i don't think i'll add to this unless i get really bored. as it was this is a product of boredom. please exuse the half hearted quality. boredom does that to people.


Azariah Mortis, high priest of Morr, moved through the ranks of soldiers, giving unto them the benedictions of the watcher god.
“Our fate is not to die here friends, it is to live, and to repulse those enemies who wish to defile this sacred place and we must defend the gathering place, present a powerful bulwark, and cast them from this land, if we die, we go to our god, who will protect us in death” he said. Azariah could see no fear in their eyes, and he was proud, for these were the scythes of Morr, chosen warriors who were wielding great, two handed scythes adorned with the black roses of the gardens, in respect to their patron.

“So stand, fight, die, but know that your spirit travels to the one great watcher of the afterlife, fight like sons of Morr!” he yelled, driving the hearts of his men to a religious zeal that none could match, and he knew his brothers were conducting the same speech on opposite sides of the fortress. Hefting his weapon, Azariah stepped to the front rank of the bulwark, where crossbowmen awaited the order to loose.
The enemy had been prolonging their attack, seemingly testing the defenders, which was not unlike them. The beastmen of the forest always had a plan, but it would not work this time.

It had been five minutes since Azariah had given his words, and now the beasts were making their move. The crossbowmen, receiving no order, trained their sights on the incoming wave of beastmen, most of whom carried brutish looking cleavers, but some of whom were carrying shoddy looking siege ladders. In one swift movement of the lips, Azariah spoke his command as the beastmen entered range.
“Unleash the abyss, brave crossbowmen, and Morr will guide your aim.” Azariah’s tone was harsh, but it had an air of command that had never faltered. “If the beasts reach the walls with the ladders, withdraw, and let the scythes of Morr meet the death gods will out upon them.” The soldiers reply was, crisp, clean, and betrayed no fear.
“In Morr’s name!”
Then they fell.


--

PART TWO


Half of the beastmen attacking Azariah’s wall had been killed by the crossbowmen, but it had not been enough. After only two volleys, the crossbowmen had retreated, and the scythes of Morr had stepped to the fore. Blades gleaming, they met the first beastmen.

Azariah rushed to the left, towards the flag of the castle, which was being held high by a scythe, his weapon discarded in favour of his shortsword. Swinging his weapon in a deadly arc, Azariah cleft a beastmen clambering from one of the siege ladders in two, shortly before pushing the ladder, and its current riders to their doom below.

Suddenly all was silent, and hefting his weapon, Azariah let six words escape his mouth.
“Crossbowmen to the front, champions report.” His breath was ragged and came in rasps, but the orders were clear and loud. Reaching for his flask, he ripped the cap from its holding and gulped down a long drought of thick amber fluid, which burned through his veins and reinvigorated his frame. Clipping the capped flask to his black leather belt, Azariah pushed back his cowl, his long black hair flowing out onto his robe. When he had raised his head, he was surprised to see two ash beaten faces staring at him, their eyes black as coal.

“Report champions.” He said. His tone making the two figures take a step back from the priest. They were both clag in gleaming plate, over which flowed black silk robes embroidered with silver scythes down the length, as befitting champions of the protector God.

“Lord, our warriors have secured the wall. We have suffered a total four casualties and one instance of wounding. We are letting the men rest, but only using the silent vigil technique. We have sent a messenger to the other embattled walls, informing them our section is clear for now and that we are ready to provide assistance.” Said the left champion, his voice crisp and clear in the miasma of post battle activities.

“Good, send the wounded to the infirmary and the dead to the chamber of the fallen, I shall be there shortly to perform funeral rights. If any of my brothers require aid, send the minimum amount of men; I don’t want our wall missing its defenders. I will continue my vigil after the funeral rights and I am allowing control to fall to you Asmodai, guard the wall well, and lift the spirits of the men, I will not tarry in my act and will be back shortly, and I will then re-assume control, do you understand?” came Azariah’s reply.
“Yes my priest, your order will be carried out to the letter.” Said the champions in unison.
It was now a waiting game.


PART 3

The chamber of the fallen was silent, for only funeral rights were allowed to be uttered in its blessed halls, so that the dead would rest in complete silence before burial. Azariah’s black hair contrasted against the white robe he had donned to conduct the rights of passage. It streamed through his cowl and upon his breast, and brushed against his face but he pulled it back, as it obstructed his view. Before him lay the corpse’s of the four men who had died on his wall In the first wave, arms crossed on their breast, two gold coins from their purse their payment to Morr for protection, their service gave them right to burial.

In the solemn silence of the Spartan chamber, Azariah gave call to their spirits to ease the passage. “Friends, brothers in arms, I lay you to rest in peace with Morr ever guarding you, his hands staying your spirit from enslavement to the dark ones, may he curse their names. Know now that you go to the halls of Morr, where your fathers and their fathers and so on back through your lines rest, oh servants of Morr here my call and fly unto his care.” Azariah's tone belied his feelings, he spoke as if these men had been as any other, but they had been under his command, and he was responsible for their spirit passage, and for that he was sad, but he could not show it openly in the temple, so he hid his feelings away in his heart. Slowly he motioned for the eight attendants to bear the corpses and follow him into the courtyard.

It was a beautiful morning, birds singing, breeze swaying rose bushes so softly that only the dew flew off their black petals, but Azariah paid no heed to his surroundings, for tombstones lined the courtyard until the rows finally ended and a great expanse of empty field flew out towards the western wall, where his brother, Mikasi commanded the defenders. Here were the guardians and priests of the great temple fortress laid to rest beneath the sky, their tombstones weather-beaten and old, but still well tended. Inscribed upon each was the name of the occupant of the soil beneath it, and his years.

Looking up from the expanse of gravestones, Azariah saw that four newly hewn holes had been made, the earth once their one occupant beside them in neat piles. Such was the way with the gardens and their keepers, and such is the way it would always be.

“Stop.” Said Azariah, and abruptly the procession of carriers behind him did as they were told. Azariah then knelt and picked four roses from a bushel beside him, then rose and walked back beside each body, carefully placing each beneath their hands.

“Now you may go to Morr, my friends, I bid thee well in thy rest.” He said, and then motioned for the carriers to continue, before walking back to the monastery and donning his black robe and cowl. As he exited the building, a servant ran to him and presented him his scythe.

“Adorned with fresh roses I see, good work, servant of Morr, may you be gifted with the foresight when a brother is in need once more, now I am off, back to my post, good day.” He said. Then he walked, towards the black stone of the eastern wall, to his command, never uttering a single sound. All was quiet except for the humming birds in the wind, for such was the peace gifted to those buried in the courtyard of Morr.

This is what you do when you're bored?! :blink: Wow. Now I want to see work you've put time into.

Some notes:

Comma splices and run-on sentences are your bane. The opening paragraph just keeps going and going and going and... you get the idea. Keep it short; keep it simple. Periods and semi-colons are your friends.

I get that the Scythes of Morr (great choice of deity; a refreshing break from Sigmar this, Ulric that) are defending something significant, but... what? Describe the garden to me. There's a wall, a bulwark of some sort, a flag... nothing concrete. Give us some environment!

The atmosphere, on the other hand, is great. The whole "beastman raid" vibe is unambiguous and the writing tone carries it beautifully.

Nice change of pace for the ending. Descriptions in the finale are far clearer and set a more vibrant stage.

1. yes, bored. really bored. and bored at 11-midnight and beyond (time to spare), where i tend to listen to the hellsing OST...very morr-y, i may add, i'll link it if you so wish.

2. like the energizer bunny, i know. they allways have been, and probably will, if someone doesn't beat it out of me.

3. will do...as saud, written when bored... if you see my meaning in that.

4. why thank you.

5. why thank you, i think so too.

6. you should wait until i compile what i write when i have time to spare in school. then you'll see the boredom of a writer completely.

Oh, so it's a boredom-off, is it? ;) Well then...

...let us dance

*dances a mighty tango*

that means let us fight, but if you don't want to challenge me......

Wait, so we're not having a boredom-off? :huh: If that was indeed a challenge (which is definitely accepted B)), I thought my link-post above would suffice as my reponse.

Or did you mean a duel in the Dueling Ring thread? I'd also be up for that.

thats what i thought you meant by bordeom off...lol...i thought we were gonna go duel in the dueling forum.....lmao.

Miscommunication FTW! :laugh:

Switching threads...

very good, it does seem to move a little slow at times, and as said befroe, you lack commas and stuffs in places

all in all, good work. can't wait to see what you do when your not bored.

you said it brother.

and hyl, i can't either. :ph43r:

Flailing-Axes and me are preparing for the Christmas Fluff-a-thon, and we want to get on the same line when judging (I tend to be a lot harsher than FLaxes), because of fairness. Either way, here's the first review:


Spelling: 2.5/5
Distractingly abundant. Mainly in speech, but the where/were/we're was switched on more than one occassion.

Realism: 7/10
A battle with only four deaths and one wounded? At some points the scale seems to be a battle with at least a thousand combatants on either side, so I don't see how only four people could have lost their lives.

Originality: 10/15
A siege is hardly original, the point of view is not original either. The only thing original is the choice of god. I have read few pieces with Morr as a central deity.

Good Writing: 11/20
Nothing amazed me, which would lead to an average score, if it wasn't for the fact that the description was poor, the level of detail is rather dissappointing. I hardly know what happened, let alone be pulled into the piece.

Total: 30.5

Grammatical Correctness: 3.5/5
There were a fair few things you did wrong, mostly it was comma’s that should have been semi-colons; you definitely need to try and something about that. A few words that were wrong, ‘Clag’ instead ‘Clad’ that kind of thing. Just little things like that, but there were a fair few of them

Realism: 8.0/10.
Yup, characters were realistic, emotions were, combat scenes didn’t seem unlikely, funeral rights sounded realistic too, nicely done. A few minor things again let you down: Spartan chamber for instance. Spartan can be an adjective, but it needs to be lower case. Causalities seemed a bit unlikely too; I think a few more should have died

Originality: 13/15
A beastmen raid, been done many, many times before. However, Morr was a nice little twist and the funeral rights was a great feature.

Good Writing: 13/20
Nicely put together, however I think there was something lacking in the description of the battle, and I think the speech could have been put together better. It also didn’t really ‘move’ me in any way; I didn’t feel any empathy with your characters and I didn’t really care whether the beastmen killed them all or not.

Total Marks: 37.5