Relationships. Etc.

tongue.gif

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 05:01 AM
Don't get me wrong though, Scorpion is wayyy more of a badass than Subzero...uh, anyway...

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Jul 18 2006, 05:05 AM
*ahem* On topic now, or I will actually close the thread. Or just move it and rename it to 'Mortal Kombat Discussion' or something.

Anyways, I could use a critique of my newer characters. Well, my v2 ones, anyways. I haven't really paid them much heed.

I think I've got...

Andrew Panturescu*
Adam Amato
Alexander Ovechkin
Burton Harris
Sarah Dao*

Can't remember if I've done any more. Asterisked ones haven't debuted yet.


Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 05:28 AM
Hoo boy...better get to work...it'll be a little while boyos. So, just to clarify, I'll be critiqueing (that word never gets any easier to say):

Andi Ayala
Adam Amato
Alexander Ovechkin
Burton Harris

laZardo, you're welcome to do the same, seeing as you have an AS. Whatever the hell that is. huh.gif

Posted by: laZardo Jul 18 2006, 05:55 AM
AS is a mental condition that for some odd reason makes my critiques seem really scathing, if they don't inflict blunt force trauma first. smile.gif

Dodd already got my Pants critique so I'll post the other two here for reference.

Andi Ayala: I'd like to know exactly how he came to 'swing that way,' if you know what I mean. Was it something that happened during that fateful summer? Oh, and it's "walked out of his life" at age 3. I also see some clarification needed in that he is loyal and at the same time resentful toward his friends.

Debrah Dollop: Twins played by different users is innovative, to say the least. So, lemme get this straight. She's the bad kid, blaming everything on her sister and at the same time, she wants to be close to her? I'm thinking this is so she doesn't want to lose her scapegoat now that karma is finally biting back.

More to come...

...plus one now.

Alexander Ovechkin: Very thorough biography which successfully blends a number of archetypes, though unsurprisingly continuing in what appears to be Dodd's hockey tradition. I don't know if there are American (media) spies watching him as he sits outside. Someone be sure to tell him that the book is better than the movies.

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 06:02 AM
Well I have ADD so that means that my critiques won't be done until tomorrow because I've become distracted by this drawing of Bryan for the picture thread.

Posted by: ZigZaggerty Jul 18 2006, 01:21 PM
Ooh! Now critique John! Pretty Please?

Posted by: laZardo Jul 18 2006, 02:20 PM
And I doth quote:

QUOTE (ZigZaggerty @ John Matthews bio)
((This isn't the full bio, it's stuck on a broken computer and will be up soon.))


Is said computer fixed yet? What I'm reading now sounds like a pretty, ordinary (comma intended!) person. I'm guessing he's the all-around-good-guy archetype. Saying stereotype gives it a negative connotation. laugh.gif

Posted by: Megami Jul 18 2006, 08:53 PM
Ah, what the hell...

Burton Harris: Another Adam Dodd masterpiece, right there. Burton reminds me so much of either a stoner or a hippy, I can't quite decide which. He's extremely amusing and is (was) doing an excellent job of serving as a sort of comic relief for all the drama and suspense building up in Hobbsborough. His announcement of Kim's death was absolutely priceless... and it almost took attention away from the fact that there was a corpse in the bathroom, just because of the way it was introduced. He's an awesome character, and I'm curious as to how he'll fare in the game.

Andi Ayala: Let me just say, I liked the last post you did at Hobbsborough. It gave us some insight into Andi as a person, and gave us some insight into his relationship at home, which is always a plus. I've noticed that your style of roleplaying is very dialogue-oriented (meaning that the post centers around words rather than actions), so my advice to you is that if you're going to focus on dialogue, be sure to branch out into thoughts as well, otherwise the character runs the risk of being two-dimensional because he only acts through his words. So far, I think you're doing a good job with the character and I like how you're starting to flesh him out a bit.

John Matthews: John's just about as stereotypical "regular kid" as you can get, and that's SO not a bad thing. It proves that you don't have to have an elaborate character with a tragic and heart-wrenching past to make an impact. John's just a typical kid trying to get by from day to day, and I commend you for being able to roleplay that sort of character, because it's a lot harder than it sounds. People tend to want to overexaggerate their characters to make them special and make them stand out from the crowd, and you don't feel the need to do that, which I commend. His last post was intriguing, though I was waiting on him to go green and "hulk out" when he started having his little... seizure thing. I hope you elaborate more on that and continue to flesh out the character.

By the way, if ya'll want to tear into mine, feel free. I love criticism, be it positive or negative. Makes me want to improve the characters. ^.^

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 18 2006, 09:31 PM
So, I made the secondary character, Kristey Burrowell.
But, as of yet, I don't really like what I have, so any comments, negative or positive, about her could help me get her character more fleshed out.

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 18 2006, 10:16 PM
Someone please give mine a review as well. All three are done, so they're fair game to criticism and personal editing. Ok here are the first few official Cycoreviews.

Andi Ayala: I guess it's kind of a biased review since I've RPd with him and have a friendship starting with him. Regardless, Andi's an interesting character that develops in several directions as you read through his profile. It starts in one direction with the childhood trauma and abuse and then goes in another with his becoming popular, then in another with his sexuality, then responsibility towards his dad, etc. What makes it such a good profile is that it takes you in several directions instead of say, focusing on his abandonment issues the whole way through. Good show, old bean.

Adam Amato: Correct me if I'm wrong but I detect a means of carrying a piece of Adam Dodd into the next SOTF. Although Adam A is different enough that he becomes a...how should I put this...kinda like some of the fighters in Tekken 3 carrying the torch of their Tekken 2 predecessors. For example, Baek -> Hwoarang or Bruce -> Bryan. But it works. If it was done improperly you'd end up with Marshall Law -> Forest Law or Michelle Chang -> Julia Chang. Stop me if I've lost you. Anyway, I haven't seen another character like this yet, being a reincarnation of sorts, so it's still a fresh idea. I like it. Especially the fact that he's seen Lipson's death and still might see Dodd's, depending on the outcome.

Alexander Ovechkin: Ahh, a celebrity, eh? He'll have quite a big fanbase when SOTF starts. While it is perfectly plausible and an original idea, I dunno if he'll have quite as interesting a reaction as some of the younger, less life-experienced (not a word, I know) players. He certainly stands out as a character, that's for sure. And I haven't seen anyone who's familiar with being hounded by the media yet, so it's an interesting angle.

Burton Harris: I dub thee, Cucumber Boy. There have been a few of these types of calm, collected characters so far, but none that are (and I quote) 'permafried'. This adds an interesting little twist to the stereotypical character, and removes him from being just another run-of-the-mill cool character. The physical description was thorough and even enjoyable, as it clearly illustrates the character and you get an image you can relate to the story as you're reading.

Next in line are John Matthews, Whitney Acosta, Ricky Callahan, Tanesha Lexx, Maggie Heartgreeder, Eric Silvstedt, Ali Grayston, Damien Carter-Madison, Marvin Hendrick, and Reneé Valenti. Same bat-time, same bbbbat-channel!

Posted by: laZardo Jul 19 2006, 01:56 AM
Kristie, Kristie, Dear Kristie. What can I say about her?

The fact that she's Andi's half-sister is definitely a new twist on the relation side of things. While the biography is short it feels disturbingly efficient. Speaking of which, however, the article fails to mention her being (and how she got to be so) self-sufficient. I'd also like to know how students have often reacted to her narcissistic behavior; do they continue to try to befriend her or do they leave her alone? The biography seems to make her narcissism absolute (which is a rarity indeed); how does factor into her assumptions about Andi?

On a side note, I've already lined up Damien, Renee and Marvin up for execution/critique. smile.gif What're y'all waiting for? My birthday? tongue.gif

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 19 2006, 02:13 AM
I thought about what you said, and added in a few things to try and fit with what you wrote down about Kristey. Grazie happy.gif

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Jul 19 2006, 03:15 AM
Honestly though, don't worry too much about the biographies for now. We'll get real strict on them come V2. tongue.gif


Posted by: Slayer Jul 19 2006, 03:20 AM
That's a good idea. Though their profiles are largely incomplete (note how I said in both of their profiles their biographies weren't done), I would like concrit on Alexander and Richard. Don't worry about being brutally honest; I'll take it well as long as nobody directly insults me. tongue.gif

Posted by: Shula Jul 19 2006, 04:22 AM
Heh. I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my li'l emoboy, Adrian. (http://Http://s10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1098) Is it too weird? It seems somehow weird to me, and I'm not sure why. Any feedback would be great--the good, the bad, the...uh...in between. =P

Posted by: laZardo Jul 19 2006, 05:30 AM
A good chunk of Adrian's bio sounds eerily familiar, reminding me that yes, his doppelganger fits in the cliché. Still, might have been what happened to that certain someone if it weren't for a certain PTA mom. Anyhoo, so far there'll already be many characters in only a few molds, so it's no problem at all. laugh.gif

I find myself a fan of the exclamatory style of narrative you've used in the middle school part of the bio. I also like the way it explains his style transitions. Curious though as to exactly how having that one friend influenced his personality, if at all. And how have his transitions affected his relationships with the faculty?

On a side note, those girl's pants sound a bit...restricting on a male, even if he is skinny...

EDIT: P.S., your link in the body text doesn't work. The one in the sig does work, though.

Posted by: Shula Jul 19 2006, 06:45 AM
QUOTE (laZardo @ Jul 19 2006, 01:30 AM)
A good chunk of Adrian's bio sounds eerily familiar, reminding me that yes, his doppelganger fits in the cliché. Still, might have been what happened to that certain someone if it weren't for a certain PTA mom. Anyhoo, so far there'll already be many characters in only a few molds, so it's no problem at all. laugh.gif

I find myself a fan of the exclamatory style of narrative you've used in the middle school part of the bio. I also like the way it explains his style transitions. Curious though as to exactly how having that one friend influenced his personality, if at all. And how have his transitions affected his relationships with the faculty?

On a side note, those girl's pants sound a bit...restricting on a male, even if he is skinny...

EDIT: P.S., your link in the body text doesn't work. The one in the sig does work, though.

First off, muchos gracias! anyway, going backwards...the link doesn't work? heh...I thought I used the same one for both...oops. I'll see if I can fix it (because I'm just weird like that)

As for the pants, well, I've seen it done. And the guy a bunch of us blackmailed into wearing them was much hippier than any skinny kid. I know that's not what you meant, but really, there's not much extra fabric in guy-pants there anyway. (I've gotten patterns for sewing both gender pants and really, the biggest difference in the rise...dunno why, just styles I guess.)

Heh, I probably should go more in depth with my emoboy and his buddy.

'gain, thanks for the feedback!

Posted by: mitsuko2 Jul 19 2006, 08:30 PM
Could someone citice Tybalt and mariavel? Megami's already helped me alot with Miss varella, but I would like some more opinians

Posted by: laZardo Jul 20 2006, 03:37 AM
Tybalt: I suppose this profile, bare as it is, could use a bit of updating given what's happened with him in the Gilroy RP threads. Prior to that he's been quite unlucky whom he's had a crush on, yes? You could try to flesh out his history and include his family, how has his orientation affected that. On a very nitpicking, technical note, I believe the two homerooms you could choose from in Gilroy were both Grade 9.

Mariavel: For a girl with bi-polar disorder, she sure has a lot of relationships, good and bad (her relationships with Richard and Erick could use a bit more description.) I'm a bit confused as to if hanging out with one member of the Bloody Fists is considered hanging out with the gang, since you say she hangs out with the populars. This leads to the need for a description as to how she ended up with the Bloody Fists in the first place.

Posted by: Slayer Jul 22 2006, 11:50 PM
QUOTE (Slayer @ Jul 19 2006, 03:20 AM)
That's a good idea. Though their profiles are largely incomplete (note how I said in both of their profiles their biographies weren't done), I would like concrit on Alexander and Richard. Don't worry about being brutally honest; I'll take it well as long as nobody directly insults me. tongue.gif

Also, if anyone actually does, could they please also give some crincrit for Walter? Since he's more "complete" I think more could be done off of him.

Posted by: Theseus Jul 23 2006, 02:31 AM
Oh I would like to get my two characters critiqued

Ian Rico and Sam Myron

Ian Rico being the one who would probably be easiest to critique because I have been RP'ing him more, thanks biggrin.gif

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 23 2006, 03:01 AM
Hoo boy...I've got my work cut out for me. I'll get to it, I promise.

Posted by: Aphrodite. Jul 23 2006, 03:11 AM
If someone has the time, could they possibly tell me what's good and what positively sucks about Lee-Ann's profile? I would greatly appreciate your efforts. You even get a digital cookie!

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 23 2006, 03:25 AM
QUOTE (Aphrodite. @ Jul 22 2006, 08:11 PM)
If someone has the time, could they possibly tell me what's good and what positively sucks about Lee-Ann's profile? I would greatly appreciate your efforts. You even get a digital cookie!

BTW, I love your icon, I use that same one as my livejournal icon.

Posted by: I-eat-cute-animals Jul 24 2006, 04:55 AM
I'm ready to possibly get shot down, Pick any character except my support character I haven't had a chance to use since Syuji is stuck in school.

Posted by: laZardo Jul 24 2006, 06:48 AM
*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. laugh.gif 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Walter Smith: That's one pretty spoiled bad-ass kid. Starting with the obvious, the biography would do well to be split into paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. But it's too late for that since I've already slogged through it. laugh.gif Anyway. You've got a really detailed history of this guy, down to some key moments, and you've created a nice complex web of relationships that suggests you've done this before. It'd be nice to see his rivalry with Bexley develop in v2 as - for some odd reason - the reactions of their parents when they find out their kids are in said SOTF.

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 24 2006, 02:13 PM
So, I wanna know what people think so far of Kristey and the Andi.

Posted by: I-eat-cute-animals Jul 25 2006, 03:11 AM
QUOTE (laZardo @ Jul 24 2006, 06:48 AM)
*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. laugh.gif 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Does she have aspergers: Mid functioning, she can talk, she just doesn't like to, her preference is a peice of paper and a pen.

16 at grade 11: Where I live I was 14 at grade 9, plus I was on rush limbagh pain pills at the time.

Treatment at gilroy: Kind of invisible, some people think she's mentally retarded at a first glance.

Posted by: Megami Jul 25 2006, 03:15 AM
I think he meant that 16 in grade 11 doesn't seem advanced because it's around the right age. I graduated at 17, not because I was advanced or skipped a grade, but because my birthday fell on August 18th and the deadline for that school year was September 1st. I graduated in May, which put me as being 17 at my time of graduation (and thusly 16 in grade 11, etc.) For someone who had skipped a grade or two, she should really be a bit younger. Then again, that's just me.

Posted by: I-eat-cute-animals Jul 25 2006, 03:24 AM
Andi: Andi is an overall nice guy, has the rebel thing glowing in him but not to the extent where everything is like 'Fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck fucker, piss maggot, necrophiliac, dead babies, sodomy', instead he's the more mellow type of rebel, but not really what you'd call a hippy, The flashback Idea makes it easier to RP characters that are elsewhere, I sort of stole it because I wanted to RP Kojiro for a second with myself.
I'd kind of like to know more about his fathers problems, and maybe some mystery or interest in his mother to be shown more, but I don't wish for it to be overdone, other than that it's not overused drama, there are more single fathers out there than you probably think, and my step father died of cancer, although I'd like to know more about key characters in Andi's life(IE: His father would occaisionally think about his mother), I won't force it.

Posted by: Xaldien Jul 26 2006, 02:52 AM
And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)

Posted by: I-eat-cute-animals Jul 26 2006, 05:13 AM
QUOTE (Xaldien @ Jul 26 2006, 02:52 AM)
And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)

Kristy: Shrewd bitch, whatever crawled up her ass and died should stay, fun lookin' character, Look forward to what may later be a catfight(No other way to describe it) if you're still up fore it.

Posted by: Lien Jul 28 2006, 10:19 PM
Alright. I'm going to review the last 5 profiles, and see how it goes... don't kill me, I'm brutally honest and it may come off mean. I really don't mean it that way.

First off:

http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1118- Besides the odd choice of name, and nearly no background history, we've automatically gone to the bad stuff before giving her any normal background. A way to go about fleshing her out can be some information on her household, or maybe why she chose paganism as a religion. The rape story is already commonly used in pregame, so if there was some kind of shock value that was supposed to be gathered from that fact, unfortunately it's to the point that "rape= ho-hum."

http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1133- Is this pronounced 'susie'? In the appearance department, I've got that she's pretty, and has long black hair. No description on her face or any other features. While pretty might be some help, this can vary to whoever's reading her posts. Another issue... the anorexia turned narcissism? Normally, it takes years of therapy or a pivotal moment for someone to recover from such a mental disorder. For them to do a whole 180 must be a story in itself, which, if the member is up for it, I would like to see be explained in her biography. It's not like you can't have a really interesting character, but at least give some reasoning or some sense to why they are the way they are.

http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1116- As far as fake indian tribes go, by all means try it out. However, Aryan, if you weren't aware, is an idealistic human theory of a divine race (see: Hilter, Holocaust, all that bad shit). Really not the best name for a native american tribe. A real west coast tribe, if I remember, is the Kumeeyay. The bright blue eyes don't seem characteristic at all either, unless in some way one of his ancestors had them, or if he's only half. Like many other profiles, there could be more, but I figure I'll critique what it already has.

http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1102- Wow. Long. Very long, but there is one thing I would like to see more of: why? I've been a fan of the "he's crazy and sadistic just because he is" theory. You know I've even done it, but the good thing about a profile is that you could probably explain why he's become a completely sadistic villain. He seemed normal, then BAM! Was there a moment where it triggered this in him? That's what I would like to know.

http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1101- From what I can tell, the character is a watcher with a frightened mother. And considering that he spends most of his time with her because of his homeschooling (you also never mention when or how the character ended up in homeroom) you've left quite a bit open to develop. We're probably not going to see your character roleplay with his mom, so you might want to give us some information concerning all that.

Meg asked me to review hers as well, so I'll get to those in another post.

Posted by: Lien Jul 29 2006, 01:37 AM
Megami, as most of you already know, has been a part of SOTF for awhile, and her contributions to the site, as well as her drive to make this board better, have made her a well-liked and newly appointed staff member. Anyway, now that I've kissed ass, onto the character critiques!

Ali Grayston- Considering most, if not all, of Meg's character bios are lengthy and in-depth, it was no surprise staring at quite a bit of Ali's life from a well-rounded view. What you could have elaborated on is the relationship between the elitist girls. Essentially, you see a bunch of information on her father and mother, and how close Ali is to them and how they've spoiled her. What we get from the elitist girls is that she feels like they are her family. I personally think that anyone can be hanging out and partying and doing all that, but explaining how much she trusts these girls could give light on her personality, possibly reinforcing her stereotypical nature or (and this would be a kicker) giving Ali a softer side to what you have generally made sounding very spoiled, callous, and stuck up.

Maggie Heartgreeder- One thing that seems to disrupt the flow in the piece is the mention to submitting poetry under an anonymous name. While I understand this is to show her reserved nature, it doesn't connect enough to really contribute much else to the biography. I mean, it makes me wonder if she's any good, or if she thinks that her work isn't good enough... too loose to be just left without explanation.

Tanesha Lexx- We've got that she's boy-crazy and depressed, and generally isn't well-liked, but how is she around her friends? What do the people who stuck by her think of her, and how does she act around them? Of course... I have an idea, but it's not explicitly stated.

Whitney Acosta- Modeling is in her activities, but between running, cheerleading, and a social life, it's hard to see her able to do that as well. Most people her age need a parent to come along, and it seems that her guardians are too busy with careers to put effort into hers.

Posted by: LadyMakaze Jul 29 2006, 01:42 AM
Well why not? I'll through in my characters for critique, now that I have time to improve a bit before the real games finally begin.

Here's my array of characters pretty much, in no particular order

An Linh Tuan

Matthias Kovalenko

Jodeen Kovalenko

Cathalie Meguro

Mitch Gunther

Kim Jones-Larame

Carmen Somerset

Feel free to critique one or all or few or none at all biggrin.gif I offer free cookie! (except for the none option, naturally.)

Posted by: Cycokiller Jul 29 2006, 01:44 AM
Ooh, ooh, do me! Do my people in pretty colors Lien!

Posted by: laZardo Aug 4 2006, 11:28 AM
Still waiting. laugh.gif ANYWAY.

We've seen ports of handlers, but this one http://www.ea.com/article.jsp?dcr=sports&id=nhl07_cover

I leave critiques of this one to the viewing audience.

Posted by: Kris Aug 5 2006, 03:18 AM
I need work on my characters so I guess I could use some constructive criticisim! XD Already here are the characters that are my main ones.

Paris Persphone

Ebony Libitina

Marimar Perez

Darcy Rose

Gigi Sinclaire


Posted by: Megami Aug 5 2006, 03:38 AM
Mahh, what the hell.

Paris Persphone: I actually do enjoy Paris as a character. In my personal opinion, you roleplay him much better than your other characters, and I think that's because you've really found your niche with him. Sure, he's a bit of a stereotype, but you play him well and you've managed to make quite the impact on just about all of Paris's classmates with the character. As far as criticism goes, I'd like to see him expanded on a bit. Off the top of my mind, you might delve into how he became one of the "populars", considering a lot of his classmates seem to dislike him.

Darcy Rose: Don't take this the wrong way, but I just don't care for Darcy as a character. I understand her closeness to Mariavel and Lavender, and it's normal for high school girls to have a certain social clique that they're exceptionally close to. My problem with her is pretty much the same thing that my issue with Mariavel was. She's this gorgeous, popular character, and yet in the same token, she's in a schoolyard gang. Those two generalizations are on such opposite ends of the spectrum that it really doesn't make sense for a character to be both, you know? I get the impression that she just joined the Bloody Fists to be close to Mariavel and Lavvy (who isn't even part of the gang). Maybe expand on how she's both at the same time, because as of now, it doesn't make too much sense. Other than that, I can't really comment on her since you haven't had much of an opportunity to roleplay with her as of yet.

Mitch Gunther: I heart Mitch. He's such a unique and oddball individual that he can't help but be endearing. His odd behavior and quirky ways do leave me with a lot of questions about him, however. I'm curious, what happened to his parents? How'd he end up in the orphanage? Why's he so close to Cathalie? Being the almighty Makaze, I'm sure you'd planned on expanding upon these and more anyway, but I figured I'd throw them out there. He's a fun character and he's definitely an original concept. He reminds me a lot of my Tanesha character in that he's in essence a social reject who's very flawed... a faulty product, if you will. That's what makes him likeable.

Damien Carter-Madison: I felt that Damien was the only character I could really critique at present, simply because of the fact that Marvin and Renee are just now being properly established. Another interesting concept, for sure. It seems like a lot of people are into playing the bullies in this game, so it's nice to see some of the kids being picked on. I like the way you illustrate what sort of lengths Damien goes to every day of his life to avoid the clique that constantly picks on him. Again, it never hurts to expand. I find myself asking a lot of questions about Damien and his relationship with the clique. Why do they pick on him, out of all the students at Gilroy Academy? How long have they been doing this? Why doesn't Damien ever retaliate? Just throwing out a couple of ideas to help expand the character a bit.

I'll critique more when I don't have to be up at 7 AM. ^.^

Posted by: laZardo Aug 5 2006, 02:06 PM
Thanks for the critique, and I'll be sure to work on it (if I haven't done so already. XD).

Posted by: Kris Aug 5 2006, 10:20 PM
Thanks a bunch Megami I really appreciate it happy.gif

Posted by: Aphrodite. Aug 6 2006, 07:02 PM
Ick. I just feel like something is wrong with both of my characters. I know I already posted, but can someone tell me if there are major problems with either of them? The links are in my sig. I just feel like there's something off....

Posted by: Megami Aug 7 2006, 03:38 AM
I have to point this out, because I find it funny. It's... sort of a character critique. More like critiquing a bunch of characters at once. ANYWAY. What the crap is with all the homosexual, bisexual, and bi-curious characters at Hobbsborough? Lordy, the girls there must be ugly as sin or something, because of the entire tenth grade class, there's like maybe a handful of straight guys. It's just really funny, considering half of Hobbsborough are devout Catholics. But hey, it adds fuel to the fire when it comes to the school war, no?

Posted by: Slayer Aug 7 2006, 02:08 PM
I have to agree, it's really overdone (same with rape. There are only one or two pregame characters that HAVEN'T been raped, apparently). It seems the only straight person there is Debrah, everyone else is either gay bi or asexual. Enough already.

Posted by: Xaldien Aug 7 2006, 06:28 PM
In my defense... Andi is made after me, in almost every way including the being gay deal, lol.


Posted by: Megami Aug 7 2006, 07:07 PM
I don't really see anything wrong with it. I just find it funny, and quite a bit ironic, that we seem to have all these homosexual and bisexual characters in Hobbsborough, of all the schools. I think Andi was Hobbsborough's original "gay boy", so to speak, and a lot of people just followed en suite. Meh, you can chalk it up to trends though (or the fact that a lot of their handlers happen to be female), every roleplay has them. Version 1 had a lot of homosexual and bisexual characters (Daisuke Andou, Aiden Ambrose, Naoji Hideyoshi, Wednesday Garci, Chi Masumi, the list goes on). V1 also had a lot of loners and "ugly" kids. V2 did a 180 from that and we've got all these model-pretty guys and girls running around who're popular and at the top of their class. V1 and V2 are gonna share another common trait as well, it seems. Slayer pointed it out earlier, half the characters have been either physically or sexually abused. With stuff like that though, it's SO overdone that it's become... shall we say, not very important. Even in V1, every other bio you read seems to talk about how their character was sexually abused as a child or how their father beats them on a regular basis. It's common in a lot of biographies where handlers want to establish why their character hates the world or why they act out or just... whatever. Thing is, so many people do it that it's no longer something to segregate characters from one another. *deep breath* Anyway, just my two cents on Version 1 trends versus Version 2 trends. ^.^

Posted by: Xaldien Aug 7 2006, 07:39 PM
Yeah, I noticed that.
Originally, I wanted to have Siouxsie be a tragic, sexually abused, hollow shell of a character.
Then I went NAH!

Make her normal... except for her dress code.

Posted by: Aphrodite. Aug 7 2006, 08:26 PM
Annabelle isn't a lesbian. She's going to start thinking she is though. ^^ Whee!!! But yea, Hobbsborough is over-flowing with the rainbow people.

Posted by: Megami Aug 10 2006, 04:36 AM
Mm...kay. As per request. Forgive the crappiness of these reviews, I'm sleepy:

Mai Oshinari: Definitely a good character, definitely on her way to being well-established as a villain character for version 2. She's proven through her storyline with Kim that she's willing to do whatever it takes to suit her own personal goals. Why? What caused her to go from a quiet, scholarly girl to a two-faced demon in disguise? What caused her to first raise her fist to Yoko? It seems that that moment was a very crucial time in Mai's life, and it's left very vague.

Danielle Tysl: I can't critique her bio, because she doesn't have one. tongue.gif I like what you did with her appearance though, especially how you specified her makeup habits and whatnot. It gave her a bit of uniqueness that a lot of the characters don't seem to possess. Danielle seems like a minor character right now, but I'm willing to bet she's gonna be one of the ones who shoots up during the game and becomes someone important.

Jamie Lesher: Once again, I have to compliment you for your description on Jamie's looks. He's not the stereotypical good-looking jock we seem to be seeing a lot of in V2. Kudos on throwing in the acne part and noting that he wasn't particularly attractive. I find myself quite curious about Jamie. We're told that he moved from his mother's house because of her new husband, but how do he and his father get along? When did he first discover his love of wrestling, and what caused it? It's obviously a big factor in Jamie's life, it should be expanded on a bit more. Also, what does he do to serve as a big brother figure to the lowerclassmen?

Posted by: Lien Aug 10 2006, 05:08 AM
My turn to put a POV on the Gay/Lesbian scene.

ohmy.gif

The reason why this can be more noticable than other trends in V2 is because it's the only thing that handlers have decided to focus on in developing their characters. Whole profiles are set around the person being gay, coming out, and just generally their struggle, and there is little to establish the type of person they are outside of that. It's too much focus on one aspect, as opposed to many that people generally have in life.

I may have missed something, but the only vibe I've gotten from characters is that they're either trying to find someone to be with, or forever angsting over being teased because of their non-conformity to the straight society.

Those are tough times and all that, and they help out with development, but nowhere near as much as when it's all you rely on. So my advice to turning that around would be to flesh it out some more, what's their favorite music, how do they talk, what's their homelife like, how about past times? Give them something else to do besides fawn over boys....

Gay is not exactly a complete personality, it's a trait.

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Aug 10 2006, 05:47 AM
I still need critiques on my characters:

Sarah Dao
Rupert Stockton

Posted by: Slayer Aug 10 2006, 05:56 AM
All due respect, but how can we critique characters that haven't even been used yet, especially when one's just LadyMakaze put into RP form? huh.gif

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Aug 10 2006, 07:09 AM
By the profile.

Posted by: Cycokiller Aug 10 2006, 10:00 PM
I'll be covering a few when I get home from work today, promise.

Posted by: Theseus Aug 10 2006, 10:10 PM
I still would like my characters Ian Rico and Sam Myron critiqued. Sam Myron might be a little hard since he hasn't been used that much, but Ian Rico I have used quite a bit. Thanks.

Posted by: Megami Aug 17 2006, 05:19 PM
The following is yet another overall critique/suggestion brought to you by Megami:

tongue.gif

This is just a little constructive critism directed toward those who post "Looking for..." threads in the discussion forum. There's nothing wrong with that, it's a great way to establish character relations. Hell, I've done it myself. Back to my point. Guys, when you establish friendship/hatredship (yeah, I made it up, bite me)/whatever~ship relationships between characters, here's a word of advice: PM the person you're setting up a relationship with and establish a backstory.

As funny as it is for your character to randomly run into someone they've never met before in their entire lives and pounce on them while screaming, "Omigawd, let's be bestest friends forever and ever and ever okay?!", it's... well... campy's a good word. There aren't many people who jump headfirst into a relationship (be it like or hate) with someone they know absolutely nothing about. Plus, if you formulate a backstory, it leaves room to expand your profile to encorporate the other character.

Basically, if you take the time to formulate relationships it helps you create more of a past for your character. Helps you act like less of a newb too, because your character actually had a past and had relationships beyond the context of the pre-game roleplay. Make sense? You've got to figure, if you're character is, for example, a Junior at Franklyn Senior, odds are they've been going to school with their classmates for at least the past two years (unless of course they just moved.) They're bound to know something about them. They're bound to dislike a couple of them.

Just think about that when you're formulating relationships. It's a lot less campy for two characters to have bad blood between one another if they haven't just met the day before, you know? There's obvious exceptions to this, as there are anything. Like... if your character is a homophobe or a sexist, that in itself is enough reason for them to dislike someone else... but we don't have very many of those, and that's not the point. The moral of this story is: establishing a relationship before the time period of pre-game makes your characters more realistic and less campy.

Just some advice to keep in mind. <3

Posted by: Kid Aug 19 2006, 07:12 PM
Hello everyone. I would like to know if someone can critique my three characters.

Vincent Ryans, Julia Rose, and Liney Suffex.

I want to know how I can improve them. biggrin.gif

Posted by: Cycokiller Aug 19 2006, 07:38 PM
Ok, since I'm obviously in way over my head here, I'm starting a new waiting list. First come first serve, and I'm sorry if you've been waiting for a while now (Afroman, for example) but I need to start over. That means you too, Kid. And Theseus. Sorry, can't just start anywhere I please. HOWEVER! These WILL be done, promise! I have NO WORK TODAY!

Posted by: Kid Aug 19 2006, 07:41 PM
No problem. Patience for me is a virtue. smile.gif

Posted by: Cycokiller Aug 19 2006, 07:48 PM
Here's the waiting list, as started by Kid apparently (no point in requesting twice). It'll be edited according to new requests. Sorry again for the inconvenience; I am a lazy, lazy man.

WAITING LIST
Vincent Ryans
Julia Rose
Liney Suffex
Jack Russell
Jonathan Michaels

Posted by: Megami Aug 19 2006, 10:03 PM
Lots of people have asked for critiques (recently and non) that have gone unfulfilled. Therefore, I will now fill all the critiques that have gone undone. ^.^

An Linh Tuan: Another original concept on the part of Makaze, she’s high school pretty, as opposed to being super-model pretty, which is a nice change of pace and something that more handlers need to take into account when creating their characters. We’ve seen a lot of the aspects of her personality put to use in the pre-game so far. One thing we haven’t seen that I do hope we’ll get a glimpse into is her fierce loyalty to the select few friends that she does have. I’m curious as to why she seems so aggressive toward Mai Oshinari. So far it’s pretty much just been gut instinct and a bit of deduction on An Linh’s part as to what really happened to Kim, but in her mind she’s pinned it all on Mai. Why? She’s awfully involved in the storyline for a character who tries her best to remain separated from the majority of her peers, so it seems like there would be an important reason behind An Linh’s desire to get involved in something so messy.

Jodeen Kovalenko: Since Jodeen doesn’t have a posted bio, this will be done purely on what I’ve seen of her in the pre-game roleplay. What I get from Jodeen is that she’s somewhat naive and that she likes to think she’s more grown-up than she really is. Matthias’s overprotectiveness toward her is evident, but we’re never really told much about how Jodeen feels toward her brothers actions. Sometimes it’s like she appreciates it, other times it’s like she wants him to just leave her alone and let her be a kid. Understandable. Does she ever resent him or get mad at him for the way he acts? He seems protective to the point of obsession, which is illustrated particularly well during the incident with Sam Myron at the convenience store. We’re told about Jo’s likes and dislikes to a point, but there’s a lot about the character that isn’t known. I’m hoping that eventually this will be addressed in a profile, especially details surrounding her advanced classes that would allow her to be taking eleventh grade courses with her brother.

Carmen Somerset: Like all of the other Sisterhood girls, Carmen’s relationship to the group as a whole needs to be elaborated upon quite a bit. All we’re really told about them at present is that she considers them her equals. Of course, it’s hard to elaborate when the group is incomplete, so I feel you on that one. Carmen’s a real interesting girl. She’s sly and manipulative, but she’s subtle about the things that she does and her intentions. I’m curious as to whether or not the things she told Tanesha about her apparent crushes were true or rather she only stated it to butter up the other girl. Also, I’m curious about her relationships with her family and other friends; good points to elaborate upon.

Ebony Libitina: Ebony’s a bit of an oddball, but overall, she’s a fun character. Her storyline with Sasoru is a bit campy, but don’t take that personally. It’s just got a really rushed feel to it overall. I mean, she met Sasoru and within the period she was asking him out, within the same day she met his best friend, discovered he was a bisexual, all sorts of things that would generally freak a person out to learn in such a short amount of time, but she seems really laid-back and cool about everything. Ebony’s biography could stand to be elaborated upon quite a bit. You state that she’s very pretty, so I’m curious as to how Ebony, being 15 and still in the midst of puberty, manages to keep the acne away and manages to be as attractive as she is at 15. If you elaborate on minor details like that, it’ll make her seem like less of a Sue. Why are her parents rich? What sort of jobs do they do? That’s always an interesting little tidbit to throw in. She’s very athletic according to her biography, but we’ve yet to see that side of her on the boards. In fact, she comes off as a bit of a priss... you know, a girly-girl. Stuff like that could stand to be elaborated upon.

Marimar Perez: Is Marimar participating in V2? If she is, you might want to switch her to a grade 11 class, since there are no grade 10 classes available at Franklyn. A word of advice, elaborate on how she keeps such a svelte figure. Some people have a naturally high metabolism that gives them a good figure, but most people have to work for it. I’m also curious as to how at 16 years old, she’s the Homecoming Queen, considering that at most schools, the Queen has to be a Senior. Overall, her profile establishes her as being a very caring and loving individual, and you do a good job of keeping with that during the course of your roleplays with her. As I said before, any elaboration helps. Maybe tell us about why Marimar is so close to her family or what first spawned her interest in the sea. You’ve gone through the trouble of telling us about how talented she is in her biology courses, so if you feel the need, you might also elaborate on her perhaps pursuing a career in the subject or something.

Gigi Sinclaire: To be blunt, reading over Gigi’s profile, you can tell that she was modeled after the girl in your signature, and we get no real details to establish her as a person. Why’s she so obsessed with the sixties? It was obviously long before her time, in fact, her parents were probably just children then, so what makes her so interested in it? We only recently discovered in pre-game that she’s a dancer, along with Mai Oshinari. How does someone who’s so clumsy in life acquire grace on the dance floor? It’s very plausible, it happens all the time. I’d just like to know how. You tell us what your characters do, but it’s always good to delve into that and explain how they came to enjoy the things they do, what got them started, what their inspiration was, etc.

Annabelle Bucchanon: Again, we’ve got a 15 year old girl with a stunning body who does seemingly no work to keep it that way. She seems like an active girl with very little free time, so I’m also curious as to how she manages to maintain such stellar grades. How did the rumors about her being a lesbian get started if she’s popular and well-liked? Did someone start it just out of spite? Do the other freshmen at Hobbsborough actually believe those rumors, even though Annabelle’s popular and they should really know better? Also, I’m surprised that there are a lot of homophobes at Hobbsborough, considering the amount of homosexuals in the sophomore class. You might also elaborate a bit on Jackson and her sudden bout of boy-craziness. Storyline-wise, we’ve seen very little of Annabelle. All we know is that she likes to shop at the local thrift mall and that she randomly jumped into a brawl between a couple of Bathurst gang girls, so I’d like to see more of her soon. I’m curious as to where you’re going with her.

Lee-Ann Collier: I love Lee-Ann’s appearance, just so you know. She’s a pretty girl, but she’s overweight. It’s a nice change of pace from “I’m model skinny and look like I belong on the cover of a fashion magazine even though I’m only 15!” The miscarriage story that you threw in there was good and helped explain Lee-Ann’s weight gain without making her biography into another over-sappy, depressing one. At the end of her biography, you give us lots of neat little tidbits on her life, but I think they’d be better if encorporated into her profile and expanded upon. She’s another character who hasn’t done much over the course of the roleplay, but I’m curious about the voices in her head. Care to elaborate?

Sam Myron: Good job telling us about the exercises Sam does to keep in relatively decent shape, it’s a real-life fact that’s left out of a lot of profiles. Excellent backstory involving his uncle and how his influence was what first got Sam interested in the art of illusion. I also enjoyed the fact that you told us about his job and how it relates to his field of interest. Sam’s another one that we’ve yet to see too much of over the course of pre-game, but his first appearance definitely introduced him as being the skilled magician he was. It also showed his people skills and laid-back demeanor. Of course, I’m hoping to see a bit of Sam Myron away from the magic act, perhaps meet his uncle and whatnot, so I’m hoping you’ll provide.

Ian Rico: You know, we’re not really given much description about Ian’s looks. We’re just told that he has dark hair and green eyes, along with some other minor details. Same with Sam actually, so you might consider elaborating upon his facial features and whatnot a bit. Liked the bit in the profile where you mentioned the sports he tried and failed at, it’s nice to see a character who isn’t just naturally talented at everything they do. The inner war he fought with himself between karate and paintball was an awesome add to the overall biography. Expand on Ian’s relationship with Sofie. How do they know one another? How long have they known one another? He seems to be a rather personable person, though he is a bit reserved. Also, maybe elaborate on his family life a bit.

Liney Suffex: Specifically, the following sentence throws me off: “He spends most of his time playing video games and going on forums to roleplay that his health looks bad when in reality he's perfectly fine.” What does his health have to do with him going on forums to roleplay? Might want to reword that sentence, because I found myself going “huh?”. What sort of birthmarks are on his face? If he has enough money to take vacations to England and whatnot, how come he wears his brother’s hand-me-down clothes? Personal preference? Overall he’s not a bad character, he’s quite normal which is something the forum really seems to lack. There’s just bits and pieces that could stand to be elaborated on.

Julia Rose: Julia’s profile has a lot of little tidbits of information in it. She’d be a much more interesting and developed character if you elaborated upon them. You’re giving us stuff like “Julia’s mother died of lung cancer.” “Julia’s sister moved away.” “Julia likes to draw.” Instead of just telling us, tell us ABOUT it. When did her mother die? Why did her sister move away? Who’s she staying with? When did she move? Why does Julia draw? Is she good, bad, mediocre? Elaborate on the facts you’re giving us, it’ll help you expand her profile.

Vincent Ryans: I think you do a good job with your character descriptions on both Vincent and Julia. You try to go into details about their key features, and that’s always a good thing. Vincent’s got a troubled past that should really be further elaborated upon. He obviously suffers/suffered from multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia or something of that nature in his past. Nobody ever noticed this? Nobody ever felt the need to take him to see a psychiatrist because he thought he was Anthony? Why did a group of older boys feel the need to attack him and slice him open with a box cutter on school campus? I should hope they got expelled for that at the very least, and probably sent off to Juvie. Also, from what I’ve seen of him in the roleplay, his personality doesn’t really match his past, even if he’s suppressed the memories of everything that happened. He’s awfully laid-back and he seems like he doesn’t have a care in the world. It doesn’t really match his tragic and horrific past. Maybe elaborate upon that?

Posted by: Queen Asshat Aug 19 2006, 10:10 PM
Just for shits and giggles, Jack Russell and Jonathan.

Posted by: Kid Aug 19 2006, 11:16 PM
Thank you, I took a lot of your thoghts into consideration and modified the biographies. biggrin.gif

Posted by: Kris Aug 20 2006, 01:26 AM
Meg let me just tell you I enjoy your reviews on my characters! Thanks for telling me what i need help on. The only profile I've revamped dramatically is Paris's profile. But I plan to dwelve in it much more. Thanks a bunch! After I revamp my characters profiles I'll post if you can review them again and so what kind of progress needs to be pursued! Thanks again!

Posted by: d0ddi0slave Aug 20 2006, 01:38 AM
Okay...well...don't get used to it, but...I'll do two reviews, mainly because I've guilt-tripped two members into reviewing mine. XD Anyways...as I said - don't get used to seeing me frequenting pre-game until Endgame is finished.


But as for my rare appearance out of the private-forum...

Tanesha Lexx: I'm surprised, really. I have not seen a more flawed character in pre-game. She's really quite realistic in I can picture her as the kind of girl that's in your class at school that you're always privately hoping you never have to work with in anything. Clumsy, tactless, and a bit of a whiner, Tanesha is flawed, which makes her interesting. The unfortunate bit of it is that I can sort of see what's going to happen to her come V2...she'll freak out and be relentlessly gunned down by some motivator. I don't want that to happen. I want Tanesha to evolve. Find some inner strength! Still be lame and probably the kind of person you'd rather just shoot, but...you know what I mean. I'm just concerned that she's got one path to run and that'll be it.

Johnathan Michaels: I like Jonathan, mainly because while I know he's got the definite potential to have a Jacob Starr-like thought process while in v2, I think that he's going to really sway the line between villain and hero quite a few times. I figure he'll stay around a lot, and I'm glad. He seems like a deeper character, though I am concerned with the fact that he's 'a boxing champion'. I mean, he's a high schooler, that generally don't happen much. That might be something hard to work around, but...*shrug* it's not that big of a deal. I hope that Jonathan doesn't turn out to be the usual bland killer type, because I think that he could go through some serious development, and would likely have a really unique perspective to things.


Posted by: Megami Aug 20 2006, 02:42 AM
Andrew Panturescu: As always, your description of both Andrew’s looks and personality is right on par with your usual stuff. Hm... you said that Andrew doesn’t get mad very often, and he doesn’t dislike people very often... so what does it take to piss Pants off? From what I’ve seen, Andrew’s a very laid-back guy and even Rupert’s insults just bounced right off him. Maybe you could illustrate a couple instances that would warrant Pants’s popularity skyrocketing at the rate that it did. I mean obviously he’s a very popular guy in that he managed to snag the Vice-Presidency of Hobbsborough High in the year or so that he’s been in the States. The comment about Andrew’s two older brothers seems really out of place. You could always elaborate on his relationship to them, as well.

Alexander Ovechkin: First of all, kudos to you for making a character who looks younger than he actually is. Most of the SOTF characters have the uncanny ability to look like they’re in their 20s when they’re 15. We know that Alex has trouble expressing emotions and sometimes gets depressed, and you’ve mentioned that the death of his brother several years ago gets him down sometimes. Maybe elaborate upon that a bit? You also talk about how Alex misses his family a lot because none of them are in the States. How does Alex cope with being in the States alone and speaking relatively little English to boot? Does he feel at all awkward about the fact that he’s roughly five years older than everybody in the class? Do people ever bully him or call him stupid because he’s so old and in an eleventh grade class or anything? I’m curious.

Burton Harris: Off the top of my head, his appearance could stand to be elaborated on just a bit more... give us more details about his facial features and whatnot aside from his long hair, stubble, and glasses. By the way, just to throw this out there, I’m highly disturbed that Burton masquerades as a fourteen-year-old girl in his advice column. I’m also curious as to whether Burton has any inside knowledge of the SOTF ACT, being as he’s done enough research on the project to have written two essays and compiled a play about the subject. You could also elaborate as to why Burton ever got into marijuana as well.

Adam Amato: Them putting him in the wrong grade and him deciding not to do anything about it throws me off a bit, to be honest with you. Since he sucker-punched Paris in the “Another day in Homeroom...” thread, you might want to edit the part about Adam never coming to blows with anyone, and perhaps elaborate on what pushed him over the edge with Paris that others have never done. Also, why’s he have such a short fuse, just out of curiosity? How’s he feel about the fact that one of his best friends was also chosen for the exchange program and is attending the same high school as him? Does that make him feel better at all about the unfortunate events that befell Adam and Andrew?

Sarah Dao: Why doesn’t she trust people? Does that stem from something in her past, or is it just the way she is? You’d think it would take more than the incident of a friend turning on her to cause her to distrust people in general. How does she get over this to form friendships with the select few that she does? What causes the relationship between Sarah and her parents to be rocky? By the way, I like the odd little quirks you listed her as having... the things she does with her pent-up energy.

Rupert Stockton: Although I hate the stereotypical past you gave him, I’ll admit, it’s well-written. What are his teeth stained from? Caffeine? I’m sort of curious as to why his mother didn’t leave his father and move elsewhere if she knew full-well what he was doing to both her and the children, or why she didn’t call D.H.S. and have the children taken away or something. Rupert’s a big, big guy, so he must be one hell of a coward to let his father get away with the things he does. Maybe you could elaborate on why Rupert continually takes the abuse from his father without trying to fight back? I do like the way that his father constantly calling him gay made him into a homophobe, and the constant mental abuse he has incurred explains a lot about the way he acts.

Posted by: Aphrodite. Aug 20 2006, 05:02 AM
I really must say I'm sorry. I didn't read the thread for the longest and posted today with a complaint. Thank you Megami for the critiques. I honestly haven't thought too much about all of that. I'll get the updated versions very soon and then see what happens. I noted that something happened at Hobbsborough and Annabelle is just kind of off somewhere. I need to figure out how to put everything in there. I appreciate the advice and comments. *muah*

Posted by: Megami Aug 20 2006, 05:17 AM
I know you'd mentioned in a post earlier today that you'd requested your characters done and they never got done, which is why I did them for you. <3 I hate to see people left hanging, they ask for critiques because they want other people's opinions. It sucks to ask other people what they think and not get an answer. Hence the reason I've done like 20 of them today. dry.gif Haha.

Posted by: Cycokiller Aug 21 2006, 05:03 AM
And I've done: like...two. Ever. Three? I can't follow through on anything; look at my twelve kids...

Posted by: Megami Aug 29 2006, 07:53 PM
Jolie Sheehan: Reading over her biography, the first thing that pops into my mind is the reasoning behind why Jolie hates her height so much. Does she hate being tall, or does she hate the fact that she's, you know, 5'9 1/2"? I like how you mentioned that Jolie exercizes to keep her picture-perfect physique, it's something that a lot of handlers tend to leave unmentioned and something that makes her seem more realistic as a character. Overall, her description is sort of vague. You tell us the very basics of what she looks like -- blonde hair, green eyes, cute face, and svelte body. What you fail to do is dig deeper into that and bring her features more to life. It never hurts to go in depth and describe her in detail -- whether or not she has dimples and long eyelashes, what shade of lipstick she wears, the angle at which she does her eyebrows -- there are so many little details that could be added to help us get the best mental image of Jolie possible.

I do enjoy the backstory of Jolie being an outsider her entire life due to her mother's immature and almost neglegent behavior. It adds to her past without being overly angsty and dramatic like so many people chose to do with their biographies. Off the top of my head, her unrequited crush on Andrew Panturescu could definitely be fleshed out a bit, such as telling us how she even knows Andrew and what attracted her to him in the first place. There are a lot of little details in Jolie's profile that would be a lot more interesting if fleshed out. Obviously, since her mother has had a bad relationship with virtually everyone she's ever dated, this would have affected Jolie on many different levels. You've described to us that the constant moving across the country had made Jolie wary of getting close to anyone. How does her mother's behavior affect her? How does having grown up without a solid father figure in her life affect her?


Taylor Brennan: It's easy to tell that Taylor is your apparent flagship character, his biography is well thought-out and written in detail. I enjoy the detail you went into with Taylor's vanity, as well as the insecurities he secretly holds about the imperfections within himself. I also enjoy how his string of surguries and the possibility of life being the same -- or even over -- caused Taylor to become more appreciative of life and the things it holds. Also, I've got to commend you for creating an openly homosexual character who isn't battered and ridiculed because of his sexuality. In fact, he was popular enough, despite everything, to become president of the Sophomore class. His rise to popularity fits well, as he stopped taking life for granted and enjoying everyone and everything more when he realized just how fragile life could be.

I'm curious about the psychosis that affected his mother after his parents' second divorce, and I'm curious as to how an emotional crisis like that affected Taylor. You say his family has known about his sexual preferences much longer than his friends. How do they feel about it? How did Taylor become close to his stepmother? Obviously they didn't get along very well in the past, so what occurred that caused them to bridge the gap between one another? I'm also curious as to why Edgar is one of Taylor's favorite classmates. tongue.gif Also, all of the "other" facts written about Taylor could easily be incorporated into his biography and elaborated upon.


Andie Colvin: I will tell you that I love you for having a character with a beautiful face that's overlooked because she's a tom-boy, and I love you for the fact that you didn't feel the need to make Andie have ridiculously oversized breasts. Her appearance is a bit lacking in details. We've no clue what color her eyes are, and although you state that she holds a natural beauty, you don't give us any information on her facial features. You have to remember that everyone has a different idea of beauty, and you're trying to convey your vision of Andie to everyone else. Just out of curiosity, what spurred the Colvins to have a whopping six children in this day and age? Why did Andie prefer befriending boys to girls from a young age onward? Did it have anything to do with the fact that she's the only girl in such a large family?

Also, by all means, flesh out the backstory surrounding Andie playing football. She's so tiny and fragile that it's hard to imagine, though it's by no means impossible. Does anyone at Franklyn ever pick on or tease her for her overly masculine personality? You'd think that by the way she acts (especially after it was established in the storyline that she fought Eric Silvstedt and nearly won), you'd think people would be skeptical of her sexuality, among other things. Also, you don't say much about Andie's classmates' attitude toward her. Being as she was harrassed by the players and coaches for attempting to play football and is sort of a rough-and-tumble gal, I wonder how many friends she's managed to accumulate. Also, I'd like to know more about her crush on Matthias Kovalenko, how it came to be, and if it's in any way requited.


Austin Spencer: Once again, I commend you for going into detail about your character's active lifestyle leading to their exceptionally etched physique. I also like the way that you've made Austin out to be this big-time athlete and popular guy. He strikes me as someone who would be homophobic and ridicule homosexuals because he's insecure with and doesn't understand his sexuality. I'm also curious as to Austin's relationship with Taylor. They barely socialize, and Taylor is oblivious to Austin's feelings for him, but Austin has some sort of infatuation with him. Perhaps that could be elaborated upon?

I like how you threw in his devotion to religion, because that only makes things harder on someone who's attempting to discover their sexuality. When you've got a religion telling you that things such as homosexuality are "wrong", it can make life very hard. I also like how you tell about Austin's father's strict opposition to issues such as homosexuality and how that has basically forced Austin to stay in the closet and never have anyone to talk to about the changes he's undergoing. You've done a superb job on establishing Austin's struggle for sexuality, but not much is known about him beyond the fact that he's a closet homosexual whose uncomfortable with his sexuality. Perhaps tell us a bit more about his womanizing, or maybe his friends?

Posted by: Theseus Aug 29 2006, 11:36 PM
Sorry it took so long to get these posted up many many apologies sad.gif





Whitney Acosta- What can I say about Whitney other than wow. You definitely have a knack for making your characters seem realistic. I really like how you described in detail how she keeps up her amazing appearance and her shape. You also did a good job in describing how she looks. The whole situation with Ricky is pretty interesting, but now I am starting to wonder if something might spark up between Whitney and Matthias even though it seems like their relationship is purely platonic. You do a very good job of explaining her life and her profile is pretty much flawless. There really isn’t much I can say that you need to improve on. If anything I hope we can see more of her home life. I know she’s already had to deal with her dad on her cell phone, and that was a nice touch. I hope to see more of her dad and learn more about his motives to his being over-protective. If there are any motives at all or if it’s just pure normal fatherly instinct.

Ricky Callahan- Ricky, definitely an interesting character. His relationship with Whitney is very well written and it should be interesting to see how it all plays out in the end. I love how you have him as a benchwarmer and not some top athlete. Once again you do an amazing job in describing his appearance and his style. The situation at Benson’s was really a defining moment for him in my opinion, especially when he took the blame for Eric. It shows you that he really is a good kid. I guess I want to know why he’s socially inept. Besides being smart and being picked on back in elementary school is there something more to it? He seems like a decent handsome guy so why does he have a hard time making friends?


Tanesha Lexx- Ha wow well she is definitely one of the most interesting characters. She is unique in every way. You did a wonderful job describing her appearance (no surprise) and her past. I love how she isn’t some pretty model who has life made for her, she’s like a true high school American, if a little extreme in some aspects, but all within the realm of possibility. I want to know more about why she’s overweight though. Is it because she just likes food or because she’s lazy and doesn’t exercise? A little of both? Also her boy obsession is definitely a nice finishing touch which I hope to see a lot of in the future.

Maggie Heartgreeder- I really like her back story. I thought it was pretty cool how her parents are protecting her from her past, but it leads me to wonder if somehow she is going to find out about her past. If she did find out about it, that would lead to some interesting scenes. She seems like a relatively normal high school girl minus her past though. I guess also I would like to know more about her timid ness and her shyness and what causes that.


Eric Silvstedt- Now wow talk about a kid who has troubles. I like how you gave him acne so he’s not some perfect jock but his personality rocks. You wrote him amazingly talking about his past and how he raised himself. The situation at the bar was also a pretty good defining moment and his hatred towards Matthias is definitely something I enjoy reading about. I guess what I really want to read now is his relationship with his two sisters and his mother’s new love. Seeing him interact with all of them would definitely be quite the spectacle to read, especially if he hates Wendell as much as is written. I also enjoy how he is such a sexist and womanizer, and overall it makes for a very good read.

Ali Grayston- Saving the best for last in my opinion. She is definitely one of my favorite characters in pre-game so far and my favorite character of yours. Reading the situations she gets in is awesome and you write her so realistically. First off you do an amazing job explaining what she looks like, which is something I love about your characters, even I am guilty of not going into much detail on appearance. Her relationship with her dad is nicely written, and she is definitely a daddy’s girl. Now one of my favorite things so far about her is the whole Gregg situation. You see this side on Ali that you don’t normally see and you almost feel sorry for her. She is this mean manipulating girl in every situation until she gets with Gregg and you realize she does have true feelings for this guy that she can’t easily have. Then with the Colton thrown into the mix it makes for an interesting drama. I guess the Sisterhood is another part I really like about Ali. This will definitely be a group everyone will want to read about because of all the situation’s they can get into. If the Sisterhood is even half as interesting as the Brat Pack from 72 hours then I think the fellow SOTF readers are in for a pleasant surprise once you get the group up and running. There really isn’t much I can say to improve upon, except I really enjoy reading about her relationship with Gregg and I would like to know more about her dad. Maybe more information on her relationship with her mother and father, because it seems like they are gone all the time. Other than that it would be interesting to read about one of these wild parties she goes to.

Posted by: Queen Asshat Aug 30 2006, 04:51 PM
VIVA LE JACK RUSSELL! Who still needs a critique.

Posted by: Megami Aug 31 2006, 01:29 AM
Jack Russell: Easily the worst character in Survival of the Fittest. He fails at life. You should just stop roleplaying altogether, because you're an insult to this website. Just kidding! tongue.gif I'll get around to posting a critique to Jack shortly... when the shiny things become less distracting. wink.gif

Posted by: Sephy Sep 1 2006, 08:52 PM
I used to have a teacher at school named Jack Russel...needless to say there were dog jokes aplently /random useless information tongue.gif

ETA: and a couple of people commented on my characters in the initial impressions thread, but if anyone *cough*Megumi or anyone else who uses prettiful colours*cough* wants to rip them to shreds..c'mon Sasoru's a borderline Sue and we all know it wink.gif

Posted by: Nealosi Oct 4 2006, 07:18 PM
Could I get a critque on my two characters please? Be gentle with them, they're mere fledglings after all.

(More likely be gentle with me. I'm fragile tongue.gif)

Posted by: Endless_Helix Oct 6 2006, 11:54 PM
Nealosi, I read through your characters and Fraco Sebberts is the man. He's got immediate natural enemies and allies, plus he's got pots of money back home and nothing in the game... Everything to nothing in one fell swoop. However, he does fit one of the major archetypes on the boards right now, the pampered brat. This isn't a huge problem, just try to differentiate him a bit more. You've done a good job so far, but develop him more... You've got the weak heart thing going on but give him a bit more in the connections department... The who's who of the school per se... Plus the opening line is perfect. "A silver spoon clenched tightly in his teeth..."

Jackie Kovacs is kinda bland... While he's definately no where near unusable and has an immense ammount of potential, he just needs more relationships, like with his parents, old friends from Montreal, etc. etc. You've hinted at something with the dad, and I suspect that it will be a big plot revelation, but Mr Kovacs is just kind of nebulous right now... He needs some personality... Yeah, you've got the "girl-o-phobia" going on, but He feels kind of undeveloped. He's more of a wild card due to lack of information than lack of stability.


Oh yeah, if anyone has the time to look at my guy, he's right http://z10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheFittest/index.php?showtopic=1307 I'm not fragile, so feel free to use the sledge hammer! It's right here! *hefts sledge hammer*

Posted by: Slayer Jul 16 2007, 02:53 AM
You suck! Kidding.

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