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[Krymson]

And Everybody's favorite Street Fighter is back with his randomly posted reflections, some current and others not so much.

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[Krymson]

Flashback Entry

"Man that fight was pretty damn cool," Bryant drawled casualy.
"I know!! The little bitches actually decided to show!"
"Did you see those little fuckers run after we got through wit dem?"
I slunk along towards the back of the rowdy group as we sauntered, bruised, bloody, and victorious, through the storm soaked alleys. They were loud and boisterous as we headed in from the night. Most of the gang had already dispersed into cliques after the night's escapades, and all of them were just as exhilarated as we had gone our seperate ways and from there headed home.

As usual for me I kept my own additions to a minimum as we strode along with the gait that told all that we passed the story of a win. I was just as pumped as everone else around me, but I just wasn't joining into the smack talk. It had never been a big thing for me; I don't need to talk it as hard as I walk.
"We gotta fight more often in storms. That shit was fucking awesome."

I smirked as I listened to the mess of voices talking up the night. It had been a great fight. The thunder exploding like mortars in some war flick and the lightning sheets casting down around them while the rain lashed down its assault against fighters laying into one another. It had been amazing, exhilerating. I could still feel the chemicals pounding through me veins; better than any drug. What we had all thought was going to be a complete suck fest of a night-hanging around an alley in weather that no one with a lick of sense would have been out in and waiting for an opposing gang of street fighters to cop up and make the date-had turned into a night of ecstasy and bloody exhileration. Both sides, mind and theirs, and torn into each other like animals.

"Hell fucking yeah! And what about my man Jason here," one of the members who'd been around longest, Rap Sheet (named for multiple arrests since the age of twelve), turned the spotlight on me, "Man you kicked major ass out there! But what else can ya expect from the Terrorist."
The rest of the gang turned and started assaulting mewith rough punches and rough shoves while they praised my handy-work. I couldn't help my smirk fading into a grin as I fended them off. I traded several rough blows with my brother Byrant before he forced me down into a head-lock.
"Oh snap! The Terrorist is on lock down!" Rodney snickered loudly as he reached for his phone, "I gotta get a snap of this!"
As he produced the phone I managed to throw Bryant off of myself. He staggered heavily to the side and hit Rodney, causing them both to fall into the wall.
"Bryant man," Rap Sheet jawned, "you oughta know better than ta mess with someone who can waste four guys in one fight!"
Bryant straightened up, shoved Rodney, and brushed himself off, "I taught that kid everything he knows."
"Bullshit," I growled in reply, "and it was six you dumb ass."
Bryant shook his head in disbelief, "You son of a bitch-"
"Shut it Bryant," Jason drawled.

The rest of the guys started hooting and backed away, forming a circle as Bryant and me began to circle each other like boxers and traded playful punches. Then Bryant unleashed a serious blow into my shoulder.
"Oh shit!" several of the guys yelled.
I had to stop myself from grabbing the area he'd hit, that shit had hurt, "You hit like a bitch," I taunted.

Bryant lunged and I moved over to the side, catching him a blow to the jaw that would have dropped any human; but to an Apollite it was just a bruising impact. He came back around at me as if he hadn't felt it-even though I know he did-and I side stepped and caught his arm while at the same time swinging my foot and tripping him. Bryant hit the pavement hard and I followed, pressing him into the soaked asphalt and twisting his arm around behind his back with my knee between his shoulder blades, "How's that girly?"
"Ima fuckin kill you Jason."
I twisted his arm further until Bryant began gritting his teeth, "Say it."
"Hell no-Uncle! Oh shit man! Get the fuck off!"
I let go and scrambled out of the way, just in case he came up and went after me. On the ground Bryant rolled over, rubbing his shoulder, "Damn that hurt."
The guys came forwards again all howling different versions of owned. Bryant shot them all the finger and started to stand up again, "All right guys, that's enough for the night. This is where we all split anyway. "
"A'ight man" and "later" echoed through the alley as the guys split off, soon leaving me and Bryant alone. As the voices of the others faded in the distance we began walking again.

"Man you were vicious tonight Jason. Something bothering you?"
"Nah. I'm fine."
My brother eyed me for a minute before looking ahead again, "You're a liar."
I shrugged in reply and we fell silent. Bryant knew what was bothering me and I didn't see the point in elaborating needlessly. Part of why we had always been so close was that we understood each other on a level that no one else did; on one that no one else could. How could anyone else? Neither of us were human, we were a 'superior' cursed race.

Now that the energy from the guys was gone I was sinking back into my usual state of slightly depressed mellowness. Beside me Bryant didn't seem to be much better off. He'd seen me putting the other guys down and knew what the source of it was, a sort of helpless rage placed by fate. It was all the same for him-to an extent-the fighting was an escape and a desperate shot at a normal life; but for me it was more than just a trip. I needed the fights, they were what kept me going.
"Well, this is my street," I said as we drew up to it, "I'll see you later Bry."
"A'ight man, watch yourself."
"You too," I said, turning off while Bryant continued to walk straight. I paused for a moment, glancing over my shoulder and watching his back retreat.

We're both screwed. Time's running out.

[Krymson]

I don't believe in anything.

Not in heaven. Not in Gods. Not in Angels.

Even the ones that I know exist merit no belief from me. You can't trust in heaven, gods, or angels. They'll always let you down. They are more flawed than men, in a way; they have no excuse for their failures. Only negligence.

I don't believe anything.

Nothing. I automatically assume that everyone, everything I know is a lie or is lying to me. There are no truths, no explanations, no real reasons. I just pick the lie I like best and run with it.
The person that can sell me a good story can buy my loyalty; if I like the message in their lie.

I don't think that mankind is basically good.

That's bullshit, at least in the way that most people mean when they say it. Yes, mankind is basically good, but only in the sense that good and evil are one and the same. No one ever sees themselves as the bad guys; good and bad are matters of opinion.

I don't even think that mankind is any better than the rest of the animals.

We are animals; some are just closer than others. That's what makes the entire war between the Arcadians and the Katagari so fucking stupid. That's what makes the Dark Hunters a waste; they kill Daimons for no reason. Daimons only kill to survive. Just like most humans only kill animals to eat and live. Just like animals generally only kill to eat and live. We're all the same, animals and men.

That's why I'm going to turn and never regret a damned minute of my extended life. That's why I'm going to completely give up on all this second chance and give it a try bullshit.

I used to believe in things. Like how my mother used to tell me that everything would be okay in the end, like how my best friend used to say that we'd always be there for each other.
But it turns out my mother was wrong (among other things) and that Bryant was a liar; walking through the door in time to watch your best friend, your brother, give a pistol a blow job can do a number on your faith. Just like witnessing your father's slaying at the hands of a Dark Hunter, or watching your mother waste away to Apollo's curse.

Coming home to find your lover murdered, pinned bleeding to the wall right across from the bed where your newborns are screaming, can have the same sort of effect on you.
I guess that was when I finally realized that I was just fucking with myself if I really believed that everything was eventually going to be okay. The end might justify the means, but that doesn't meant everything is gonna be okay.

I guess I've known that for a long time, but I'm just now starting to accept the fact. They say that innocence is bliss, but that's not exactly the case. Innocence is simply ignorance, in the end.
Ignorance is bliss.
And I'm pretty fucking educated at this point.

[Krymson]

Okay.

Now that I've sat here and stared at the I-bar blinking for over half an hour now...

Memory is a funny thing...I can barely remember more than just bits and peices of most of the best times in my life, but the worst days are all there. Down to the finest detail.

I can tell you almost everything about that night after I left to runby the shop and drop off those plans. The streets were pretty still, at least on my end, and there wasn't really a lot going on. I remember seeing Rolo and Red outside of Fat's place passing either a fag or a joint, but there wasn't anyone else around.

By the time I got back some aspiring street writer had thrown up his tag on the old Grafitti wall, the one that's up just before my street. I remember feeling really weird as I made the turn, and then even worse as I slowed and guided my bike into the alley beside our house. It was almost like I was having an acid flash-back but not exactly the same. In a way it was almost like for a second part of me had been drug away somewhere else with a sort of hot-cold flash and a split second of nothing. The stone in my choker flashed hot, at least I think it did. I think it had done the same thing just before I left...or maybe I was just imagining it both times.

I killed the engine and as I pulled my helmet off I heard wings fluttering and then the harsh sound of a crow's call. When I looked up Gabriel was landing on the window sill, but it wasn't him that I really noticed. The glass was completely shattered. Then, with a nervous chill, I actually registered my bird.
Gabriel lifted his wings, fanning them to the sides, and leaned fowards while cawing again. He suddenly jumped into the air and flew at me as I approached the door, forcing me to duck. He repeated this several more times until I was inside; almost like he was trying to drive me away and keep me from going inside.

When I pushed the door open it was dead quiet, except for the faint sounds of Rhea and Laurent whimpering upstairs. Their stuff was scattered all over the table, which was weird considering Ari's insane cleaning OCD.

I already knew that something was wrong; it was just one of those times that I didn't really want to believe it as I moved slowly up the stairs wondering why I didn't here Ari coddling the twins, wondering what the scent that I was catching snatches of was.

By the time I got to the door the smell of blood was overpowering...
Ever watched C.S.I.? Walking into that room was like watching one of their season specials....
For only a few quarts there's a lot of blood in the human body...

That was the second time in my life that I can remember everything freezing up (the first was when Koji first attacked Ari in that club in Vegas and I realized that I'd just picked a fight with a pissed off Daimon). I can't really remember how long I was locked up, standing there in the doorway listening to the children as they began to scream. The clock was flashing 2:04 AM when I first stepped into the doorway, and when I finally began to cross the room it was 2:39; but I don't remember the time passing.

Ari was already dead. I knew that from the moment I set eyes on her, or it never would have taken me so long to react. Even a full blooded Apollite would have been hard pressed to survive that wound, and no human could.
The sword was Japanese styled; black and white with a golden dragon inset into the black-steel blade. It became visible, baring bloody fangs, as I pulled it from her body. The sword dropped heavily to the ground, the twins howled at the sound; everything was sort of muffled, though.

I caught her body, choking on the heavy metallic scent of her blood as it poured onto me no longer clotted by the blade, as she fell and went to the floor. Her skin was cold, but there was some warmth left in her body and the liquid that was staining my clothes and clinging to my skin. Her eyes...

Movies tend to alter realities. People don't die with their eyes open or closed. Ari's were half lidded, but even then I could see the sheer lifelessness, the nothingness in them.

The mind seems to have a liking for strange thoughts at the wrong time. I hear that all the time, and I can't help but agree. Maybe it was just a defence mechanism on my part. I was trying to turn the scene into fiction. It all felt so dream-like that it just had to be one. It was a nightmare and if I could just make myself wake up I'd be in the bed with Ari nestled against my chestand her head under my chin...

Anyway, as I held her with my gaze frozen to her half lidded emerald eyes I found myself remembering a book that I'd read once. Something along the lines of "The Brief History of the Dead". It was based off of an old African-Tribal belief that there are three types of humans. There were the living, the sasha , and the zamani. The sasha are not wholly dead because there are still living friends and relatives that can conjure their picture and carry memories of them. They can put their likeness into art, describe them, tell stories of them. When the last person to know them dies they become the zamani, the dead. The zamani were not forgotten, not exactly, they were revered and could still be recalled by name, like ancestors. But they weren't the living-dead.

I remember all of these thoughts, remember wondering where Ari was. Had she crossed the rivers yet? Styx? Acheron? Was she approaching the river Lethes? Drinking? Crossing? Or had she already reached Elysium fields? Were any of those myths really even true? Or maybe she is in the heaven of her Japanese ancestors. Or do they even have one? Or maybe she is a sasha now.

I have all of these questions and no answers. Maybe I should track down Koji...He wont have all of them but he'll damn sure have a few. Like why he had killed her. What was there for him to gain from it? How could he even do it? Rhea has been in my life for all of maybe seventy two hours and I already know that I could never harm her. So how could Koji have killed his own daughter?

After a while spent on the floor holding Ari's lifeless body I started to realize that I was cold, barely breathing, trembling like a beaten dog. Rhea and Laurent had warn themselves out and fallen silent; Gabriel was on the window sill rustling his wings...It was quiet again. Finally, I laid her down on the ground and stood.

And then I was on my hands and knees dry heaving, feeling the blood that hadn't already dried trickling down my skin. By then my clothes were soaked, it was in my hair, on my face. I was cold as ice and sweating bullets, heaving hard enough to turn myself inside out...
I can't believe that night ended.
I can't believe it even happened. How could I have let this happen?

[Krymson]

Fuck…

I think I've finally made Ari hate me. Ever since that night at the festival I haven't heard anything from her, and it's been a couple of weeks now. I've been fucking miserable ever since then and pining around like a sick puppy or something. Dragging myself up out of bed wasn't this hard after she died…it's like losing her to death was only half as bad as losing her because she doesn't want me around anymore. Because she doesn't trust me.
They say that depression is just anger without enthusiasm and I think I have to agree. In a way I'm pissed as hell but I just don't have the energy to expound on my emotions anymore.

Rhea and Laurent are running me ragged right now to. I never should have taken them to meet Ari that night, never should have gotten their hopes up. They both miss her even though they really barely even know her, and I think that I'm literally going to puke the next time one of them asks me when they're going to see mommy again. And Ari…what the hell is up with her? Even if she really does hate me now and doesn't want anything to do with me she could at least fucking call her children.

I thought I was stressing out when Ari was murdered and I was left working full time and trying to raise twin newborns, but the way I feel now has nothing on that. I'm feeling everything I did back then plus some. Ari is a Dark Hunter now, she knew what she was doing when she became one; in a way she really did betray me. I should have just pushed her away and stayed away from her; but I couldn't do it. Now Matt is causing hell for me in the Daimon community and I'm only barely keeping my head above the water, and all because of a woman, that I love to death, who hates my guts now.

For some reason I could just never show Ari how I really feel about her. I've tried telling her before, but maybe I just wasn't convincing enough. She tells me I'm cold to her but I really don't mean to be, she doesn't understand how hard I've tried to change the way I am for her, but just can't seem to do it; I've been the way I am for almost all my life. How can she expect me to change over twenty two years of habit in such a short amount of time?
It doesn't matter what I try, I always end up fucking up somehow and getting her pissed at me. I think that maybe she was in love with the man that she wants me to be, not the man that I am. I think I've been right all along, Ari can't love who I really am.

I've told Ari that she's my world, but I guess she didn't believe me or she would trust me more than she does. What am I supposed to do? She doesn't understand how hard it is for me…
There are things that I just can't bring myself to tell her. When I'm with her I just can't find the words, but it's easy when I'm alone…
I can't seem to tell her that pieces of me die every time that she cries, that more than half of what was left of me died when I found her that night…that I nearly killed myself beside her, that I took a gun to my head countless times in the months after she died and the only thing that kept me from pulling the trigger is the fact that every time I was about to it always seemed like one of the kids would cry in the next room. I can't tell her that no matter how badly she could possibly hurt or betray me that I'd always crawl back to her if I had the chance…
I can't tell her that I'm jealous as hell of her dead ex-boy friend because I know that if he had never died that Ari never would have taken a second glance at me. I can't tell her that it kills me to know that the reality of it is that I'm just the second pick, the choice she was forced to settle with because Liro died.

I've given her all of me that I possibly can but it just isn't enough for her. In the time that I've known her I've gone from being love struck to just completely fucked up. She's gone and I'm miserable and it's taking everything I've got not to drag myself back to her and beg her to give me another chance.
But I'd fuck that up to, somehow. I used to think that Ari was my salvation, but now I think that maybe she's realized that I'm not worth saving...

[Krymson]

Where is this whole fucking thing going?

First Ari flips on me because Remy started clinging to me one night and I didn't react fast enough. Well damn, I hadn't seen Remy in years and I didn't even know that she was there.

And then I turn a corner to find her locked to another guy in a shop one night. I don't have any idea how I managed not to say anything, not to make a scene right there. Why didn't she push him off? She could have done it if she wanted to. What am I doing wrong that has her clinging to other men?

At that point I think that if I could have done it I would have left her, but what would the point be? I'd end up going back to her. I love her, I don't want to lose her...but I can't take being anything but the only one. I'm already second to fucking Liro, I don't need anyone else in the picture.

And then Remy had to call me. What was I thinking, going to meet up with her even if she needed it? All that did was get me in trouble. Of all the times for Ari to walk through the door she would come in just after Remy shoves me onto the couch and stradles me.

Now she's not picking up her phone and I don't have any idea where she could possibly be. I can barely believe that she didn't explode then and there, instead she was calm...too calm. That worries me more than anything right now. What if she's hurt herself?

[Krymson]

They say that growing up on the streets is rough. Looking back, I guess it was; but when you've never known anything better it doesn't really register. The streets are more of a home to me than almost anywhere else. I know them, I can survive them. Yeah, I guess it can be rough, but so can every other style of life. I've had buddies from the good side of town show up with the shit beaten out of them by abusive parents. Millionaires commit suicide to. The grass might be greener on the other side, but from my experience it's made of astro turf; and falling on that shit hurts a whole lot worse.

I really never did consider my life rough. As a child four, five, and six years old I have pretty good memories. Most of them are of my dad. For some reason I was just never close to my mother. My memories of her are smothering. She was actually a part of the Pollux clan, or cult: narrow minded, fearful, strict.

My dad was the opposite of her. I take after him now and probably favored him back then to; now for sure. When I was six I wanted a puppy. I had for years by then. My mom hated dogs, though, so I got a basketball (I've actually still got it to). A few days later my dad came home with an enormous puppy, a cross between a Great Dane and some sort of Mastiff. He was a big, brown and black brindle and I named him Spot. Dad told my mother that he'd found him on the side of the road, trying to appeal to a non-existent soft spot. I heard them arguing about it, but I got to keep my dog.

My father died not long after that and by the time I was seven I was orphaned. After that I went to live with my best friend. We were raised by his grandmother, which ultimately is what led to my weird mixture of morals.

I spent a lot of my early life getting my ass beaten. At first I just wouldn't fight back because of my mother's teachings; she had poured all of her fears into me and I was suffering for it frequently. Then one day Bryant got after me, provoking me until I snapped and fought back. It was weird. I remember him laughing and grinning while blood poured out of his nose and he was spitting out blood, and telling me that I could really pack a punch. It was then that I realized I wasn't made of glass, and from there I just didn't feel alive unless I was pushing myself as far as I could go, testing my limits.

Just after that I finally let Bryant talk me into joining up with Low Key's group of street fighters. The coldness in my nature seemed to come naturally. The resentment had been there from an early age. I could inflict harm and pain on others and never feel anything about it. If anything I would take a sort of pleasure away from it. My dark years had begun before that, the fighting just cast a light on that fact.

[Krymson]

Holy fucking hell what have I gotten myself into?

I keep hearing that question over and over again in my head ever since I asked Ari to marry me. Not because I regret it or anything; I don't and if I wound up back in time for a second try I'd probably do it again. It's just hard to get past the barrier between us. She's a Dark-Hunter and I'm a Daimon. I can't help but worry that the action could somehow draw attention to us. Sometimes vows have strange ways of working out like that.

Abnormal relationships aside, it's making me nervous. Exactly why, I don't know. Before she died we might as well have been married, but now that it's really happening I'm tripping out. In a way it really does feel like the commitment is throwing a chain in on things, choking off freedom. Then again, I felt fine before Derek started in on me. It wasn't until he got at me with his constant cracks that I started really getting edgy. All those years screwing with the guys I hung out with are hitting me back now. What's even more annoying is Derek has this way of making you laugh right when you're about to get pissed and swing at him. Then you get pissed because he's making you laugh and you can't get mad at him.

Damn this is all so weird. Rae's not any help either, she's messing with me just as bad as Derek is. Then Remy had to show up on top of everything. That was a fucking train wreck. But we managed to get passed all of that fairly quickly, although it fucked with my head seeing that Ari had slit her wrists after the incident. I know that sort of thing is far from enough to kill a Dark Hunter, but it freaked me out all the same. I felt so bad knowing that she'd hurt herself on my account…

But like I said it's over now and the wedding is in a few days. Maybe things will finally get better for us.

[Krymson]

I'm so sick of feeling this way. Everything's been a wreck since Ari came back. For me anyway. Actually, it started when she died. Sometimes I still wonder how I ever let someone get so close to me, much less allowed myself to get so close to them.

I remember back when we were teens, seeing something that Rae had scrawled into a notebook while going through one of her morose, gothic phases: love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them not to.
At the time I met the words derisively and brushed them off as the fancy of some pathetic, overly emotional doomsayer. Maybe it was because I never expected to meet anyone past shallow, physical feelings; and certainly never thought that I might actually find anything even remotely like what I have with Ari. Now that I have, though, the words don't seem quite so stupid. Still a pathetic fancy, yes, but all the same there's some truth to them now; because from the very minute that she became a set part of my life she's been the one weakness in my life. And until Laurent and Rhea were born, she was the only one.

I've suffered losing her once, and somehow I managed to survive it, if with only half of myself. Then finding her again…as happy as I was to see her again it was like losing her at the same time, knowing all of the things that we could never truly have. Knowing that no matter how close we were there was a rift that wasn't within our ability to mend. And now…now there's a hope that she can get free and it's killing me to know that I might lose her again.

I'm still not used to all of these emotions. Now that they're fucking with my head I'm starting to realize just how numb I really had become by the time I stumbled into Ari.And caring this much still feels strange sometimes when I step back to look at it all. Agony isn't a new feeling for me, but the level that I feel it on now is. It's something that doesn't go away until you come to terms with it; but how? How do you just accept the fact that it's your fault the ones you cared most about are dead? That if you'd just been there sooner or even at all it would have saved their lives?
But you know? It's pretty bad when your work is more important than the mother of your children.
Every time I hear her saying those words in my mind I wonder how I can even make myself look at her, I'm so ashamed by the fact that I wasn't there for her and didn't protect her. Even though it isn't true. My work is nowhere near as important to me as she is.

All I want to do is tell her no, that I don't want her to risk it; but I can't do it. I can't act like a coward and hold her back from the only chance of real happiness that we'll ever have just so I don't get hurt again. As long as she's a Dark-Hunter there are so many things that can get in the way. The chance of being found out, that she's transferred to another part of the country, having to keep what we have a secret…There's a chance that we can go back to what we had before she died, and I can't deny her that.

[Krymson]

Flashback Entry

God it feels like it’s been forever since I've had a good fight. All the cleaning up I was put through eventually deprived me of that also, but tonight I had a relapse. It's like I'm back to the way I was a year ago; anything could set me off at any time. All the mixed sensations came back, and their just as good as I remember. All of it: adrenaline, anger, pain, elation.

Just sinking back into everything felt so good, and having all of those chemicals flushing through my veins…god I just felt so alive. Remembering the power that's behind knowing when others fear you, the feeling of blows being exchanged. I hadn't realized how much I missed it all until tonight.

I don't really remember what it was that set me off and made me decide to pick the fight. I was in the alley out beside the shop, hanging with Red and a few of the old guys and sharing the last of a pack of cigarettes. The first smoke I've had in a while.
The buzz of the nicotine had just set in and I was leaning up against a pole in the old chain link fence that separated the basketball courts from the alley when a couple of guys from across town showed up. It was obvious they were off their turf, but since I'd never cared much for all the general gang banger bull shit, aside from the fights, I was planning to just ignore them and let them get into shit somewhere else.

Red had other ideas. He called them out before they'd even gotten to us, and then he and Rollo had moved off the fence to step in front of them. For the first part of the exchange I just stayed back and watched. There were two of them and I figured Red and Rolo would be fine. Then another guy holding a can of black spray paint walked up, and when he saw what was going on he decided to buck up and put a slash mark through one of the pieces on the brick wall across from us, and then joined his two buddies.

I'd say it was the fact that he just happened to throw the line up across one of my hard worked on pieces that made me step in, but I didn't actually realize that until after. Instead it was just the blatant challenge and the fact that, size for size, he was a match for me, big and a lot bulkier than I am. Not that it mattered to me; I haven't lost a fight in years.

As I moved closer he reared his arm back and chucked the spray can at me. It flew right by my head and before it had even hit the ground behind me Red and Rolo had jumped on his two buddies. We squared off for less than twenty seconds before I threw the first punch, nailing him heavily in the face and hard enough to snap his head back.

In the length of the fight he managed to hit me twice, splitting my lip with one hit and then catching me in the side of the face. He had a pretty damned big ring on, so I have a cut and bruise there now, but I didn't even feel it at the time. By the time he hit the ground and I backed off I'd done a number on his face and probably bruised up his torso. It didn't stop him from running when he picked his ass up of the ground though.

But fuck, that felt so good. It makes me wonder why the hell I gave it all up in the first place.

[Krymson]

Ari was already gone when I woke up this morning. She left a note on the table by the bed, but I knew what she had gone to do before I actually found it. I know why she chose to leave that way; truthfully it was probably better for both of us. Even so I wish that she'd woken me up first. It would have been even better if she'd have let me be there through at least some of it.

Up until now I've never really second guessed any of my life, but now I'm looking back through everything and realizing what effect it's having today. There are so many things that are fundamentally wrong with me on top of just having been born an Apollite. The latter just sort of tops it all off; as a Daimon, this is a situation that I just can't get involved in. That's the ultimate flaw. Everything else-the pathological and psychological aspects, the choices in my past, the drugs-could have been worked around, but nothing is changing what I am.

I'm not used to standing back with things like this and just letting them happen. Being completely out of control of all the things that are going to affect me most is nerve wracking.

[Krymson]

I felt it when Ari died this time.

It wasn't until later that I realized that was what had happened, but now I know it is.

I was stoned for the first time since before I had met Ari. The stress of waiting had finally gotten to me, and after I found my old dugout I decided to take her note overly seriously and "keep my spirits high." At first it helped. I toked up enough to have stoned probably half if not all of the gang I used to hang out with, and as the buzz set in I started working on my project car: my barely street legal baby, a '67 mustang fastback that I'd salvaged from a junk yard and rebuilt.

After a while things started to get weird, just like they always do when you're high. It looked like the paint was dancing as I laid it down and I was hearing the music thrumming through the room differently than normal. Certain bits would stick out a lot more than others; like the bass beat. After I while I got to feeling like my heart beat was conforming to what ever rhythm the song was carrying.

Then all of the sudden the amber stone in my choker got hot, like it'd been tossed into a fire or something. It felt like the band had tightened around my throat, and then I felt a pain in my head comparable to those times I'd been shot. My vision went black for a second and when it cleared again I wasn't seeing my garage, I was seeing Ari. I tried to close my eyes and clear it away, but when I opened them again I still wasn't seeing the garage, but this time it wasn't just Ari. I was seeing our room the night that she'd died in the first place, and when I shut my eyes again to block it all out it got worse. It was somehow even clearer than the dreams I'd had about all of it for the next month or so.

When the attack or what ever it was finally ended, I managed to drag myself-completely sober now-upstairs and into the living room. While I was on my way up the stairs I suddenly realized why the smell of any sort of strawberry body scent had made me gag for the past few years; Ari had worn it, and she'd had it on the night that she died. I'd remembered in the middle of what ever the hell had just happened, because somehow I'd smelled everything again.

I couldn't stay still when I finally got upstairs, and I ended up pacing back and forth while Gabriel did everything in his power to annoy the hell out of me. I was so distracted that I didn't even hear the car outside or the door open and close, and it wasn't until she was in the room that I realized Ari had come back. Everything had worked out and she was finally back.

But of course nothing can go perfectly well for us, and according to her Liro came back as a Dark Hunter also. Ari is worried, I can tell even though she didn't say much about it; but I could care less just as long as she's with me. If he shows up then I'll take care of him.