Sentence Structure, Writing in active voice

OK

So my new thing it to write only active sentences and frankly, it is damn hard but the results I think are worth it since you can get rid of a lot of passive verbs etc. and they are amazingly descripitve. Anyway, I have two sentences below that are wordy, but I think work. (Read Melville or Fitzgerald for example)


While standing upright from her hunched position, beads of perspiration dripping from her forehead into her cleavage and basket of fresh black berries, she gulped the hot thick air, instantly frightened, her panties dripping from beneath her loose summer dress, soaked with more than just sweat. The sounds of chanting locusts accompanying her, she ran, panicking, through the blackberry brambles, her ankles bleeding, snared by the thorny plants.


(yes, her water broke)

But tell me, how does this work overall? Punctuation?

Dan

All works...but pondering (yes her water broke).

Later...
Nikki - comma-tose :blink:

the (yes her water broke) is not part of the narrative, just an FYI for those taking a look at this thread

Thanks for the input!

Dan

The "While" doesn't seem necessary. "upright" seems redundant. "instantly" doesn't seem to be quite the right adverb (migosh, an adverb!). "from beneath" seems redundant. "Summer" dress isn't necessary. It's just that the dress is loose. If she's in the blackberry patch, I think the reader can assume that's what's in her basket.

Rising from her hunched position, forehead beaded with sweat that dripped into her cleavage and the basket she carried, she gulped the thick hot air. Her panties dripped something other than sweat beneath her loose dress. The locusts' burr accompanied her panicked run through the thorned blackberries that snared her bleeding ankles.

I don't like to repeat the sweat, but I think the comparison needs to be made that something else was going on.

Oh, by the way. Water breaking does not evoke this reaction. Trust me. It's more like: "oh, shit." Running is not an option if you don't want to fall on your face.

I love that you write such descriptive stuff. Keep it up! Thanks for the exercise.

Wow Marva

You sure caugt a lot of redundancy! Funny how you read something 50 times just to find out these little things.

Anyway, I appreciate it.

Also, regarding the water, the girl is fifteen in this story (yes, it is a sorrid little tale) so I am going to make this a frightening and horrible experience. (and it is taking me forever to write this one scene, I have a headache from it)

good luck with it!

are you going to post it here? (I dont know the new rules and regulations)



___--___--___--___
:ph43r: NINJA!! :P

Eventually Swimfishyswim

This one is killing me, the most challenging piece I've attempted. It probably will not be ready till the end of the month.

Dan

Hey Dan:

I'm always better at shorter than longer.

I'll stress though, if she tried to run, she'd fall flat on her face. You just can't do it when you're up to water-breaking stage. I know, I tried, I fell. Ouch.

Oh Crap

I didn't think of that.....well how fast can she go and move quickly? Or maybe I should say she tried to run while the brambles cut her ankles...

Well, she is slowed down considerably by the brambles. Maybe a different verb than ran. Waddled is generally good for pregnant women. :P

Just a thought Ddittmar:

There are times when the passive voice works better than the active voice. It's determined by the circumstance and the effect the writer is going for.

This is particularly true when it comes to fiction.

If you read any Stephen King novel, you'll see that he can do this splendidly.

Thanks all,

Always an interesting discussion

I have noted that an entire paragraph may be in past tense, yet not be passive in structure. I have also noted that by using just a few active verbs in a paragraph, the entire paragraph become active even if the passive verbs outway the active verbs in that paragraph.

Just something to consider

I have been reading many classic shorts lately and see plenty of passive verb usage, but in many cases, active verbs are spread thoughout to bring the scene to life.

Writing in active voice is a good excersize in any case, too many newer writers would write:

She had told him that his ass had stunk.

vs

She told him that his ass stunk.

Both are past tense, one is active, one is passive