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Title: Everyone's a Critic
Description: buh-duh, chh!


Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 04:47 AM (GMT)
Didn't think it'd be a bad idea to give character critiques their own thread. So, if anyone would like some constructive criticism (sans flaming and other shit) please just say the word. I and I'm sure several other unbiased amateur critics will give you some feedback. Feel free to throw in your two cents. Oh, and I'll critique each request so that nobody gets left hanging. That's just the kind of philanthropist I am. A broke one. Fuckin' eh.

Xaldien - July 18, 2006 04:49 AM (GMT)
Alright, well, I guess I'll ask for a critique on my character thus far.

Slayer - July 18, 2006 04:50 AM (GMT)
Erm...isn't this just a palette swap of "Initial Impressions"? I mean, palette swaps are okay in fighting games (look at Sub-Zero and Scorpion, pretty cool characters even though they started out as the same guy wearing different colors), but topics...not so much I'd think.

Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 04:57 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Slayer @ Jul 18 2006, 04:50 AM)
Erm...isn't this just a palette swap of "Initial Impressions"? I mean, palette swaps are okay in fighting games (look at Sub-Zero and Scorpion, pretty cool characters even though they started out as the same guy wearing different colors), but topics...not so much I'd think.

Yes. Yes it is. But remember, Scorpion's spear attack is useless when pitted simultaneously against Sub-Zero's ice attack. Sure, it hits. But then scorpion is still frozen and vulnerable to attack. Therefore, this thread is vastly superior and way cheaper. So there.

d0ddi0slave - July 18, 2006 04:59 AM (GMT)
GET OVER HERE!

Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

It's different ENOUGH, if we save it for simply character critiques. And initial impressions for...well, impressions of situations and whatnot. Relationships. Etc.

:P

Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 05:01 AM (GMT)
Don't get me wrong though, Scorpion is wayyy more of a badass than Subzero...uh, anyway...

d0ddi0slave - July 18, 2006 05:05 AM (GMT)
*ahem* On topic now, or I will actually close the thread. Or just move it and rename it to 'Mortal Kombat Discussion' or something.

Anyways, I could use a critique of my newer characters. Well, my v2 ones, anyways. I haven't really paid them much heed.

I think I've got...

Andrew Panturescu*
Adam Amato
Alexander Ovechkin
Burton Harris
Sarah Dao*

Can't remember if I've done any more. Asterisked ones haven't debuted yet.


Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 05:28 AM (GMT)
Hoo boy...better get to work...it'll be a little while boyos. So, just to clarify, I'll be critiqueing (that word never gets any easier to say):

Andi Ayala
Adam Amato
Alexander Ovechkin
Burton Harris

laZardo, you're welcome to do the same, seeing as you have an AS. Whatever the hell that is. :huh:

laZardo - July 18, 2006 05:55 AM (GMT)
AS is a mental condition that for some odd reason makes my critiques seem really scathing, if they don't inflict blunt force trauma first. :)

Dodd already got my Pants critique so I'll post the other two here for reference.

Andi Ayala: I'd like to know exactly how he came to 'swing that way,' if you know what I mean. Was it something that happened during that fateful summer? Oh, and it's "walked out of his life" at age 3. I also see some clarification needed in that he is loyal and at the same time resentful toward his friends.

Debrah Dollop: Twins played by different users is innovative, to say the least. So, lemme get this straight. She's the bad kid, blaming everything on her sister and at the same time, she wants to be close to her? I'm thinking this is so she doesn't want to lose her scapegoat now that karma is finally biting back.

More to come...

...plus one now.

Alexander Ovechkin: Very thorough biography which successfully blends a number of archetypes, though unsurprisingly continuing in what appears to be Dodd's hockey tradition. I don't know if there are American (media) spies watching him as he sits outside. Someone be sure to tell him that the book is better than the movies.

Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 06:02 AM (GMT)
Well I have ADD so that means that my critiques won't be done until tomorrow because I've become distracted by this drawing of Bryan for the picture thread.

ZigZaggerty - July 18, 2006 01:21 PM (GMT)
Ooh! Now critique John! Pretty Please?

laZardo - July 18, 2006 02:20 PM (GMT)
And I doth quote:

QUOTE (ZigZaggerty @ John Matthews bio)
((This isn't the full bio, it's stuck on a broken computer and will be up soon.))


Is said computer fixed yet? What I'm reading now sounds like a pretty, ordinary (comma intended!) person. I'm guessing he's the all-around-good-guy archetype. Saying stereotype gives it a negative connotation. :lol:

Megami - July 18, 2006 08:53 PM (GMT)
Ah, what the hell...

Burton Harris: Another Adam Dodd masterpiece, right there. Burton reminds me so much of either a stoner or a hippy, I can't quite decide which. He's extremely amusing and is (was) doing an excellent job of serving as a sort of comic relief for all the drama and suspense building up in Hobbsborough. His announcement of Kim's death was absolutely priceless... and it almost took attention away from the fact that there was a corpse in the bathroom, just because of the way it was introduced. He's an awesome character, and I'm curious as to how he'll fare in the game.

Andi Ayala: Let me just say, I liked the last post you did at Hobbsborough. It gave us some insight into Andi as a person, and gave us some insight into his relationship at home, which is always a plus. I've noticed that your style of roleplaying is very dialogue-oriented (meaning that the post centers around words rather than actions), so my advice to you is that if you're going to focus on dialogue, be sure to branch out into thoughts as well, otherwise the character runs the risk of being two-dimensional because he only acts through his words. So far, I think you're doing a good job with the character and I like how you're starting to flesh him out a bit.

John Matthews: John's just about as stereotypical "regular kid" as you can get, and that's SO not a bad thing. It proves that you don't have to have an elaborate character with a tragic and heart-wrenching past to make an impact. John's just a typical kid trying to get by from day to day, and I commend you for being able to roleplay that sort of character, because it's a lot harder than it sounds. People tend to want to overexaggerate their characters to make them special and make them stand out from the crowd, and you don't feel the need to do that, which I commend. His last post was intriguing, though I was waiting on him to go green and "hulk out" when he started having his little... seizure thing. I hope you elaborate more on that and continue to flesh out the character.

By the way, if ya'll want to tear into mine, feel free. I love criticism, be it positive or negative. Makes me want to improve the characters. ^.^

Xaldien - July 18, 2006 09:31 PM (GMT)
So, I made the secondary character, Kristey Burrowell.
But, as of yet, I don't really like what I have, so any comments, negative or positive, about her could help me get her character more fleshed out.

Cycokiller - July 18, 2006 10:16 PM (GMT)
Someone please give mine a review as well. All three are done, so they're fair game to criticism and personal editing. Ok here are the first few official Cycoreviews.

Andi Ayala: I guess it's kind of a biased review since I've RPd with him and have a friendship starting with him. Regardless, Andi's an interesting character that develops in several directions as you read through his profile. It starts in one direction with the childhood trauma and abuse and then goes in another with his becoming popular, then in another with his sexuality, then responsibility towards his dad, etc. What makes it such a good profile is that it takes you in several directions instead of say, focusing on his abandonment issues the whole way through. Good show, old bean.

Adam Amato: Correct me if I'm wrong but I detect a means of carrying a piece of Adam Dodd into the next SOTF. Although Adam A is different enough that he becomes a...how should I put this...kinda like some of the fighters in Tekken 3 carrying the torch of their Tekken 2 predecessors. For example, Baek -> Hwoarang or Bruce -> Bryan. But it works. If it was done improperly you'd end up with Marshall Law -> Forest Law or Michelle Chang -> Julia Chang. Stop me if I've lost you. Anyway, I haven't seen another character like this yet, being a reincarnation of sorts, so it's still a fresh idea. I like it. Especially the fact that he's seen Lipson's death and still might see Dodd's, depending on the outcome.

Alexander Ovechkin: Ahh, a celebrity, eh? He'll have quite a big fanbase when SOTF starts. While it is perfectly plausible and an original idea, I dunno if he'll have quite as interesting a reaction as some of the younger, less life-experienced (not a word, I know) players. He certainly stands out as a character, that's for sure. And I haven't seen anyone who's familiar with being hounded by the media yet, so it's an interesting angle.

Burton Harris: I dub thee, Cucumber Boy. There have been a few of these types of calm, collected characters so far, but none that are (and I quote) 'permafried'. This adds an interesting little twist to the stereotypical character, and removes him from being just another run-of-the-mill cool character. The physical description was thorough and even enjoyable, as it clearly illustrates the character and you get an image you can relate to the story as you're reading.

Next in line are John Matthews, Whitney Acosta, Ricky Callahan, Tanesha Lexx, Maggie Heartgreeder, Eric Silvstedt, Ali Grayston, Damien Carter-Madison, Marvin Hendrick, and Reneé Valenti. Same bat-time, same bbbbat-channel!

laZardo - July 19, 2006 01:56 AM (GMT)
Kristie, Kristie, Dear Kristie. What can I say about her?

The fact that she's Andi's half-sister is definitely a new twist on the relation side of things. While the biography is short it feels disturbingly efficient. Speaking of which, however, the article fails to mention her being (and how she got to be so) self-sufficient. I'd also like to know how students have often reacted to her narcissistic behavior; do they continue to try to befriend her or do they leave her alone? The biography seems to make her narcissism absolute (which is a rarity indeed); how does factor into her assumptions about Andi?

On a side note, I've already lined up Damien, Renee and Marvin up for execution/critique. :) What're y'all waiting for? My birthday? :P

Xaldien - July 19, 2006 02:13 AM (GMT)
I thought about what you said, and added in a few things to try and fit with what you wrote down about Kristey. Grazie ^_^

d0ddi0slave - July 19, 2006 03:15 AM (GMT)
Honestly though, don't worry too much about the biographies for now. We'll get real strict on them come V2. :P


Slayer - July 19, 2006 03:20 AM (GMT)
That's a good idea. Though their profiles are largely incomplete (note how I said in both of their profiles their biographies weren't done), I would like concrit on Alexander and Richard. Don't worry about being brutally honest; I'll take it well as long as nobody directly insults me. :P

Shula - July 19, 2006 04:22 AM (GMT)
Heh. I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my li'l emoboy, Adrian. (Http://s10.invisionfree.com/SurvivalOfTheF...?showtopic=1098) Is it too weird? It seems somehow weird to me, and I'm not sure why. Any feedback would be great--the good, the bad, the...uh...in between. =P

laZardo - July 19, 2006 05:30 AM (GMT)
A good chunk of Adrian's bio sounds eerily familiar, reminding me that yes, his doppelganger fits in the cliché. Still, might have been what happened to that certain someone if it weren't for a certain PTA mom. Anyhoo, so far there'll already be many characters in only a few molds, so it's no problem at all. :lol:

I find myself a fan of the exclamatory style of narrative you've used in the middle school part of the bio. I also like the way it explains his style transitions. Curious though as to exactly how having that one friend influenced his personality, if at all. And how have his transitions affected his relationships with the faculty?

On a side note, those girl's pants sound a bit...restricting on a male, even if he is skinny...

EDIT: P.S., your link in the body text doesn't work. The one in the sig does work, though.

Shula - July 19, 2006 06:45 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (laZardo @ Jul 19 2006, 01:30 AM)
A good chunk of Adrian's bio sounds eerily familiar, reminding me that yes, his doppelganger fits in the cliché. Still, might have been what happened to that certain someone if it weren't for a certain PTA mom. Anyhoo, so far there'll already be many characters in only a few molds, so it's no problem at all. :lol:

I find myself a fan of the exclamatory style of narrative you've used in the middle school part of the bio. I also like the way it explains his style transitions. Curious though as to exactly how having that one friend influenced his personality, if at all. And how have his transitions affected his relationships with the faculty?

On a side note, those girl's pants sound a bit...restricting on a male, even if he is skinny...

EDIT: P.S., your link in the body text doesn't work. The one in the sig does work, though.

First off, muchos gracias! anyway, going backwards...the link doesn't work? heh...I thought I used the same one for both...oops. I'll see if I can fix it (because I'm just weird like that)

As for the pants, well, I've seen it done. And the guy a bunch of us blackmailed into wearing them was much hippier than any skinny kid. I know that's not what you meant, but really, there's not much extra fabric in guy-pants there anyway. (I've gotten patterns for sewing both gender pants and really, the biggest difference in the rise...dunno why, just styles I guess.)

Heh, I probably should go more in depth with my emoboy and his buddy.

'gain, thanks for the feedback!

mitsuko2 - July 19, 2006 08:30 PM (GMT)
Could someone citice Tybalt and mariavel? Megami's already helped me alot with Miss varella, but I would like some more opinians

laZardo - July 20, 2006 03:37 AM (GMT)
Tybalt: I suppose this profile, bare as it is, could use a bit of updating given what's happened with him in the Gilroy RP threads. Prior to that he's been quite unlucky whom he's had a crush on, yes? You could try to flesh out his history and include his family, how has his orientation affected that. On a very nitpicking, technical note, I believe the two homerooms you could choose from in Gilroy were both Grade 9.

Mariavel: For a girl with bi-polar disorder, she sure has a lot of relationships, good and bad (her relationships with Richard and Erick could use a bit more description.) I'm a bit confused as to if hanging out with one member of the Bloody Fists is considered hanging out with the gang, since you say she hangs out with the populars. This leads to the need for a description as to how she ended up with the Bloody Fists in the first place.

Slayer - July 22, 2006 11:50 PM (GMT)
QUOTE (Slayer @ Jul 19 2006, 03:20 AM)
That's a good idea. Though their profiles are largely incomplete (note how I said in both of their profiles their biographies weren't done), I would like concrit on Alexander and Richard. Don't worry about being brutally honest; I'll take it well as long as nobody directly insults me. :P

Also, if anyone actually does, could they please also give some crincrit for Walter? Since he's more "complete" I think more could be done off of him.

Theseus - July 23, 2006 02:31 AM (GMT)
Oh I would like to get my two characters critiqued

Ian Rico and Sam Myron

Ian Rico being the one who would probably be easiest to critique because I have been RP'ing him more, thanks :D

Cycokiller - July 23, 2006 03:01 AM (GMT)
Hoo boy...I've got my work cut out for me. I'll get to it, I promise.

Aphrodite. - July 23, 2006 03:11 AM (GMT)
If someone has the time, could they possibly tell me what's good and what positively sucks about Lee-Ann's profile? I would greatly appreciate your efforts. You even get a digital cookie!

Xaldien - July 23, 2006 03:25 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Aphrodite. @ Jul 22 2006, 08:11 PM)
If someone has the time, could they possibly tell me what's good and what positively sucks about Lee-Ann's profile? I would greatly appreciate your efforts. You even get a digital cookie!

BTW, I love your icon, I use that same one as my livejournal icon.

I-eat-cute-animals - July 24, 2006 04:55 AM (GMT)
I'm ready to possibly get shot down, Pick any character except my support character I haven't had a chance to use since Syuji is stuck in school.

laZardo - July 24, 2006 06:48 AM (GMT)
*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. :lol: 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Walter Smith: That's one pretty spoiled bad-ass kid. Starting with the obvious, the biography would do well to be split into paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. But it's too late for that since I've already slogged through it. :lol: Anyway. You've got a really detailed history of this guy, down to some key moments, and you've created a nice complex web of relationships that suggests you've done this before. It'd be nice to see his rivalry with Bexley develop in v2 as - for some odd reason - the reactions of their parents when they find out their kids are in said SOTF.

Xaldien - July 24, 2006 02:13 PM (GMT)
So, I wanna know what people think so far of Kristey and the Andi.

I-eat-cute-animals - July 25, 2006 03:11 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (laZardo @ Jul 24 2006, 06:48 AM)
*throws darts at the list and comes up with...*

Tiffany Rugea: Does she have Asperger's? That would be new (and fun, seriously!), though maybe the sexy-nerd type isn't quite. Although the nerds are probably the only real (secure) men in Gilroy. :lol: 16 at Grade 11 doesn't seem like advanced. Since she's not going into V2 I'm not going to go into other technicalities regarding her grade. You could also elaborate on how other students treat her in Gilroy.

Does she have aspergers: Mid functioning, she can talk, she just doesn't like to, her preference is a peice of paper and a pen.

16 at grade 11: Where I live I was 14 at grade 9, plus I was on rush limbagh pain pills at the time.

Treatment at gilroy: Kind of invisible, some people think she's mentally retarded at a first glance.

Megami - July 25, 2006 03:15 AM (GMT)
I think he meant that 16 in grade 11 doesn't seem advanced because it's around the right age. I graduated at 17, not because I was advanced or skipped a grade, but because my birthday fell on August 18th and the deadline for that school year was September 1st. I graduated in May, which put me as being 17 at my time of graduation (and thusly 16 in grade 11, etc.) For someone who had skipped a grade or two, she should really be a bit younger. Then again, that's just me.

I-eat-cute-animals - July 25, 2006 03:24 AM (GMT)
Andi: Andi is an overall nice guy, has the rebel thing glowing in him but not to the extent where everything is like 'Fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck fucker, piss maggot, necrophiliac, dead babies, sodomy', instead he's the more mellow type of rebel, but not really what you'd call a hippy, The flashback Idea makes it easier to RP characters that are elsewhere, I sort of stole it because I wanted to RP Kojiro for a second with myself.
I'd kind of like to know more about his fathers problems, and maybe some mystery or interest in his mother to be shown more, but I don't wish for it to be overdone, other than that it's not overused drama, there are more single fathers out there than you probably think, and my step father died of cancer, although I'd like to know more about key characters in Andi's life(IE: His father would occaisionally think about his mother), I won't force it.

Xaldien - July 26, 2006 02:52 AM (GMT)
And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)

I-eat-cute-animals - July 26, 2006 05:13 AM (GMT)
QUOTE (Xaldien @ Jul 26 2006, 02:52 AM)
And what about Kristey?
(See: Cold Storage Shed where her heart should be)

Kristy: Shrewd bitch, whatever crawled up her ass and died should stay, fun lookin' character, Look forward to what may later be a catfight(No other way to describe it) if you're still up fore it.

Lien - July 28, 2006 10:19 PM (GMT)
Alright. I'm going to review the last 5 profiles, and see how it goes... don't kill me, I'm brutally honest and it may come off mean. I really don't mean it that way.

First off:

Phoenix- Besides the odd choice of name, and nearly no background history, we've automatically gone to the bad stuff before giving her any normal background. A way to go about fleshing her out can be some information on her household, or maybe why she chose paganism as a religion. The rape story is already commonly used in pregame, so if there was some kind of shock value that was supposed to be gathered from that fact, unfortunately it's to the point that "rape= ho-hum."

Siouxsie- Is this pronounced 'susie'? In the appearance department, I've got that she's pretty, and has long black hair. No description on her face or any other features. While pretty might be some help, this can vary to whoever's reading her posts. Another issue... the anorexia turned narcissism? Normally, it takes years of therapy or a pivotal moment for someone to recover from such a mental disorder. For them to do a whole 180 must be a story in itself, which, if the member is up for it, I would like to see be explained in her biography. It's not like you can't have a really interesting character, but at least give some reasoning or some sense to why they are the way they are.

Randy- As far as fake indian tribes go, by all means try it out. However, Aryan, if you weren't aware, is an idealistic human theory of a divine race (see: Hilter, Holocaust, all that bad shit). Really not the best name for a native american tribe. A real west coast tribe, if I remember, is the Kumeeyay. The bright blue eyes don't seem characteristic at all either, unless in some way one of his ancestors had them, or if he's only half. Like many other profiles, there could be more, but I figure I'll critique what it already has.

Walter Smith- Wow. Long. Very long, but there is one thing I would like to see more of: why? I've been a fan of the "he's crazy and sadistic just because he is" theory. You know I've even done it, but the good thing about a profile is that you could probably explain why he's become a completely sadistic villain. He seemed normal, then BAM! Was there a moment where it triggered this in him? That's what I would like to know.

Johnathon- From what I can tell, the character is a watcher with a frightened mother. And considering that he spends most of his time with her because of his homeschooling (you also never mention when or how the character ended up in homeroom) you've left quite a bit open to develop. We're probably not going to see your character roleplay with his mom, so you might want to give us some information concerning all that.

Meg asked me to review hers as well, so I'll get to those in another post.

Lien - July 29, 2006 01:37 AM (GMT)
Megami, as most of you already know, has been a part of SOTF for awhile, and her contributions to the site, as well as her drive to make this board better, have made her a well-liked and newly appointed staff member. Anyway, now that I've kissed ass, onto the character critiques!

Ali Grayston- Considering most, if not all, of Meg's character bios are lengthy and in-depth, it was no surprise staring at quite a bit of Ali's life from a well-rounded view. What you could have elaborated on is the relationship between the elitist girls. Essentially, you see a bunch of information on her father and mother, and how close Ali is to them and how they've spoiled her. What we get from the elitist girls is that she feels like they are her family. I personally think that anyone can be hanging out and partying and doing all that, but explaining how much she trusts these girls could give light on her personality, possibly reinforcing her stereotypical nature or (and this would be a kicker) giving Ali a softer side to what you have generally made sounding very spoiled, callous, and stuck up.

Maggie Heartgreeder- One thing that seems to disrupt the flow in the piece is the mention to submitting poetry under an anonymous name. While I understand this is to show her reserved nature, it doesn't connect enough to really contribute much else to the biography. I mean, it makes me wonder if she's any good, or if she thinks that her work isn't good enough... too loose to be just left without explanation.

Tanesha Lexx- We've got that she's boy-crazy and depressed, and generally isn't well-liked, but how is she around her friends? What do the people who stuck by her think of her, and how does she act around them? Of course... I have an idea, but it's not explicitly stated.

Whitney Acosta- Modeling is in her activities, but between running, cheerleading, and a social life, it's hard to see her able to do that as well. Most people her age need a parent to come along, and it seems that her guardians are too busy with careers to put effort into hers.

LadyMakaze - July 29, 2006 01:42 AM (GMT)
Well why not? I'll through in my characters for critique, now that I have time to improve a bit before the real games finally begin.

Here's my array of characters pretty much, in no particular order

An Linh Tuan

Matthias Kovalenko

Jodeen Kovalenko

Cathalie Meguro

Mitch Gunther

Kim Jones-Larame

Carmen Somerset

Feel free to critique one or all or few or none at all :D I offer free cookie! (except for the none option, naturally.)




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