Please post any funny jokes, Catholic or otherwise on this thread. I need cheering up with this blazing heat! :(

For starters:

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

:lol:

A Catholic school in Ireland:

Teacher to class: "Who can name the greatest man who ever lived? I'll give £5 to whoever comes up with the correct answer."

One boy raises his hand: "St Joseph?"

Teacher: "No. Anyone else?"

Another boy: "St John the Baptist?"

Teacher: "No. Any other takers?"

A Jewish boy: "St Patrick!"

Teacher: "Correct! Here's your prize. I'm surprise a young Jewish lad like yourself would get the answer right."

Jewish boy: "Well, I know the greatest man ever was Moses, but business is business!"

:lol:

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

**********************************************************************

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money visely!"

He doesn't vin... err.. win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein.

Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"

He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"

"Buy a ticket!"

*********************************************************************

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

*********************************************************************

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets.

***********************************************************************

She is so Blonde:

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price tag at 'Poundland'

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for petrol money.

*********************************************************************

Fiest Class Blonde:

A plane is on its way to Luton when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Luton and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Luton and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Luton."

********************************************************************

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The person called back."

*********************************************************************

Blonde Logic:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!


My apologies to those blondes who got their blondeness from a bottle...

Bah!

As a natural blonde, I found those jokes highly offensive! I'm going to sue for hurt feelings.

And then I'll add the resulting story to the "Political Correctness Gone Mad" thread!

Well, I need more material!

:P :lol:

Clare.

:lol:

:P

Clare.

BREAKFAST ANYBODY?



V)

Do they do chocolate coated ones?

:D

Clare.

"It's lovely Rowan, thank you...now, what about the rest of Salisbury Cathedral..."

Captions, please...

A parish priest in Dublin, Ireland, got tired of listening to the same old excuses from people who don’t attend church. So he wrote the following and printed it in the Sunday bulletin:

Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash

1. I was forced to wash as a child.

2. People who wash are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than everyone else.

3. There are so many different kinds of soap, I could never decide which one was right.

4. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

5. I wash only on special occasions, like Easter and Christmas.

6. None of my friends wash.

7. I’m still young. When I’m older and have gotten a bit dirtier, I might start washing.

8. I really don’t have time to wash.

9. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

10. People who make soap are only after your money.

:rofl:

You could add, as regards the unwillingness to go to confession:

There's no point washing, I'll only get dirty again!

Clare.

So that's your excuse, is it?

:o

:sm:

Not a joke but I didn't want to start a new topic.

Perhaps for the over 60 folks and maybe particular to the States; GBers may have their own versions. :D

What ever happened to:

Fender skirts
Curb feelers
Steering knobs (suicide knobs)
Continental kits
Running boards
Four on the floor
Store bought
Percolator
Car astrays are now an option :sm: (Put this one in just for Clare)


Did you, like me, miss the name change memo on: foot brake to emergency brake and emergency brake to parking brake?

:blink:

:blink:

:blink:

:blink:

:blink:

:blink:

That'd mean bought in a store?

Coffee making thing.

:sm: Thank you! And I don't even smoke! Maybe I should give up that smiley for Lent!

Is this all to do with cars? :blink:

I'm not doing very well. I'm not American, and I can't drive!

:wah:

Clare.

fender skirts: rear quarter panels used to be called rear fenders. Metal inserts or skirts were sold to fill in the wheel arc space to give a "finished" look. :no:

curb feelers: metal rods or springs about 2' (sorry I don't know metrics) and were attached to the bottom of car fenders to "feel" when someone was parking and getting close to the curb. :wacko:

continental kits: spare tire ([tyre], get this from owning a Big Healy!) placed in the center of the trunk to simulate a Lincoln Continental :bang:

four on the floor: big deal back in the late 50s. Manual shift was located on the column and was 3 gears; when MGs, Triumphs, and Healys were imported from GB they had the shift lever on the "floor" may have 4 forwards gears and in the case of the Big Healy an overdrive. :unsure:

Fenders. Now they're bumpers, right?

Don't worry about that! The Imperial system hasn't been stamped out here yet!

Big Healy? Lincoln Continental? They're cars, I guess!

MGs and Triumphs. I like them!
:sm:

Clare.

Reposting this as it was sent. I have no references to cite but assume most apply to the NO folks as traditionalists never "lip sync"! :wacko:




This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the
better off they are.


Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass.

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip sync.

Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2oly.

Hymn: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass often sung a little More quietly,
since most of the people have already left.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with
good basketball teams.

Jonah: The original "Jaws" story.

Justice: When kids have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an
HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been
rough.)

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit and stand.

Ten Commandments: the most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity
of a pew.

Secret Hot Line: Number direct to the Holy Spirit that only Catholics
know--"Et cum spirit-220"

A priest was visiting the home of one of his flock and found only the children to welcome him. "Mother will be back soon," they said, offering him some peanuts in a dish. He was soon lost in conversation and suddenly realised that he had consumed all the peanuts.

"I'm terribly sorry," he apologised to his attentive listeners, "I didn't leave any for you."

"Oh, that's OK," smiled the little angels, "we just eat the chocolate covering."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral"

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)


(it's a real treat)


(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A man is walking in the woods and comes up across a bear. The bear chases the man and as he is running, he trips, and the bear pins him to the ground. The man says a quick prayer and prays 'O Lord please turn this bear into a Catholic.'

The bear kneels in front of the man crosses himself and says 'Bless us O Lord and these thy gifts...'

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Heaven and Hell are so close that they share a common border. On Heavens side the lawn is nice and neat all the grass is mowed and the hedges trimed. Everything is perfect. On Hell's side the grass is unkempt, weeds abound and it is a huge mess and eye sore.

St. Peter constantly complains to the devil that he needs to keep up his property as it is casuing the property values to drop. Finally after months of complaining and no results, St Peter say to the devil, Satan, I am feed up with your neglect if you do not clean up your mess, I will sue you and take you to court. Satan replies, that's fine, just where do you think you can find a lawyer ???

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh no! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh no! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A priest was talking to several children about God. He then asks one of the children there, "Where is God?" The child does not answer. So the priest asks him again, "Where is God?" The child looks a bit embarrassed, but again doesn't answer. The priest, getting mad by now, asks loudly "WHERE IS GOD?" The child cries out "God, wherever you are, you'd better come out, he's getting really mad!"

The teacher was giving a true and false test. In the back of the room was a student tossing a coin in the air. The teacher went to the back and asked the student what he was doing. The student replied he as using heads for true and tails for false. The teacher shrugged and returned to the front. With only a few minutes remaining, the teacher noticed the same boy frantically tossing the coin, again and again. The teacher when to the back of the room and again asked him what was going on. The student said--I’m checking my answers! :wacko:

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to
that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a
soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says
"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long
as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at
Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly
head,lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a
laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought
you were Going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol!"

This piece of small black tarmac is standing in a bar when this large piece of black tarmac comes in and demands that the other buys him a drink. The small black piece of tarmac does so. 15 minutes later a small green piece of tarmac comes in and demands that the large piece of black tarmac buys him a drink. The large piece of tarmac does so. The small piece of black tarmac turns to him and asks him why he was so frightened. "I'm not messing with him", says the large piece of black tarmac, "he's a cyclepath".

Saw this one on Angelqueen:

A thief steals a priest's wristwatch, then goes to Confession with the same priest. He says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have stolen a wristwatch. I know it's a sin. Here--you take it."
The priest replies, "No, no, I can't accept it. You should give it back to whoever you stole it from."
"Well, Father, I tried to, but he didn't want it."
"Well in that case I guess you can keep it."
"Thank you, Father."

(Archbishop Sheen told it apparently!)

:rofl:

Clare.

This is apparently a true story sent to me by a friend in good 'ol 'mericky.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; LycomingCounty

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakesand Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; LycomingCounty

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout
Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if
there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to
legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and
are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one
or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to
protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears
are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES &THE DAM BEAVERS

Another one from America:

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations and had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked:

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

The Lord replied:

"No, the government and Vatican II modernists beat me to it."

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different Orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means that they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers that evening.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence, contemplation, and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

=======

Alternate ending:

The Society priests head outside, where there is still some daylight left to read by, and the Fraternity priests start wailing and yelling after them, "Don't leave the Church! Don't leave the Church!"

:rofl:

Nice one Isaac!

Too amusing!

:rofl:

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. Father Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of The Lord, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Can't remember where I found this one . . .



An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

"BACK OFF!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

John