I'll start us off...

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

You’re never too old to enjoy chocolate.
It’s safe to have chocolate while you’re driving.
You never feel guilty after chocolate.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
With chocolate – satisfaction’s guaranteed.

REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN

No one’s ever been jilted by a chocolate gateau.
After telling your chocolate bar all your worries you can simply eat it.
You can share chocolates with your best friend.
A bar of chocolate doesn’t bore you by constantly talking about football.
Your mother will never disapprove of your choice of chocolate.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalk board. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What’s so funny Michael?"

"Well teacher I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom, "she yells, "I don't want to see you for two days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard again.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student, she quickly turns and asks,

"What’s so funny Tommy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for two weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns round to see little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school year is over!!!"

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Those are fantastic!! I only saw this thred after I had posted my joke on it's own lonely thread!! :doh:

I just read that... about living in 2006.. hilarious!!! :hysterical:

I just copied it & posted it on about 3 other forums!!! :yahoo:

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry , Ireland October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call. :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

OMG that is so good!! I'm gong to share that around now!!

This one is cute... :D

A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said,"you've been a good cat all of these years, anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and said "all my life I have slept on hard wooden floors... I would really like a fluffy pillow to sleep on"...

God said "say no more." & instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 6 mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven. God met them at the gates and made them the same offer He had made the cat...
the mice said "we have had to run all our lives from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could have some little roller skates we would never have to run again!" God answered "it is done." & all the mice had beautifull roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... he found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened her and asked "is everything ok?are you happy?"

The cat replied "oohhhh! it is wonderful! I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

:hysterical: :hysterical: Brilliant!!

NEWS FLASH...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks...

... They charged one and let the other one off. :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up...

... he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again...' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said
'I careered off the road.' :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

:hysterical: Bloody hell Anita - you only joined 2 days ago & you've got over 150 posts already!!!!

I can't help myself.. this place is so great!!! :D

An Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are builders working on a site. At 12:00 they stop for lunch.

The Scotsman brings out his sandwiches and says: "Jam again? Why does my wife always give me jam? I can't stand it."
The Englishman looks at his sandwiches and says: I've got jam too and hate it.
The Irishman looks at his and says: "I've got it as well, and I hate it!"

The next day the three men look at their sandwiches. They all have jam. The Scotsman says: "Jam again. If I have jam once more I'm going to jump."
The Englishman says: "I'm with you, if it's jam tomorrow I jump too."
The Irishman says: "I agree, I'm so sick of jam. I'm jumping as well."

The next day, all three men have jam. True to their word, they all jump.

At the funeral the three wives are talking to each other. The Scotman's wife says: "I didn't know he hated jam so much. I wouldn't have given it to him if he'd told me."
"Neither did I," said the Englishman's wife. "If I'd known I wouldn't have given it to him either."
"I can't understand it," said the Irishman's wife, "he made his own sandwiches."

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

:hysterical: Glad you like it! I love it here too!! What other boards do you go on? If that's not me being too nosey?! I couldn't believe it when I posted after I got in last night (so late!!) & then you replied!!! :hysterical:

I am a bit of a night-owl, so I am usually up all hours... I used to work night-shift all the time & I don't think my body-clock has registered that I have stopped yet!!! :doh:

I go on Jamie Cullums forum 'Pointless Nostalgic' a lot.. my username on there is Funtin' & I have just reached my 20,000 post mark!!! :swoon:

I have seen Jamie in concert 3 times & met him 3 times. My son Luke went on stage with him in Glasgow & played the drums!!! :D

If you go to my MySpace page (link in my signature) & scroll to the bottom, you can see a little video of Luke on-stage with Jamie & playing the drums... he is my little Jon-in-training!!! :rimshot:

I am flying to Copenhagen to see Jamie again in July at Tivoli Gardens. :D


Right... :D

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's American football season?




:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

This one is a bit rude, but hilarious...

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my testic1es."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied. "Vietnam...." :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP

1. It is important to find a man who is good at home; who cooks all the time; who looks after the children; who cleans up and who also holds down a well paid job.

2. It is important to find a man who can make you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It is vital that these four men don't know each other. :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

A little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

That's so true! :hysterical: Except for the REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN MEN. It's not better than my man. :bigwink: :hysterical:

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a short 2-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the most UNromantic second line:

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. :hysterical:

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!" :hysterical:

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. :hysterical:

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." :hysterical:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. :hysterical:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." :hysterical:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" :hysterical:

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." says the Doc.
"Is it common?"
Doc says, "It's Not Unusual." :hysterical:

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. :hysterical:

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. :hysterical:

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. :hysterical:

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. :hysterical:

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" :hysterical:

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favours"

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner... "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked,

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels fantastic, but my thumb still hurts like hell." :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

============

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was " You look just like a man! " My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.


So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not going to be a problem.

:hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Bird flu hits trailer park in Florida. :hysterical:

:hysterical:

:hysterical: :hysterical: very funny.



:naughty: new sig Anita very nice :ok:

Thanks... I know the background is similar, but smaller than Angel's banner she has... I hope she doesn't mind it being nearly the same! :doh:

Need some more jokes peeps - somebody make me laugh................please??

A teacher asked her pupils to tell a story with a moral in it...

Little Kate said; "I went shopping with mum and was carrying the eggs when I dropped them. The moral is, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'."

Little Sam said; "We kept chickens and they laid 10 eggs, but only six hatched. The moral is,'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'".

Little Wendy said; "My Aunt Jane was in the Gulf War when her plane was hit and she had to bale out with just a bottle of whiskey and a machine gun. She drank the whiskey on the way down and landed in enemy territory. Confronted by 100 enemy soldiers, she shot 70 of them before throttling the rest with her bare hands."

The teacher said; "Er, and the moral of the story is?"

Wendy said; "Keep away from Aunt Jane when she's been drinking." :hysterical:

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot.

One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave her 'very own' hard hat and gloves.

At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.

The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact that she had a 'pay packet'.

"You must have worked very hard to earn all this." said the bank cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so, provided those w***ers at Jewson deliver the f**king bricks!" :swoon: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

A group of monks went to the local convent to play darts with the nuns.

The first monk threw his first dart & hit double top...

He threw his second dart & hit double top again...

When he threw his third dart, it hit the rim & bounced off the board & hit Mother Superior right between the eyes ! She fell down dead on the floor !

The scorer shouted out--

" That's one nun dead & EIGHTY !!!!!!! :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

:thankyousign: I particularly like the Aunt Jane one!

This one made me laugh for ages...

Bank Robbery

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car...

and waited...

and waited...

and waited...

and waited.

After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"

The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!" :swoon: :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

OMG that one nearly made me cover my monitor with the contents of my mouth!! :hysterical:

Did you hear about the bloke with two left feet?

He walked into a shoe shop and bought a pair of flip-flips :hysterical:

What do you call a row of rabbits all hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line :hysterical:

What did one saggy boob said to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts." :hysterical:

This one is making me laugh much harder than is normal. :hysterical: :hysterical: :hysterical:

Whereas I read it wrong the first time & thought 'is there something funny about flip flops that I don't know about!!' :doh: