Due to time restraints and severe can't be arsedness - I'm now dumping my mobile phone gags in here instead of the GRIN REAPER (now offline) site.

I may resume updating the site at a later date.

Exit this topic now if you hate politically incorrect and broadminded humour. ;)
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for the rest of the grown ups amongst you, read on.

10 July 2oo6

Submitters: Andy Bridle, BeadZzz, Hilz and Johnny Von backslap.

Man marries a deaf girl and says "We must work out a code. If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast. You reply by pulling my penis once for YES and a 150 times for NO."


Found a parrot in my garden, all it says is "Fuck off you ugly cunt!!!" Is it yours?


At breakfast this morning we had our toast with marmalade and a new spread called Zidane. It's the best butter in France!


Newsflash - Saddam Hussein has been found guilty.
Verdict - Death by firing squad. Upon being asked of his last request he chooses his own firing squad.... he chose LAMPARD, GERRARD and fucking CARRAGHER from 12 yards!


Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors & complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror. "I'm not suprised." says the Doctor "You're a CUNT!"


ALZHEIMERS OR PARKINSONS... Which one would you rather have? PARKINSONS of course! Better to spill half your pint than forget where the fuck you put it!


When David Beckham scores I drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scores I drink SKOL, when Charlie Miller scores I drink MILLER. Thank fuck David Seaman was a goalie!


Bloke says to his wife, why do you never tell me when you have an orgasm? She replies "I don't like ringing you at work!"


All pakis, muslims and turks are leaving Britain and paying back their benefits and giving all their houses back. Carlsberg don't make txt messages but if they did......


A woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died and she married again and had 7 more children, again her husband died. She remarries again and this time has 5 more children and she finally dies. Standing at her coffin the preacher prayed for her and said "Lord, they are finally together." A mourner asks her friend if he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband. The friend replies "I think he means her fucking legs!"


A couple viewing a painting of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench noticed that the one in the middle had a white penis. Confused they confront the artist about it. He replies "They're not black men in the painting, they're coal miners and the one in the middle has just been home for lunch!"


Ringo says to Paul "Would you ever go down on one knee again?" Paul answers " No.. and I wish you'd fucking call her Heather.


South African loses leg in a mining accident.. "I'm fucked now!" he said. "Who'd want a one legged gold digger?" "ME!" said Paul McCartney


"I lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver,
I undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river."

- A poem by Sir Paul McCartney

quality gags ole lad... :lol:

21 October 2oo6

Submitters: Berty BleEP BloOP, Andy Bridle, Fretty, BeadZz, Riggy.

Due to the increased terrorist threat, BA has stopped flying out of the UK. In a prepared statement, BA announced " I ain't getting on no plane, fool!

Just got back from a muslim birthday party, fuck me that game of pass the parcel was quick!

A female terrorst beleived to be part of Al Qaida was today found dead. Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong cunt.

Klu Klux Knievel failed his attempt to jump 124 niggers in his steamroller but the council thanked him 388ft of tarmac complete with catseyes.

Steve Irwin died doing what he loved. Tommy Cooper died doing what he loved. Don't have a wank tonight m8, I'm worried about ya!

Steve Irwin is not the 1st and won't be the last bloke to be stung by something with a big set of flaps and smells like fish! :D

Steve Irwin was asked which was his favourite kids TV program. He replied "I thought Thunderbirds was great but Stingray was closer to my heart!"

Steve Irwin gets to the pearly gates and St. Peter says "Jesus! You look brown, even for an aussie!" Irwin replies "Yeah! Caught some rays on the way up!"

RIP Steve Irwin. Crikey, should've worn sunscreen to block out the harmful rays!

SINNER in confession box: Forgive me father for I have sinned, I masterbate, fart, shag, suck cocks & I luv to ram objects up my arse.
PRIEST: is that you [insert name of yer m8 here] :)

Worlds shortest fairy tale. Once upon a time, a man asked a woman, "Will you marry me?" The woman replied "No" and the man lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and shagging and still had money in his pocket at the end of every week.

Paddy is driving home from the pub after having a few beers. He turns a corner and to his horror he see a tree in the middle of the road and swerves to avoid it, he see's yet another tree in the road and has to swerve again. To find his way home he has to swerve constantly from side to side to miss the trees in the road. Shortly after, Paddy is stopped by police and tells them about the trees in the middle of the road. "For fecks sake, Paddy!" says the policeman "That's your fucking air freshener!"

in stitches here some of these are great lol:)
can't stop laughing ;)

Gags continued...

Submitters: Andy Bridle, Fretty, BeadZz, Riggy, Berty BLeEP BloOP.

A muslim woman knocked on our door last night but i never opened it. I just talked to her through the letterbox to see how she fucking likes it!

Loads of blokes at bucking bronco contest. One bloke manages to stay on for 10 minutes, "How the hell did you manage that?" one bloke says. Other bloke replies "My wife's epileptic!"

Young Iraqi lad signs pro contract for Liverpool FC, he scores a hat trick on his debut and gets carried off the field shoulder high. He rings home all excited to tell his mum and asks how the family are. His mum says "How are we? The house has been bombed, yours dad's been shot, your sister was raped and I've been mugged and robbed at gunpoint. Why the fuck did you bring us to Liverpool!"

London police are in trouble again. They've just shot a bus load of Thalidamide muslims who they suspected were bringing small arms into the country.

Jeremy Clarkson and Danny La Rue have been caught having bum sex. That's the second time a Top Gear presenter has been fucked by a dragstar.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get my slippers?" "No bother." Murphy says and runs upstairs. He sees Paddy's twin 19 year old daughters sitting on their bed. "Hello girls, yer dad sent me up here to shag ya both!" "Fuck off ya liar" they said. "I'll prove it!" says Murphy. He shouts down stairs "Both of 'em Pat?" Paddy shouts back "Of course! What's the use of fucking one!"

Couple having wild sex in back in the back of a van. She says "Whip me! Whip me". He has no whip so snaps off the van aerial and uses that. After a week she's getting the marks checked by a doctor, who tells her that it's the worst case on van aeriel disease he's ever seen!

New month.. new gags!

Submitters: Riggy, Fretty and Tig Daddy BeadZzz


Joseph Umbobo has no arms or legs and has just won a fancy dress competition. He stuck a piece of string up his arse and went as a conker!


I was at the cashpoint earlier when an old lady asked me if I'd check her balance, so I pushed old bitch over!


"I'm baffled by your orange penis?" said the doctor to his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The concerned fellow said "No!" "Do you handle any chemicals at work?" ask the doc. The man replies "I don't work but I do watch a lot of porn and eat Wotsits!"


I saw 6 blokes punching my mother in law, my neighbour said "Are you not gonna help?" I said "Nar, 6 should about do it."


Man has a 50 note tattoed on his cock, his wife asks why he did it? He replies "1.. I like to see my money grow. 2.. I like to play with my money. 3.. I like having money in my hand and last but not least, next time you want to blow fifty quid, you can fucking' stay at home!"


Osama Bin Laden has been caught shagging sheep in Wales. When questioned by police, he said they were 'is lambs and he can do what the fuck he wants with 'em.


I'm passing this onto you because it's worked for me and I've found inner peace. The way to do it is to finish the things you started. I looked around around this morning to see the things I'd started, so I finished the Vodka, Baileys, some red wine and Valium. You have no fuckin idea how peaceful I feel!


I'm at the police station. I've just been arrested!! 'POSSESSION OF GOOD LOOKS'
Police say I need an ugly bastard to bail me out... DON'T BE LONG!


What haved Elton John and Richard Hammond got in common?
They both have skidmarks on there helmet!


There's a big car boot sale at Elvington Airfield tomorrow. It's only bits and pieces but apparently it's all TOP GEAR. hahaha BANG!


Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouth full off cock 'cos Jill's a fuckin' tranny!


The following submitted by Kin Hell - cheers Charlie!


Whats the first thing Spastics do in School?
Assembly!


Whats a Spastics Worst Enemy?
Rust!


What do Spastics do in Metalwork?
Make Friends!


What do you call a swimming pool full of Spastics?
Vegetable soup!


What part of a Spastic cant you eat?
The Wheelchair!


How do you get a spastic to kick himself to death?
Put a magnet on his head!


Whats the Definition of Chaos?
A bus load of Spastics Passing a Magnet Factory!


Did you hear about the bus load of Spastics that crashed on the M5 motorway last week?
Experts report it's gonna take about 6 months to pull the bus from the wreckage!


2 Leppers playing cards - One threw his hand in & the other laughed his head off!


Definition of a Skeleton?
A Lepper in a wind tunnel.


Definition of Porridge?
A Lepper in a bath!


What goes "Plink-Plink....Fizz"
2 babys in an acid bath


Whats brown & taps on Windows?
A baby in a Microwave


Whats red & sits in a corner screaming?
A Baby chewing razor blades


What goes screaming down a corridor & can't turn around?
A baby with a Javelin through it's head


Man travelling from London to Glasgow via Train. He's sat in First Class, 3 piece Pin Stripe Suit, bowler hat & briefcase on table, Financial Times open
and sipping a large rip-off-priced Gin & Tonic. He's dead comfy. About an hour from Glasgow, the train starts lurching and banging around. The man smashes
his head on the ceiling, half breaks his back over his seat, his head smashes thro' the window - christ he's in a mess. Staggering off the train at Glasgow, he's stood there
on the platform with blood all over his face; 3 piece suit torn to shreds; Dented bowler hat; He's in a right state! Grabbing the guard of the train & pulling him by his
Jacket Lapells into his face, he asks the Guard "What the fuck happened an hour ago down the line?" The guard replies saying, "Listen mate, I just watch the back of the
train - Go ask the fucking Driver!" So, staggering up the Platform to the front of the train, he grabs the driver by his Jacket Lapells & says, "What the fuck happened
an hour ago down the line?" The driver says, "It wasn't my fault mate". The man says, "Not your fault, you're the train Driver, if it wasnt your fault whos fucking fault was it?"
The driver raises a triumphant fist in the Air and says, "It was a nigger mate, .......he was 2 fields away, but I got the Bastard"


An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman are down the boozer after work one night. It was a regular event after work before going home to their wives.
The Englishman is playing the one armed bandit whilst Paddy & Jock are at the bar.
Tyson sticks his head through the door by the one armed bandit & says, "I'm Mike Tyson, I got 1 million quid & I fuck white women". The Englishman looks at him and says,
"Fair play mate, nice one, thats really good for ya" & at that Tyson fucks off.
The following night after work, they're all in the same boozer. Jock is playing the bandit & this time when Tyson sticks his head through the door he says, "I'm Mike Tyson, I got 2 million
quid & I fuck white women". Jock looks at him and says, "Fair play mate, nice one, thats really good for ya" & at that Tyson fucks off.
The following night after work, same boozer but this time, Paddy is playing on the bandit. The Englishman & Scotsman are at the bar chatting about Tyson & what was said to them both
over the last couple of nights. At this point, they see Tyson stick his head through the door. He looks at Paddy & they hear him say, "I'm Mike Tyson, I got 3 million quid & I fuck white women"
They cant quite hear what paddy says but within seconds of his reply, Paddy is laid on the floor spitting teeth & blood. They race over to Paddy whilst Tyson fucks off.
Paddy, Paddy...what the fuck happened?
"Well" paddy says, "Tyson came in and said, "I'm Mike Tyson I got 3 Million quid & I fuck white women". "Yeah" says the Englishman, "we heard him say that, but what the fuck did you say?
Jock & I had the same shit for the last 2 nights, but we didn't end up spitting teeth & blood.
"Not much really" replied Paddy. "All I said was, fair play mate, - If I earned all your money, I wouldn't fuck niggers either!?"

I was asked to do a 10-mile charity fun recently and I said "PISS OFF!"

They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

So I thought "Fuck! I could win this!"'

R O F L :lol: :lol: :lol:

:D Some cracking gags. Had forgot abot a few but new material a plenty, Hoooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii :ph43r:

A bright young lad at the age of 12 years old is sat on 9 Grade "A" O-Levels, 6 Grade "A" A-Levels but it should have been 7 Grade "A" A-Levels.
After his father has thrashed him within an inch of his life, he asks the young lad,
"Son, of all the fucking Exams to fail with a "B", it had to be A-Level English Literature, - Why?"
W-w-w-w well stutters the lad, it's f-f-f-f-f ucking hard reading b-b-b-b raile with a hook!

Some very dodgy ones I got recently....

Kate McCann is being touted for England manager, as she's only lost one in Europe this year.....

Tomtom are recalling their 2008 sat nav models, as they can't find England in Europe.....

Police have stated Peter Tobin is innocent, they found out he got his topsoil from Lockerbie.....

Merlin

Nasty! But soo funny, Merl. :lol:

@KH: Good 1 Charlie!

LOL Merlin.....

Quick Fire Oldies:

The space Shuttles crew all love a Dash of Teachers in their 7up!

NASA Stands for: Need Another Seven Astronauts

Do you remember the Teacher on the fateful mission had Blue Eyes!
ONE blew this way & the other blew that way!

A survey found the entire Shuttle team definately used Head & Shoulders!
They found them all over the beach!

Several Definitions of Bad Luck:
A one armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy bollocks.
A fly skiding down a razor blade using his bollocks as brakes.
A Cambodian getting run down by a Blue Peter Truck!

Why dont Pakistan have an International Football Team?
Cos everytime they got a corner, .....they'd build a fucking shop!
Same reason why Romans built straight roads!

Why do Paki's carry shit in their wallets?
Identification purposes.

Why do Pakis take several buckets of shit to their weddings?
Keep the Flies off the bride.

How many Pakis does it take to Tarmac a road?
Depends how thin u slice em!

Why do Paki's smell?
So the "Blind" can aim as well.


Bloke goes into a pub & orders a Pint of Beer. Landlord sez;
"Can't serve u in here with that Tiger m8. You gotta go.
Bloke sez he was hoping to do business the the landlord as he feeds his Tiger on Paki's & will pay £350 a week for a Paki every night!
The Landlord Retorts: Hmm, come in tommorow, I'll see what I can do.
Following night, bloke slams £50 on the bar & asks for a Pint & one Paki. The pint is pulled & the Paki is lobbed over the bar, Tiger eats the Paki & bloke goes home.
Again, the following night, bloke slams £50 on the bar & asks for a Pint & one Paki. The pint is pulled & the Paki is lobbed over the bar, Tiger eats the Paki & bloke goes home.
This goes on for months until one night, the barman says;
Listen matey, you can have the beer for free tonight, I just don't have a Paki for you. Your Tiger has eaten all the Pakis around here.
Shit sez the bloke.....what the fuck am I gunno do now.
Landlord chirps in that he's already given the matter some thought but wanted to check it was okay before doing it. So, thinking he's on a good one, he informs the bloke he can get hold of a shit load of Pygmies!
SHHHHHhh sez the Bloke! ....You musn't say that! ......He Goes MAD on shorts!

@KH: Good one's, Charlie. Forgot about these - nasty! :D

Ok, here we go with some Jermemy Beadly gags courtesy of Pentagram (thx Marc!):


His cremation is to be televised on ITV. they're gonna call

it 'You've Been Flamed!'


Why did Beadle wank with his left hand?

To make his dick look bigger.


Beadle has requested his remains be recycled and scattered on his garden. ITV sources say he could be back in the early autumn with 'Watch out, Beadles a sprout!'


Beadles family have released the funeral arrangements. There will be a family service and a small finger buffet.


Jeremy Beadle's lawyer is having difficulty reading his will, apparently it was written in short hand


How does the coroner know what time Jeremy Beadle passed away ? cos the little hand was pointing to the big hand


After the autopsy when asked if jeremy beadle had a big manhood or not the coroner replied, "well on one hand he has but on the other hand he hasn't"

What's black & taps on windows?
A baby 10 minutes later

@Zeb: Nasty! :)

Here's one from my inbox courtesy of Pentragram...

Just moved to a new house, fuck me it’s a rough area.
Myra Hindley is the avon lady
Fred West is the gardener
Louise Woodward is the babysitter
Harold Shipman is my new GP
Gary Glitter runs the playgroup and the fuckin McCanns run the holiday club!


Hahaha :lol:

LOL Daz :D

Down here in Camborne, Cornwall....The Seaguls have started flying upside down!

Apparently, they can`t find anywhere decent to shit!

Camborne also suffers total fucking confusion on Fathers day as well. :blink:

I have couple, i will put more up very shortly

If mothers celebrate mothers day,
fathers celebrate fathers day and
lovers celebrate valentines day, do
wankers celebrate palm sunday?

Hilary Clinton shaves her pussy the night before the debate. She comes to the podium & lifts her skirt and says" Read my lips: No more bush"

Just met your double, no joke.
I swear i thought it was you, i
even shouted your name but it
just carried on scratching its
arse and eating banannas

Aeroplane is about to crash. Female passenger jumps up and shouts " If im going to die, i want to die like a woman". She tears off her cloths and asks, " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?". Paddy stands up and removes his shirt and says " Here iron this!"

Some more bobby dazzlers that have been dumped from my phone. :)
---------------------------------

Zebo, is a half blind 5 year old African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with one leg on a bicycle with a buckled wheel and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we'll send you the video, it's fuckin' hilarious.!


Q. What's the difference between a cricket bat and a turban?
A. Fuck all! They both wrap nicely around a paki's head.


New sex drug on the market. Half viagra, half Prozac. It's fantastic - if you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck!


I was walking past a mental asylum and I heard the residents chanting 13! 13! 13! I found a hole in the fench, looked in and some fucker poked me in the eye! They all started chanting 14! 14! 14!


The story of arses:

(_!_) Regular arse

(__!__) Fat arse

(!) Tight arse

(_*_) Sore arse

(_o_) Well used arse

(_e=mc2_) Smart arse

and everyone's favourite..

(_x_) Kiss my arse!!


Wife practicing Yoga laying on the bed with legs around her neck. Hubby walks in and says "Fucking hell woman, brush your hair and put yer teeth in. You look like yer mother!!"


Been to see my pakistani friends new baby today. She asked if I wanted to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just give it a fuckin' dead leg!


A bloke notices a bird giving him the eye in the supermarket. "Do I know you?" he asks. She says "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?" He thinks back to the only time he was unfaithful and says "Were you the hooker who I fucked over the pool table at my stag do, while yer mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shovin' a massive cucumber up my arse?" She stares at him and says "No! I'm your daughters teacher!"


The best engine in the world is a fanny. It pulls anything, takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with one finger and every 4 weeks does it's own oil change. It's just a pity that the management system is so fucking tempermental.


A woman is told she only has 24hrs to live. She tells her hubby & asks if they can make love one more time. Crying and upset, he agrees & they have mind blowing sex. After 12 hrs, she asks again and he gives her the best oral sex she has ever had. 4 hrs to go & she begs for one last go. "FUCK OFF!" he says "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING.. YOU DONT!!"


Do you want to join the Alzheimers protest march? If so, learn the chant:
"What do we want?" "I don't know!" "When do we want it?" Want what?"



Following the untimely death of Jeremy Beadle recently, it has been decided that a minutes silence would be the most fitting tribute. This will be held at midday when the little hand reaches the big hand.


Scientists have warned that over 600,000 Pakistanis could die as a result of global warming. On a more serious note, Douglas, the trombone player from the Lurpak advert has melted.


A man had to show his grey chest hair to prove he could get his pension. His wife said "You should have shown 'em your cock and we could have got disability too!"


It's hard life being a penis! Only got one eye, hairs a mess, neighbours are nuts, there's an arsehole round the corner and yer best mate is a fanny!


Name 6 great kings who have brought happiness into peoples lives?
Answer:- Drin-king, fuc-king, suc-king, lic-king, span-king and wan-king!


Worlds shortest fairytale... Once upon a time, a man asked a woman "Will you marry me?" The woman replied "No!" and the man lived happily ever after and went golfing, fishing, drinking and still had money in his pocket at the end of every week. The End



If a woman is watching you wank, do you think?

(1) u need more time together
(2) she's a total prude -or-
(3) she should sit somewhere else on the bus?



94 yr old man in hospital having tests and he is asked to return with a sperm sample. 2 days later he returns with an empty jar and the nurse asks why? Man replies "It's no good, I tried with my left hand and I tried with my right. Got the wife to try it with both hands and with teeth in and teeth out. We even got Doris next door to try but we still couldn't get the lid off the fuckin jar!!"



Essex girl and boy are playing hided and seek. Girl sends boy a text "If you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse. If you can't, I'm in the shed"


Girlfriend says: If my left leg was breakfast and my right leg was lunch, what would you prefer? Boyfriend says: Eating between meals!


A foul mouthed, ugly fat woman walks into Asda dragging two dirty brats with her. The greeter says "Good morning madam, what beautiful kids you have, are they twins?" Woman says "Stupid bastard, she's only 7, he's only fuckin' 3, why would they be twins dickhead?" Greeter says "Because I can't imagine anyone shagging you twice!"

Frank Lampard has asked drogba not to attend his mums funeral, in case he dives in the box.

Boss asks his secretary, let me fuck u just 1time. I`ll be quick. I`ll pay u £1000 i`ll throw the money on the floor & b4 u bend down & pick it up i`ll be done " Girl calls her boyfriend who sez: yeah do it but ask 4 £2000 & b very quick 2 pick up the money. After 4 hrs the boyfriend calls her " What happened?" the girlfriend replies " the bastard is using coins"

Network rail have promised to look into waiting times at paddington station, after mark speight was left hanging around for6 days!

HUSBAND: "lets try missionary position".
WIFE: " Ok, what do we do?"
HUSBAND: " I`ll stay here and you fuck off to Africa"

Scientist have discovered the average penis weighs 8 ounces but can`t decide what the average cunt weighs.Jump onto the scales and txt me back, cheers

A bloke and tiger walk into a bar.
Bloke says" Do u serve niggers here?"
Barman says" Of course, we`re not racist".
Bloke says" Great! a pint for me and a nigger for the tiger!"

A man was sunbathing naked,he covered his privates when he saw a little girl. He told her he was hiding a bird. She left and he fell asleep, Later he woke in pain and in hospital, he didn`t know what had happened. The little girl came to visit and she told him that when he was asleep she played with the bird but it spat at her so she
broke its neck, burnt its nest and crushed the fuckin eggs.,

Good effort, Flush. :lol:

Didn't take long for these next gags to start doing the rounds. :)


Elizabet Frizl has been crowned hide and seek champion after hiding for 24 years. The McCanns have branded her a cheat saying "she had help from her dad!"


Just when you thought Madeline McCann was pissing the international hide and seek record, a fuckin' Austrian pops up with 24 years in a cellar!