Breakdown

[Killian]

Removed

[Gayla]

Well, at first I hated him - until she started carving on herself. In the end, I guess they deserved each other. She should have left the lout. Oh wait...they aren't real. Nicely developed dysfunctional couple. Fully envisioned with lots of emotion. I enjoyed reading it.

[Marva]

I'm going to try to do this with all bells and whistles.

like a dear: deer

title: Good title, but something that would hint of the coming castration without just shouting it out.

beginning: Good start. I'm not with the idea that a story can't start with dialog. Matter of fact, I like it.

characters: Well-rounded. We have a pretty clear picture of both of them in the first few lines.

plot: Okay, considering this is not highly original.

pace: Good pace. This moves right along without any big paragraphs diverting the reader's attention.

originality: Not very.

language: Very good, smooth writing.

dialogue: Very natural and believable.

ending: Satisfying, yet expected ending.

presentation: Pretty good, very few errors.

overall: Readable, but not very original, horror. I liked the specific use of the tranquilizers--gives it verisimilitude. However, referencing the animals "nastiness" seems out of character for someone who wants to be a vet tech. It's more intractable or even dangerous.

Rating: Between 6 and 7 because I think you could tinker the plot into something a little more original.

[Killian]

Thanks to both of you for your input.


Marva, I fixed the "deer".

Just so you know, I asked a vet about the castration and she used the word "nastiness".

Also, are you trying to say this isn't original? LOL

[Bren]

The writing here was good, as was the dialogue and pace. Lloyd was genuinely obnoxious, although his come-uppance was a bit rough to say the least. I guess that's just the bloke in me saying that ;)

I think this was tinged with a strange humour too though. I think I missed some of this type of humour in your other recent story, about the dead wife. The line 'Ah, sweet relief' is almost absurd, considering what she was doing, at least to this reader. Reminds me of some of those quirky old horror films.

Entertaining and quick read.

Bren.

[Killian]

Bren:

Thanks for the critique. I’m glad you thought that it was “entertaining”.

I would like to say this: I’m really into abnormal psychology. I’ve studied it in college, and had the opportunity to work with numerous case studies.

When you read about things my disturbed characters say, or what they feel, most of that is derived from actual DSM-IV-TR criteria—and actual case studies of certain disorders.

Therefore, I don’t want you to think that I don’t do my homework, because I do. This is why most of my stories contain a least on character that is disturbed.

So, when she says, "Ah, sweet relief." This is the feeling of individuals with this disorder.

[Marva]

Not original only in the sense of:
-Man is horrible to woman
-Woman takes it because has no self-worth
-Woman snaps and kills/harms/leaves man

I believe I read another story recently on EotW which had an abusive man having is heart torn out by a crazy abused woman. Some of the reviewers suggested that castration would have been a better punishment.

So, yes. I've recently seen pretty much the same story.

The key is how well it's told and what you bring to the story that is original. You did that, but nobody will say "oh, I was so surprised by the end."

Sorry, but it just didn't feel that original to me.

And, my vet would never refer to it that way, so that's just coming from my experience.

[Bren]

Killian

The reason why I commented on that particular line, was because it read (to me) like it was almost a happy, carefree thing to say. I'm aware of the psychology behind self-harm - these people need the release that the pain affords them. It wasn't the sentiment that struck me as odd, it was the vocalisation in that particular instance. To say that to oneself just seemed really weird to me, don't know why. I guess I'd imagine most folk wouldn't vocalise their thoughts when self-harming. Could be wrong.

Perhaps I used the wrong word with 'absurd' (I have a tendency towards poor word choice), but it did strike me as I read it. But these things are about opinion, and I could well be a minority of one.

Bren

[Tomper]

Just the thought of casteration will take the nastiness out of me! I agree with Marva, this sounds vaguely familiar, I read something similiar not too long ago. I can't remember where.

Thanks for the read Killian, I loved the line about Penile peralyisis! LOL

[bharatshekhar]

Ya it does have a touch of Roald Dahl. But I think it is very well written. God. From self mutilation to mutilation. What a horror for any man. I cringe at thevery thought.

[Patlyn]

Hmmmmm....Abnormal Psychology....one of my favorite subjects, but only where Manic Depressive Psychosis is concerned. Because that, I have personal experience with. (Though I do not posess that sickness) I did touch on other areas of Abnormal Psychology when reading for reports at college.

I guess you know that these people function very well when they are handling the condtion to the best of their ability. Freddy Prinz, Jane Pauley, Dick Cavette, Marian Hartley, Tony Orlando, Patty Duke, of TV Fame were, and are, Manic Depressives (Bi-Polar) (Stop Pat!)

I really liked your story alot. I dislike As..h..les and they get what they deserve, but do not deserve death. But, that may teach him not to mess with a very sick woman. As for Horror, it's not my cup of tea, but I usually read Killian's because I like his writing (For others reading this.) So all in all, I give him an -8-.
Good job Killian!
Pat

[Little Jazz Bird]

Personally...I'd elminate the following:

Lloyd succumbed to the drugs.

***
"Yeah, I castrated ya.

Both are obvious without saying so. I prefer to realize (or even wonder) the horror on my own.

Killian...if you have not read, you might be interested in two by Jeff Lindsay:
Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter

I have both, but have not worked up the courage to read the second one, yet. The novels are a mix of mystery/crime and most emphatically...macabre.