Even the weather suits my mood, // journal of Lae Ayle )

[Lae Ayle]

Today | April 8^th, XXXX^!

Today I feel surrounded
Today I am connected
Today I am a part of something more
As if every cell were singing
Still, I can’t embrace it
Every silver lining has a cloud

First Entry

Callum surprised me with you seconds after cutting myself with his first present. I'm sorry I've bloodied your pages with my carelessness and not my words. Callum thinks it is fitting - he says it makes you truly mine. He wants to read what I have written in his absence.

He just walked out the door. I‘ve finally managed to stop waving at his back, and am I now preoccupying myself with keeping my promise of taking care of myself. Okay, Callum? I can‘t do much damage to myself with ink and paper. The weather is nice, and I plan to clean. I saw that you took back the knife you had given me. This must have been your replacement present in case I happened to stab myself with the first.

I hope you wouldn‘t call me childish if I were to admit that currently I am crying. I don‘t know how bad the war is, or if there is still a war, or how dangerous it is beyond our settled sanctuary. But whatever the letter you had received said, I could read generations of anguish on your face. You promised that nothing will ever take you away from me after this, and I hold you to your word. I‘ll go prepare your favorite meal and clean like I said I would. And you, also, take care.

[Lae Ayle]

Today | April 21^st, XXXX^!

Today I feel surrounded
Today I am connected
Today I am a part of something more
As if every cell were singing
Still, I can’t embrace it
Every silver lining has a cloud

Second Entry

The entire house is ready for your arrival, so, don’t take your time, Callum.

I was overjoyed to receive your letter. I don’t think I could walk as much as you have had to. And I wish you could tell me, at least, where you are. Otherwise, I’m glad to hear that you are well. And no, I don’t put my wedding dress on every night and dance around in it. I’ll save that for you. But I have tried it a few times to make sure it doesn’t need any adjustments. I’ve been eating more than usual - I’m used to including you in my meals, and I happen to eat larger servings than necessary.

The house is quiet, so I go exploring. I’ve asked a carpenter to make another shelf for my shell collection, and another for my new books. I read one a day, and that with my swimming manages to keep me occupied. If I’m not reading or searching for shells or brushing my hair or polishing my jewelry and the weapons you left behind, I’m sleeping. I sleep most of the time. I can’t wait for you to come home so you may laugh over my boring weeks alone.

I hope to hear again from you soon. If only I knew where you were, or where you were going, then I could send you a letter of my own. But I suppose you wouldn’t care for all the questions I would ask, or the fuss I would make over our separation. Take care, Callum.

[Lae Ayle]

Today | May 10^th, XXXX^!

Today I feel surrounded
Today I am connected
Today I am a part of something more
As if every cell were singing
Still, I can’t embrace it
Every silver lining has a cloud

Third Entry

I remember stories I've heard of the men who returned home from war. Not always outwardly scared, they may return more withdrawn and with nightmares.

I have my own nightmares, and I couldn't imagine you quiet - but you've changed. I can already tell by your latest, brief letter.

Though, changes or not, I only want you safe at home. Anxiety seems to have made me sick. I sleep restlessly and I can't manage to keep any food down. But I find some fun in my books. I've probably used most of my savings purchasing books. I've also made it a goal to walk a mile each day. I haven't stepped out yet because I feel so sick, but I've become accustomed to the ache in my legs. Perhaps in my own physical exhaustion I think to feel a fraction of what you feel.

My heart aches for my husband. You should know I'm counting the days until our wedding. I look through my photos and I mark pages especially for our wedding photos. To picture myself in white, happy in your arms makes me weak. I'm also readying myself for a suitable argument to make you do some other line of work. Even being a bodyguard seems too dangerous now. For now - all I have in my defense is myself. Selfish, I know, but think of me. Your to-be wife worrying herself sick over you when I know well that you can take care of yourself. And, I suppose, later, I could say that you should think of your son or daughter or children. I don't want any of my descendants to stay up at night, waiting for their father to come, and finally in desperation not care whether or not he is alive.

Please take care of yourself, Callum. I feel my mentality is deteriorating, but I promised not to worry, so I'll be sure to do something that will make you smile tomorrow. Take care, my love.

[Lae Ayle]

Today | May 22^nd, XXXX^!

Today I feel surrounded
Today I am connected
Today I am a part of something more
As if every cell were singing
Still, I can’t embrace it
Every silver lining has a cloud

Fourth Entry

You have yet to send word.

Tonight I have planned to leave the house. I left you a note, and I’ve made the bed and tidied the house in case you happen to come before me. On one hand I’d rather you did, but on the other - I want to be able to greet you properly.

In any case, I’ve packed the essentials. My favorite brush, a mirror, a small knife and jewelry. I have some money, also, a book, clothes, a blanket, containers of saltwater, and this journal after I’ve finished writing. I would have brought myself some shoes, but, the boots lying around the house felt odd and my other shoes wouldn’t have managed any sort of trip on unpaved ground.

This is short because I don’t have much to say. I hope to see you soon. Perhaps we can laugh about how ridiculously worried I became. Or -- you could lock me in the house as my mother attempted to do.